I’ll be honest, I don’t really watch too much of the spectacle that has become the NFL Draft. The pre-pick National Anthem? Really? Booing the commissioner? So 2012. And let’s be honest, of all the great players the Eagles could have had over the years, the best they could bring to the table to talk some smack is a kicker?
Yet, the worst is, like this post I’m writing, it just takes way too fucking long (three days to do three rounds). I remember the good old days when they would bust through 12 rounds in one Saturday. Also, in this day in age, if you care to know, you can know everything you need to know before the draft. There is nothing Mel Kiper Jr. can tell me during those grueling ten minutes between picks. Lastly, hey Mel, you’re a grown man. It’s time to drop the “junior” in your name.
Speaking of time, it’s time to discuss what really impacts our lives and that’s the impact these young men will have on our fantasy lives. Today, we talk quarterbacks.
QUARTERBACKS
Fantasy rookie quarterbacks make about the same impact in fantasy as I did in the New York City dating scene…not much. RGIII and his 4,568 fantasy points and 1st-team All-Robio award in 2012 is the standard bearer, but it was Matty Ice leading me to the title that year. Cam Newton remains the only rookie quarterback to start for and lead a team to a title in 2011. He was the league’s 8th best arm that year and scored a stunning 509 fantasy points in Bob’s championship win over Burrier. Of course, Deshaun Watson looked like he could be both RGIII and Newton last year, before his knee got struck down by the ACL gods.
What did all these dudes have in common? If you say they’re all black, you’re probably a Trump supporter (Eric). More importantly, they all could skedaddle, picking up a ton of extra fantasy gold with their long, sexy legs. Of course, the only guy in this year’s batch of quarterbacks who fits that mold is Lamar Jackson, but barring injury, he won’t get that opportunity to follow in anyone’s footsteps. More on him in a bit.
Anyhow, let’s break this down in a way even Neatock could understand.
MOST SUCCESSFUL ROOKIE QB THIS SEASON IS I could bedazzle you all with my smarts and talk about JOSH ROSEN and his great arm, good timing, smart decision-making. I might convince you to take him in this year’s fantasy draft by simply talking about the fact he comes from a pro-style college offense, but I’m not going to do that. Instead, the dude scored a chick in a dorm room hot tub. That’s my kind of quarterback.
Anyhow, the Cardinals of Arizona (where there probably aren’t many actual cardinals) managed to scrape together eight wins last year without both a quarterback and a All-Pro running back. With a healthy David Johnson, the ageless wonder that is Larry Fitzgerald and a pretty solid defense, I could see Rosen leading Zona to the postseason wildcard party in 2018. And before you point out Sam Bradford, word is he tore both hammies reaching for tomatoes at the team facility’s salad bar. He’ll be out 6-8 weeks, because Sam Bradford.
FANTASY OUTLOOK: Draft him, stash him, perhaps give him a start with the right match up.
QUARTERBACK MOST LIKELY TO HAVE THE MOST ALL-ROBIO AWARDS SITTING ON HIS MANTEL IN TEN YEARS It isn’t easy dropping praise on any player drafted by the Jets. Watching a highlight reel of Jets first-round picks is like watching a snuff film where only puppies and children are murdered. Yet, I like SAM DARNOLD. Sure, he tosses out interceptions like a teenage virgin passing out beads at Mardi Gras, but so did Peyton Manning. Darnold has got a good arm, moxie (which is a word I need to use more in my life) and pedigree. Perhaps he will be good enough to allow Jets fans to get past their justifiable 1983 nightmare, although now that I wrote something positive about a Jets player, I’m guaranteeing he’ll officially “Bo Jackson” his hip and I’ll be blamed for it.
FANTASY OUTLOOK: Draft him late and throw on the redshirt.
QUARTERBACK MOST LIKELY TO MAKE THEIR FAN BASE CRY RIVERS OF TEARS There are players I refer to as Paul Bunyan’s. Their abilities during tryouts become stuff of legend. They run the 40 in only four steps, they can bench press 650 with only their knuckles or they can throw a ball 120 yards, from their knees, with one arm tied behind their back. The problem is, legends are typically fairy tales that are about as real as my 12’ penis (it’s only ten. You’re welcome, ladies). This year’s legend is Josh Allen.
I don’t care how far he can throw the ball, college stats don’t lie. If this guy can barely complete 50% of his passes playing for Wyoming, how is he going to do it against NFL teams, in a league where the great ones hit 65% on a off day?
FANTASY OUTLOOK: Someone will waste a category three pick on him.
QUARTERBACK I MOST WANT TO SEE GET TRUCKED BY A MASCOT AND GO ON THE IR. No offense to Joe Flacco, but if a fantasy team has to start Joe Flacco, they’ve already thrown in the towel. Because it would cost the Ravens $28 million in dead money, they can’t release Flacco, I get that. By why declare openly that he’s you’re starter? What if LAMAR JACKSON is that much better. It’s like they watched Bill O’Brien from last year and said, “let’s do that.”
I want Flacco to get hurt, because I love me some Lamar Jackson. I’m not saying he will be a stud, knocking out 500-point games in week one if he was the starter, but he can do things Flacco can’t; things even the greatest defensive minds struggle to solve.
I mean, this kid’s college stats, against solid ACC foes, are incredible. In three seasons he passed for over 9,000 yards, throwing 69 touchdowns. Sure his completion percentage could have been better, but unlike Josh Allen, it went up (+3% each year he was in college). Most importantly, the dude can sprint. He rushed for over 4,000 yards in just 38 games, scoring 50 touchdowns; that’s more yards and scores than Saquan Barkley had in his career. Yet, barring a Flacco injury or a total collapse for the Ravens, he’ll most likely never sniff a start in 2018.
FANTASY OUTLOOK: Let someone else draft him, cut him and you pick him up in week 11.
QUARTERBACK I HAVE NO CLUE ABOUT If you don’t know his story, good for you. It probably means you have a life that doesn’t revolve around studying the recruitment history of college boys. Anyhow, BAKER MAYFIELD was about as popular a recruit as a Manson family member. No one wanted him. He walked on to Texas Tech, where he became what is believed to be the first ever walk-on true freshman to start a season. Against SMU in his first game ever, he proceeded to throw for 413 yards and four scores. Unsatisfied with the Red Raiders coaching staff though, he bolted after a year and walked on to Oklahoma. Long story short, he won the Heisman and became the first overall pick in 2018 draft. Why would any of us doubt this guy? Oh gee, he’s only 6’1. I’d kill to be 6’1. He plays with cockiness. So what, I play with myself. The skies should be the limit for this kid, but…there’s always a but.
He plays for the Browns. Ugh. I know they’re under new management, but it’s still Cleveland. The only claim to fame this team has had over the last 25 years is that I taught my son to say, “I’m taking the Browns to the Super Bowl” when he has to poop. This is a team that looked at one win and thirty-two losses Hue Jackson and said, “let’s keep him around for another year to tutor our young quarterback, you know, the one we refused to even tell him we were drafting.” Matfield will end up sucking for three or four seasons because Cleveland. People will mock him, hate him and he’ll be discarded for the next first overall quarterback Cleveland will draft. The Saints will pick him up, he’ll become a Pro Bowl quarterback and lead New Orleans to the Super Bowl.
FANTASY OUTLOOK: Player I’ll most likely draft late, cut early and will lead someone else to a title in 2019.
QUARTERBACK WHO SHOULD BE IN DEEP SLEEP
Below are the list of quarterbacks who started in 2017, who were drafted after the 100th pick.
Kirk Cousins (#102 in 2012)
Landry Jones (#2013115)
Bryce Petty (#103 in 2015)
Tom Brady (#199 – 2000)
T.J. Yates (#152 in 2011)
Brett Hundley (#147 in 2015)
Dak Prescott (#135 in 2016)
Tyrod Taylor (#180 in 2011)
Of that small group, only three (Cousins, Brady and Prescott) have ever started a fantasy game in our league. Only one has ever earned an All-Robio award (Brady) and only Brady has led a team to a Robioland championship and that was back in 2010. My point, there is a slim chance new Giants quarterback, KYLE LAULETTA, will ever be a starter for you on a championship team (especially if that team is Masterson, because title games aren’t Rob’s thing in this league).
Having said that, according to one video I saw on You Tube (yes, I watch other things besides porn), this kid from Richmond has almost all the tools to be a NFL quarterback. Once Eli gets tired of 25 turnovers per season, this kid could be the his replacement. His one weakness is his arm strength, but that could be said about Andrew Luck, Carson Palmer and Matt Ryan and they turned out alright.
FANTASY OUTLOOK: We’ll see you in 2020, Kyle.
Next up…Wide Receivers.
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