You’ve seen the hitting rankings and the pitching rankings. If you didn’t, scroll down, they’re at the bottom. It’s time to deliver the infamous final preseason rankings; brought to you by Carl’s Jr…

PRESEASON RANKING

#1 Fuck Burrier (ROBIO) Yep, it’s on, bitches. I’m first in hitting, capable of wrapping up Ws in all six batting categories. Sure, the pitching could be better, but I think I’ve set it up so to avoid a bunch of 0-6 results.

#2 The Amos Otis Experience (BRIAN) Brian’s got solid pitching in all six categories and just enough ability to get on base when his boys are at the plate.

#3 David Dennison & the Pussy Grabbers (Calderon)  Minus saves, Calderon will win him some pitching categories, behind a solid ERA, WHIP and WINS. The bats will struggle a bit, but perhaps he’ll get enough power to steal some hitting categories.

#4 Hot Beach (Denbo)  Denbo will compete weekly in five of the six hitting categories and is capable of doing enough damage in QS and K/9, to overcome his failures at ERA, WHIP and SAVES.

#5 Bones Brigade 5: Cinco de Bone (Jeff) Jeff’s batting average and OBP don’t impress, but he should deliver some Ws in runs, homers, RBIs and of course, dominate steals. His pitching will need to improve if he wants to compete with the big dogs. He can win saves, but ERA and WHIP need some love.

#6 Dry Hump (Masterson) Rob is seventh in hitting and sixth in pitching, so this seems like the right landing spot. How middle of the road is Masterson? According to my superior math, he is ranked between 4th and 8th in all but one category (quality starts).

#7 GlenCove-fefe (Mark) Pitching may win championships in real baseball, but not so much in fantasy. Mark’s got a ton of talent on the mound and will win plenty on that side of the bracket, but it’s tough to go through life being last in four of the six hitting categories.

#8 Blame it on the Rain (Jason)  Right now, I got Jason in the top half of a category in seven of our categories (four in hitting, three in pitching). Yet, I only have him in the top-three in saves and he’s near the bottom in too many spots (OBP, ERA and K/9).

#9 Natural Gas (Burrier) Week in and week out, Burrier will dominate runs, homers, RBIs and perhaps BA. But that’s it. His pitching is so bad, he’s basically spotting his opponent a five-category lead each week or as we call it, “The NY Mets strategy.”

#10 T’Challah (Naides)  The strengths: runs, homers, RBIs, K’s and maybe saves. After that, I got Naides bottom four half of our 12 categories.

#11 Load of Pollocks (Eric) I got Eric earning weekly wins in average and OBP and nothing else.

#12 Tom Berenger (Kessler) Worst. Title. Defense. Ever. Well, we’ll see…I got Kessler strong in steals, BA and K/9. He’ll compete in ERA and WHIP, but everything else will be a struggle.

HITTING CATEGORIES

Here are the top three and bottom three in all hitting categories, plus an overall hitting rankings. Enjoy.

TOP THREE TEAMS IN RUNS

1. Fuck Burrier (Robio) I got seven players who could score 90 runs each if healthy. Take that mother, who said she wished she had an abortion. #prochoice.

2. Natural Gas (Burrier) Bryce Harper and Corey Seager will both hit 100 runs this year. Corey Seager should have been mine. #fuckburrier

3. Hot Bench (Denbo) About 45% of Aaron Judge’s “runs” will come via him hitting home runs. I would let Aaron Judge impregnate my wife.

WORST THREE TEAMS IN RUNS

10. David & Pussy Grabber (Calderon) Much like Calderon in college, there will not be a lot of scoring going on. He will be lucky if one player scores 100 runs this year.

11. New Money (Brian) Six starters potentially could fail to score 80 runs this year.

12. GLENCOVE-FEFE (Mark) Dee Gordon and Giancarlo Stanton can only do so much.

TOP THREE TEAMS IN HOMERS

1. Natural Gas (Burrier) He lacks the superstar power hitter, but every starter can hit 20+ this season.

2. T’CHALLAH (Naides) Miguel Sano, Joey Gallo and Rhys Hoskins make up one hell of a power outfield.

3. Hot Bench (Denbo) Denbo is led by Aaron Judge, who could hit 50 homers this year, but he also has a pair of potential 40 homer studs in Nolan Arenado and Justin Upton. Props to Denbo for the diversity in his power pals.

WORST THREE TEAMS IN HOMERS

10. Tom Berenger (Kessler) CBS says the defending champ has five guys who will hit 30 homers. I don’t. Who you going to trust? A computer or a guy who has missed the playoffs six times?

11. New Money (Brian) Blame Delino DeShields. Hard to hit a lot of bombs starting a steals guy with an average batting average at the DH.

12. GLENCOVE-FEFE (Mark) Dee Gordon drags everyone down, but Gio Stanton is the only batter who will hit over 30 this season.

TOP THREE TEAMS IN RBIs

1. Natural Gas (Burrier) Considering that Burrier used three of his top eight picks on pitchers, he’s pretty stacked in the power departments. (Homers/RBIs).

2. Hot Bench (Denbo) Same for Denbo, who drafted a pitcher in four of his first eight picks.

3. Fuck Burrier (Robio) I, on the other hand, went a different direction, as seven of my first eight picks were batters.

WORST THREE TEAMS IN RBIs

10. Tom Berenger (Kessler) With Jose Abreu starting the season hurt, Kessler could have zero starters reach 90 RBIs this season.

11. New Money (Brian) Three of his first four picks were pitchers, as were five of his first nine. That’s nice, but chicks…they love the long ball.

12. GLENCOVE-FEFE (Mark) The new guy used six of his first nine picks on pitchers. Hard not to be the worst batting team when that is the decision one makes.

TOP THREE TEAMS IN BATTING AVERAGE

1. Load of Pollocks (Eric) Lil E has four players capable of hitting .300 on the season led by Joey “don’t call me Lawrence” Votto.

2. Fuck Burrier (Robio) While no one will lead the league in BA, I have only two starters projected to hit below .250 on the year. Not bad, considering I didn’t have to sacrifice power.

3. The Amos Otis Experience (Brian) CBS has projected only one player on this team will hit .300 (Jose Ramirez), but I like the fact that every single starter could average over .260 for the season.

WORST THREE TEAMS IN BATTING AVERAGE

10. Hot Bench (Denbo) Only one potential .300 hitter and too many guys hovering around the .250 line.

11. David D & Pussy Grabbers (Calderon) Five guys on this team will hit 30+ homers. Four of them will not hit .270 on the season.

12. T’CHALLAH (Naides) CBS has only one starter (Carlos Correa) capable of hitting .300. It’s hard to argue with that, as only one other player will probably get above .290.

TOP THREE TEAMS IN OBP

1. Load of Pollocks (Eric) Led by Joey Votto, who could lead the league in OBP, Eric has three potential top-10 guys (add in Pham and Posey).

2. Fuck Burrier (Robio) Once Justin Turner gets healthy, I potentially got four guys capable of finishing among the top-15 in OBP, led by Goldschmidt and Freeman.

3. The Amos Otis Experience (Brian) He has no top-10 guys in OBP, but Carpenter, Ramirez and Fowler are not too far off.

WORST THREE TEAMS IN OBP

10. Blame it on the Rain (Jason) I’m projecting only Charlie Blackmon will crack the top-30 in OBP.

11. GLENCOVE-FEFE (Mark) There’s Stanton and no one else.

12. Tom Berenger (Kessler) Only Kris Bryant has the ability to think about potentially, maybe cracking the top-20 in OBP.

TOP THREE TEAMS IN STEALS

1. Bones Brigade V (Jeff) He’s got Billy Hamilton, plus two others who could crack the top-10 in steals (Altuve and Zimmer).

2. Tom Berenger (Kessler) He’s going to win steals a bunch thanks to Marte, Buxton and Merrifield.

3. Fuck Burrier (Robio) I don’t have any one guy who will dominate steals, but I managed to get a bunch of power hitters who like to run from time-to-time.

WORST THREE TEAMS IN STEALS

10. Load of Pollocks (Eric) Eric has a couple of 20+ stealers in Pham and Semien (there’s got to be a new team name there somewhere), but overall, I don’t fear this guy.

11. T’CHALLAH (Naides) He potentially has zero guys who will finish among the top forty in steals. The horror.

12. Natural Gas (Burrier) Rich decided to sacrifice speed for power, so if you lose to him in steals, you should feel the shame.

COMPLETE OFFENSIVE RANKINGS

1. Fuck Burrier (Robio) I hate to say it, because I will certainly finish last now, but I agree with CBS. I project myself to finish top-three in every category but homers. Obviously, I have an aging outfield, so injuries or nature could drag me down. Also, the question will be, did I have to sacrifice pitching to achieve this?

2. Natural Gas (Rich B) Top-three in runs, homers, RBIs and average. OBP isn’t too far off. The only category Rich will lose, and he’ll lose it every week, will be steals.

3. Hot Bench (Denbo) Like Burrier, Denbo is top three in runs, homers and RBIs. However, unlike Burrier, he sacrificed BA and OBP to gain his power. Still, he does have a little speed and could crack the top-five in steals.

4. Bones Brigade V (Jeff) Jeff didn’t get a lot of top-three love (first in steals), but he’s really not too far off. I got him among the top half in runs, homers and RBIs. However, he’ll need to get his averages up in BA and OBP.

5. Blame it on the Rain (Jason) Jason failed to crack my top-three in any hitting category, although I got him fourth in runs, HRs and RBIs. He’s also not too bad off in steals. Like Jeff above though, I’m not impressed with the BA and OBP.

6. Load of Pollocks (Eric) Eric went all in on just getting on base, as I have him first in both average and OBP. For this reason alone, he could challenge for top-three in runs scored. However, he lacks power and RBIs and I’m not impressed with the projected steals.

7. Dry Hump (Masterson) Rob’s bats showed up nowhere in either the top-three or bottom-three in any category. For a guy who has finished last the previous two seasons, that’s probably a good thing. He really is middle of the road in everything (if you want me to spin that in a more positive light, we’ll say he’s “balanced” at the plate. If he has a chance to crack the top-three, I’d say it’s at BA or OBP, where I have him sixth and fourth respectively.

8. The Amos Otis Experience (Brian) Last year’s top seed should have little problems getting on base (fourth in BA, third in OBP), but that’s about it. He’s bottom three in runs, HRs and RBIs and don’t look for him to win steals a lot.

9. T’Challah (Naides) Evan is right there with the big boys in HRs (second), RBIs (fourth) and runs (fourth). However, I got him last in BA and that makes life tough.

10. David Dennison & the Pussy Grabbers (Calderon) This is so unlike a typical Calderon team, who usually challenges for the top power numbers. I got him bottom-five in runs, RBIs, BA and steals. In fact, I don’t have him among the top six in any hitting categories.

11. Tom Berenger (Kessler) I think Jake Taylor would be very disappointed in this hitting lineup. Right now, I got the defending champ second in steals, but ninth in runs scored. How does that happen? Well, he’s bottom three in homers and RBIs and that doesn’t help. Also, oddly enough, I got him fifth in BA, but last in OBP.

12. GlenCove-fefe (Mark) The league rookie appears to have made a decision to go all in on pitching. Or at least I hope he did, as his bats are by far the worst. I got him last in runs, homers, RBIs and second to last in OBP. His best chance to win some hitting categories will be BA (I got him sixth) and Steals (I placed him fourth).

PITCHING CATEGORIES

Here are the top three and bottom three in all pitching categories, plus an overall pitching rankings. Enjoy.

TOP THREE IN ERA

1. Glen Cove-FeFe (Mark) Mark is going all in on the pitchers, as he has five of the top-25 starters in the league. All five come with minimal risk, as he avoided the aging former superstars and the up-and-comers. All five are between the age of 28-32.

2. The Amos Otis Experience (Brian) Brian arguable has the best trio of starters with Sale, deGrom and Carlos Martinez. All three could end the year as top-10 starters.

3. David & the Pussy Grabbers (Rich C) Calderon nailed down five solid starters and arguably the best reliever. Obviously, this group is led by Clayton Kershaw, the first pitcher drafted and keeper Yu Darvish.

BOTTOM THREE IN ERA

10. T’Challah (Naides) He’s got Corey Kluber and Roberto Osuna, but can either Bundy or Gray get their ERAs below four?

11. Hot Bench (Denbo) Outside of Justin Verlander and Robbie Ray, Denbo has a handful of middle-of-the-road guys, who all will deliver ERAs at or over four.

12. Natural Gas (Burrier) Right now, Burrier has three top-100 arms, but the rest are sub-250. Zack Greinke is the ace of this group, but he’s 34 and already dealing with a bad groin.

TOP THREE IN WHIP

1. David & the Pussy Grabbers (Calderon) The same three dudes who occupied ERA, also are the top three in WHIP. Led by Kershaw again, Rich has five guys who could finish among the top-25 in WHIP.

2. Glen Cove-FeFe (Mark) Mark has four guys who could end the year among the top-25 in WHIP.

3. The Amos Otis Experience (Brian) I only got two of Brian’s starters among the top-25, but Chris Sale’s could be the best in the league, capable of finishing under 1.00.

BOTTOM THREE IN WHIP

10. Bones Brigade V (Jeff) Jeff’s got Charlie Morton and Madison Bumgarner, two guys capable of finishing among the top-10 in WHIP…and nothing else.

11. Hot Bench (Denbo) Only Justin Verlander will crack the top-20 in WHIP and he’s 35, so even that’s questionable.

12. Natural Gas (Burrier) Masashiro Tanaka might produce a 1.20 WHIP on the season and that’s the best Rich can throw at you.

TOP THREE IN QUALITY STARTS

1. Natural Gas (Burrier) Here is where it gets tricky. I got Burrier finishing last in ERA and WHIP, but first in quality starts. First, he will be going with six starting pitchers and that helps. Of course to this this, he’s sacrificing saves (more on that in a bit).

2. Dry Hump (Masterson) Masterson finally makes a top three and like Burrier, it’s not so much because of the skills of his players, but the fact he has six starters and two relievers. Anyhow, between Strasburg, Syndergaard and Hamels, this trio should produce around 70 quality starts.

2. Glen Cove-FeFe (Mark) Mark has potentially seven guys who could produce 20+ quality starts each.

BOTTOM THREE IN QUALITY STARTS

10. Tom Berenger (Kessler) Evan has Max Scherzer, Aaron Nola and a bunch of guys who won’t deliver a lot of quality starts.

11. Bones Brigade V (Jeff) Only two starters, Bumgarner and Stroman, will manage 20+ quality starts.

12. Load of Pollocks (Eric) Dare I say Eric’s five starters won’t even finish with 80 combined quality starts this year? I dare.

TOP THREE IN W-L

1. David & the Pussy Grabbers (Calderon) Let’s do some guessing? These pitchers will lead the league with +26.

2. Glen Cove-FeFe (Mark) Mark’s arms will finish +23.

3. The Amos Otis Experience (Brian) Brian’s squad will end the season +21. All those numbers…very scientific.

BOTTOM THREE IN W-L

10. T’Challah (Naides) Let’s go with +13.

11. Natural Gas (Burrier) Let’s see, how does +10 sound?

12. Load of Pollocks (Eric) And at the bottom, Eric, with +9. Done.

TOP THREE IN SAVES

1. Glen Cove-FeFe (Mark) Mark’s got two potential 40+ save guys in Jansen and Chapman and Rodney isn’t too far off.

2. Blame it on the Rain (Jason) Papper has two guys who will challenge for the top spot as the league’s best closer in Kimbrel and Allen.

3. Bones Brigade V (Jeff) Jeff has two potential top-10 guys in Kneel and Colome, although which Colome will show up, the guy who dominate early last year or the guy who got hammered late in the year?

BOTTOM THREE IN SAVES

10. Load of Pollocks (Eric) Neris and Iglesias are fine, but when will Britton be back and how good will he be once he is back?

11. Hot Bench (Denbo) I got no problem with Diaz and Claudio, but Soria blows.

12. Natural Gas (Burrier) Right now, Rich has one closer technically in Ziegler, but come opening day, he could have none, as he might not even earn the job.

TOP THREE IN K/9

1. Tom Berenger (Kessler) Kessler potentially has five guys who will average over 9.00 in K/9, with Scherzer hitting the plus 11 mark.

2. The Amos Otis Experience (Brian) Chris Sale, Jacob deGram and Mike Clevinger could all hit 200+ Ks on the season.

3. David & the Pussy Grabbers (Calderon) Rich has a pair of 200+ strikeout guys and five total who could strikeout 150 or more.

BOTTOM THREE IN K/9

10. Fuck Burrier (Robio) I got three guys who could average over 9.00 K/9, but the other two are going to drag my average down.

11. Blame it on the Rain (Jason) Jason’s three big strikeout artists, Price, Samardzija and Lester are all over the age of 32. That’s something, right?

12. Natural Gas (Burrier) With Greinke hurt, no one on this team will approach 200 Ks and only three guys will hit the 150 mark.

COMPLETE PITCHING RANKINGS

1. GlenCove-fefe (Mark) Mark’s team can’t hit for shit, but they sure can pitch. He’ll challenge for first in ERA and WHIP, as well as saves. He’ll finish top three in QS and W-L, with only his K/9 suffering (I have him 7th).

2. New Money (Brian) Top three in ERA, WHIP, W-L and K/9. He’s even top-five in saves and among the top half in QS.

3. David & the Pussy Grabbers (Calderon) Calderon rolls into the league with the best team in terms of W-L and WHIP and is top three in K/9, ERA, while he’s in the middle of the pack in saves and QS.

4. Tom Berenger (Kessler) He should dominate strikeouts, but he’ll be near the bottom in QS and W-L, despite the fact I have him fifth in ERA and WHIP.

5. T-Challah (Naides) Naides is a bit of a mixed bag. I think he does well in saves, WHIP and K/9, but struggles in ERA, QS and W-L.

6. Dry Hump (Masterson) I got Rob second in QS, fourth in both W-L and ERA, although he’ll finish among the bottom half in both saves and K/9.

7. Blame it on the Rain (Jason) I got him second in saves and fourth in WHIP, but that’s about it.

8. Fuck Burrier (Robio) The only two categories I have myself among the top-six are W-L (5th) and ERA (6th).

9. Bones Brigade 5 (Jeff) Jeff is third in saves and bottom five in every other category.

10. Hot Bench (Denbo) Denbo is fourth in QS and top five in K/9, but I have him second-to-last in saves, ERA and WHIP.

11. Load of Pollacks (Eric) I have Eric sixth or lower in all six pitching categories, including dead last in QS and W-L

12. Natural Gas (Burrier) Burrier is projected to finish last in saves, ERA, WHIP, K/9 and probably W-L.