Would my son be more proud of me if we lived in an alternative universe? Don’t count on it.
During that tender moment after masturbating and before South Park re-runs come on, I think about Robioland Fantasy Football. Often, I imagine what this league would be like if things were different. For example, We do an 8-team format, no byes, while most fantasy leagues do a six-team playoff format, with the top two seeds earning byes. Could you imagine what things would be like if we had a 6-team playoff format?
Our history would be completely different if it was. Think about how many #8/#1 and #7/#2 upsets we’ve had in the first round.
I decided to take a look back. I went back through every playoff and got rid of the 7 and 8-seeds, giving the top two seeds a bye week. That was the easy part.
Now, this is where things get tough, since some of these teams didn’t advance, I had to personally go back to that teams’ final roster and then go find their stats from that week, THEN add it ALL up using our scoring system from that season and I was able to calculate who would have won these new match ups.
What you will find are a ton of amazingly tight games and new league championships. For some, you’re going to be happy we have it the way we do. Others will curse me and scream, “why didn’t we do a 6-team playoff format?!” As for Molly, she’ll just continue to think of me when she’s having sex with Griff.
NOTE I: There are a couple of times I had to make a judgement call when filling in for an injured player. I will note those times below. However, almost none of the lineup changes had any effect on the final results. In fact, only one did and the decision I made ended up hurting me, so there you have it. I’m a nice guy.
NOTE II: If you have a short attention span, feel free to skip to 2002 because nothing changes from the first three seasons.
1999 PLAYOFFS
REALITY: Nothing new. The top two seeds both advanced all the way to the finals.
ACTUAL CHAMP: #1 Robio — NEW CHAMP: Same
2000 PLAYOFFS
REALITY: Nothing differed happens. The top two seeds advanced to the semis, with the top seed (Rick) falling in the semis to the 4-seed Griff. In any new alternative universe, I would still beat Griff in our rematch.
ACTUAL CHAMP: #2 Robio — NEW CHAMP: Same
20001 PLAYOFFS
REALITY: Nothing changes. Jason and I both advanced in round one, I fall in the semis and Jason wins the title. This is actually the last year when we hat set brackets. After this season we switched to how the NFL does it, meaning the lowest seed always played the highest seed in each round (thus re-seeding).
ACTUAL CHAMP: #1 Jason — NEW CHAMP: Same
2002 PLAYOFFS
REALITY: Now we finally have a change and we’ll get to that below. In reality, Masterson becomes the first 7-seed in league history to advance to the semis when he beat 2-seed Don. In the semis, Masterson’s run ended when he fell to 1-seed Molly, while I eliminated any hope of a Coomer vs. Coomer title, by beating Griff. In the finals, I beat Molly, becoming the first #3 seed to win the title.
ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE: With Masterson out, Don advances to the semis. Molly ends up taking on her husband in the semis and beats him easily, 1646-795 (these two actually played in the semis, so I know there scores). On the flip side, Don shocked the world by taking out two-time champion Robio in stunning fashion, 2,045-1,598. Four players scored over 300, led by Jamal Lewis’ 524 fantasy points.
In the FINALS Don would have to bench Todd Pinkston (injured). I put in Tai Streets from Don’s bench. The only other wide out Don had was Curtis Conway and he was also out. There would have been no reason to pick anyone up. Streets had been producing (catching 8 balls for 90 yards the week before the finals).
Anyhow, the game was a low-scoring affair, but it would end up being arguable the greatest game in league history (if it had actually happened).
Heading into Monday night, Molly led Don 1,112-901. However, the 49ers were on the road against the Rams. Streets came out strong, scoring two touchdowns in the second quarter. Don was now down just 27 with plenty of time. Molly almost caught a break when Streets fumbled with about 90 seconds to go in the second quarter, but he recovered it himself. Then, three minutes into the third quarter, Streets caught a 17-yard pass. This gave Don the go-ahead points. Streets wouldn’t catch another ball the rest of the game and that was ball game. Don wins by 5, final score DON 1,117 MOLLY 1,112. Yes, a five-point championship game.
2003 PLAYOFFS
REALITY: In 2003, we saw both the 1-seed (Robio) and 2-seed (Molly) go down hard in round one, thanks to Caldron and Masterson. However, the pair couldn’t keep up the madness in the semis, as Rich lost to the other Rich and Masterson fell to Griff. In the finals, Burrier handed Griff his third title game defeat, as he became the second straight 3-seed to win it all.
ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE: In this new 6-team playoff universe, both Molly and I get a week off in the quarters. When the dust is settled, I take on Griff in the semis and easily beat him for the third time in five playoff match ups, 1,886-1,591. Despite only getting 51 points from Travis Henry, Daunte Culpepper (383) and Fred Taylor (438) easily make up the difference for y squad. In the other semis match, Burrier can’t win his first championship, because Molly easily knocks him out, 1,504-1,141. She is led by the one and only Brett Favre, who scorches the Oakland Raiders for 613 fantasy points. Add in the 49ers D’s 298 and those two account for 61-percent of Molly’s points.
In the FINALS, our reality 2002 title game match up actually happens in 2003, #1 Robio vs. #2 Molly. In this one, Molly’s tight end Shannon Sharpe does not play. She did not have a backup, so I had to make a decision. I decided to pick up via free agency Matt Schobel. This is the guy Molly had on her bench as a backup TE for the entire year just before the start of the post-season (he would score a TD in this game).
Anyhow, like last year’s five-point win for Don, we have yet another low scoring tight one, although there was no Monday night game theatrics and neither of us had a player in the Sunday night game. In the end, despite getting 266 from Richie Anderson, Brett Favre failed Molly. A week after scoring 613, he produced just 99 fantasy points. Meanwhile, I got another pair of solid performances from Culpepper (248) and Fred Taylor (204). I would win an ugly one, 1,046-994. It would be my third league title, but more importantly, my first with the new core of team owners in Robioland.
2004 PLAYOFFS
REALITY: In 2004, we stay in reality because nothing would change. Both 1-seed Griff and 2-seed Bob survived the quarters. Both would end up getting through the semis (Griff beat David, Bob beat Rich C) and the two would go on to play a classic in the finals…one in which Bob would win 1,216-1,169. This would be the last year we would play the final game in week 17. Starting in 2005, we switched to a 13-game schedule, moving the title game to week 16.
ACTUAL CHAMP: #2 Bob — NEW CHAMP: Same
2005 PLAYOFFS
REALITY: Like 2003, the top two seeds failed to escape the first round, as David beats Don and Colby takes care of Neatock. In the semis, the 4-seed Griff returns to the title game for a fourth time, while Colby upsets Robio, 1,880-1,540. In the finals though, Colby runs out of steam and Griff earns his first title in the biggest finals blowout in league history, 1,882-739.
ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE: With Colby and David failing to qualify for the post-season, both Don and Matt enjoy a free ride to the semis. However, that doesn’t mean life suddenly got easy. 1-seed Matt would get 278 from Edgerrin James and 336 from Carson Palmer, but overall he barely broke 1,100 and lost to 4-seed Griff, 1,388-1,102. In the nightcap, 2-seed Don got 238 from Fred Taylor, plus 332 from the Steelers D, but Koren Robinson kills him with just eight points. Against Colby in reality, my 1,540 isn’t enough, but against Don it is, I win 1,540-1,193.
This sets up a classic third match up between Griff and myself in the FINALS. On top of that, I’m the defending champ trying to win my fourth title (and second back-to-back titles). However, this time Griff is the 1-seed and the favorite over me (3rd seed). Heading into the game I’m already in trouble as the Colts have said they will not keep Peyton Manning in, so I go to my bench and bring in Drew Brees (Yes in 2005, one team could have both Peyton Manning and Drew Brees at the same time). Anyhow, Brees does okay (188) and Torry Holt goes off, scoring 366 points), but I’m no match against Griff’s tantum of Shaun Alexander and Larry Johnson. Griff wins it easily, 1,882-1,548. I become the highest scoring title game loser of all-time.
ACTUAL CHAMP: #4 Griff — NEW CHAMP: Same
2006 PLAYOFFS
REALITY: For the third year in a row, Burrier is seeded high, but can’t escape round one. 2-seed Molly goes down with him. It’s the second year in a row and third time ever that the top two seeds failed to advance to the semis. Don, who knocked out Molly as the 7-seed, continues his surprising run, taking out 5-seed Bob, while I (the 3-seed) end Masterson’s surprise run. In the finals, my team fails to show up and Don becomes the first 7-seed to win a title, 1,617-844.
ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE: Well, right off the bat we know Don doesn’t win a championship in 2006, because in this universe, he’s not even in the post-season. Thus, both Burrier and Molly are well-rested and ready for the semis against 3-seed Robio and 5-seed Bob (who in this universal is still looking for that second title, just like in reality). In this version of the semis, led by Tomlinson’s 476 and Alex Smith’s (yes, Burrier was starting Alex Smith back in 2006) 374 points, Burrier blows by Bob, 1,456-1,007. However, Molly is not so lucky as the 1-seed loses to me by four fucking points. That’s right, four fucking points, 1,464-1,460. In this universe, Molly has lost the 2002 title game by five and a 2006 semis game to me by four.
In the FINALS, 2-seed Burrier (still looking for his first title) takes on three-time champion Robio. I am making my third-straight finals appearance (and fifth in eight seasons). As we all already know though, my team fails to show (the 844 points in the title game is the lowest title game score since Colby’s 739 in 2005 never really happened). However, Burrier’s team struggles as well.
He gets -6 from Marion Barber, while Wes Welker delivers only 20. Two others (Stover, Seahawks D) fail to hit 100. However, (and this is where it gets tricky), Burrier’s tight end (Ben Watson) did not play in week 15 and he had no backup. Thus I decided that Burrier would have added the Patriots’ other tight end, David Thomas. He would go on to score 216 points, enough to put Burrier on top. In reality, there were a number of free agent TE’s that Rich could have picked up that would have covered the points, so I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt on this one. You should too. Rich wins his first title, as I drop my second straight, 1,005-844.
2007 PLAYOFFS
REALITY: Calderon got the party started, knocking out the defending champ and 2-seed Don in round one, but the real story was Matt. Despite being just the 5-seed, he was clearly the best team heading into the post-season. He took care of business against Eric the quarters, then knocked out 3-seed Bob in the semis. Meanwhile, Calderon took out the top seed David (thus he knocked out both the top seed and scoring champ in the 2007 playoffs). In the finals though, Rich failed to break 1,000 and Matt earned his first title with a 1,444-811 win.
ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE: Well, Calderon can’t do any damage if he doesn’t qualify for the post-season, can he? Thus, Don advances to the semis automatically. In the semis, Matt eliminates 11-2 Don, 1,398-965, while Don (the scoring champ) eliminates Bob, 1,237-1,158. He is led by Clinton Portis, who delievers 262, but it was an overall good effort as five different players break 150 and three score at least 220.
In the FINALS, we have Matt reaching the title game for the first time, while Don is returning for the first time since his five-point championship win over Molly way back in 2002. It’s a solid match up that features the overall favorite (Matt) vs. the scoring champ (Don).
However, prior to the game, Don will have to sit Willis McGahee who is sitting in week 15. On his bench he’s got Chris Brown, coming off a solid week 14. Don would end up getting some solid performances from Portis (274), Tony Gonzalez (254) and the Titans D (281) and heading into Monday night, he has a decent 186 point lead over Matt. However, Matt still has one player to play that night…Tomlinson. Against the Broncos, L.T. has a solid first half performance, scoring 148 fantasy points thanks to a 17-yard touchdown with less than two minutes to go in the half.
With 30 minutes of football left, Matt needs just 39 fantasy points to win. Tomlinson delivers the stats early in the third (gaining the yards on the Chargers opening drive). In the end, Matt would walk away with the title with a tight 1,444-1,402 win over Don.
ACTUAL CHAMP: #5 Matt — NEW CHAMP: Same
2008 PLAYOFFS
REALITY: Don shocks the world for the second time in three seasons pulling off a 7-seed title run. He knocked out 2-seed Calderon in the quarters and followed that up with a upset over 1-seed Molly in the semis. Meanwhile, I enter the post-season with arguable one of the greatest rosters ever. I steamroll over Bob and then Colby, breaking 1,600 in both games. However, in the finals I make two costly lineup decisions, my team flops for the second time in three years in the title game and Don walks away with his second 7-seed title thanks to a 1,216-1,041 victory.
ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE: In this new reality, Don can’t upset Rich, Molly and me, because he’s not in the playoffs. In this world though, 1-seed Molly again can’t escape round one, falling to me, 1,760-1,119. On the other side of the bracket, 2-seed Calderon doesn’t have a great week, but it’s enough. He defeats Colby, 1,257-1,064 thanks to Calvin Johnson’s 262 and Steve Slaton’s 176.
In the FINALS, title game newbie (Rich) takes on the beast, Robio. I’m playing in my sixth title game in eight seasons, three of my last four…however, I’ve lost my last two. Well, I again will make the same lineup mistakes, but Calderon’s squad does give me hope. The Giants D score just 29, while Mason Crosby goes negative with -10. Between Slaton, Dwayne Bowe and Calvin Johnson, none can break 160, but in the end the different is Larry Johnson (252 points) and Drew Brees (442) and Rich Calderon finally earns a championship mug in something, beating me 1,183-1,041. Sadly for me, it’s my third-straight title game defeat in just four seasons.
2009 PLAYOFFS
REALITY: Nothing would change if we dropped the bottom two seeds in 2009. Both 1-seed Matt and 2-seed Bob advanced anyhow. In fact, the entire first-round was upset-free as 3-seed Griff advanced as well. Only 4-seed Jeff lost to 5-seed Calderon, but we all expected that. In the semis, Matt easily advanced over Caldron, while Griff took care of Bob. In the finals, Matt’s hot streak continued, he easily beat Griff, 1,608-1,384. For Griff, it was his fifth title game lost (to one victory), while Matt finished off the greatest single season ever.
ACTUAL CHAMP: #1 Matt — NEW CHAMP: Same
2010 PLAYOFFS
REALITY: While the 1-seed Robio advanced to the semis, the scoring champ and 2-seed Calderon falls to Don. Both 4-seed Bob and 6-seed Colby advance, both scoring over 1,700 points. In the semis though, Don can’t take down a 14-1 Robio, while Bob wins a low scoring game against Colby, 1,163-1015. In the finals, neither team scores a ton, but for the third time in five years, my team collapses in the title game after scoring a ton of points in the quarters and semis. Bob wins his second league champion, 1,283-949.
ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE: With Don failing to make the playoffs in a six-team playoff format, Calderon not only advances, but takes down Bob in the semis, 1,508-1,163. He did this despite losing All-Robio quarterback Aaron Rodgers. Rich didn’t have a backup, so I picked up Matt Flynn for him. Now before you run off and say, “hey you don’t know if Rich would have done that,” let me tell you it didn’t matter. Thanks to 250 from Blount, 214 from S-Jax and 284 from Calvin Johnson, Rich still would have beaten Bob without playing a QB at all. In the end, Flynn scored 355 and Calderon won, 1,508-1,163. On the flip side of the bracket, Colby and I would face off just like we did in reality and nothing changes, I win 1,705-1,015.
In the FINALS, we have a re-match from the 2008 season, Rich C vs. Robio. The former going for title number two in the alternative universe, while I’m now participating in my seventh title game in 11 seasons. However, as we all know, my team failed to show and in this Calderon has no such problem.
Aaron Rodgers returns and scores 648 points against the Giants, Blount delivers 296 and the game is a no-contest. Calderon wins his second title, 1,571=948.
2011 PLAYOFFS
REALITY: We all remember what happened. Both Molly and Masterson produced the second and third greatest regular seasons ever, but both are dropped in the first round by Don and Bob. In the semis, Bob’s magic carpet ride continues with a tight win over Colby, while Burrier has no trouble with Don. In the finals, Bob produces his best title game ever, winning back-to-back titles (and third overall) to become the league’s greatest team.
ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE: Now this would be different. First, there would be no Bob. He would just miss the post-season. Both Molly and Masterson would get free rides into the semis. Molly, led by Aaron Rodgers’ 337, the Chargers D’s 280 and Jimmy Graham’s 196 takes care of Colby, 1,335-1,180. Masterson, led by Tony Romo’s 422 and Roddy White’s 370, cruise over Burrier, 1,692-1,405.
In the FINALS, we have another classic 1 vs. 2 match up. Molly gets a third try at earning a title, while this is Masterson’s first appearance in the title game. In the final game, Molly’s star shine. She gets a stunning 585 from Aaron Rodgers and 382 from Victor Cruz. However, a 98-point effort from Willis McGahee and -15 from the Chargers D could doom her.
For Masterson, Ray Rice comes up nice with 278, as does Roddy White 232, but Chris Johnson struggles to produce, scoring just 82 points. In the end though, the stab in the heart is Tony Romo. Playing at home against the Eagles, Romo gets knocked out of the game in the first quarter, after throwing just two incompletions. He never returns and finishes with -4. Masterson breaks his television. Ball game. Molly wins her first title, 1,692-1,149.
ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE TITLE GAMES
1999 – #1 Robio over #2 Griff, 1,872-1,234* 2000 – #2 Robio over #4 Griff, 1,448-1,197* 2001 – #1 Jason over #6 David, 1,273-920* 2002 – #2 Don over #1 Molly, 1,117-1,112 2003 – #1 Robio over #2 Molly, 1,064-9994 2004 – #2 Bob over #1 Griff, 1,216-1,169* 2005 – #1 Griff over #6 Robio, 1,882-1,540 2006 – #1 Rich B over #3 Robio, 1,005-844 2007 – #5 Matt over #2 Don, 1,444-1,402 2008 – #2 Rich C over #5 Robio, 1,183-1,041 2009 – #1 Matt over #3 Griff, 1,608-1,384 2010 – #2 Rich C over #1 Robio, 1,571-948 2011 – #1 Molly over #2 Rob M, 1,638-1,405
* Means the title game opponents and results are the same in reality.
TEAM-BY-TEAM
Commentaires