He needs a gun to make up for his impotence, small children cower when he’s near and he’s your defending champ, so go fuck yourself…he’s Griff Coomer.

Yep, he’s now #2 in the league and there is no question he belongs one spot ahead of me. Sure I got more championships and I still lead in a variety of categories, but while I continue to be a schizophrenic mess, Griff has been a model of consistency in this league for 17 years.

Between 1999-2008, Griff was solid. He had six winning seasons, two division titles, one scoring title, five stunning trips to the finals and one championship. Yet, what he’s done since then has been even more impressive.

If you include the post-season, Griff has won eight games or more for seven straight years. Most of the league hasn’t won eight games in a season seven times in their careers. Anyhow, he’s the only person to do that in league history (passing Bob’s six straight this past season). The only thing holding him up was the amount of championship mugs. During this run, he lost in the finals two more times (2009, 2013) and was upset in the quarterfinals three straight years (2010-12). That all ended this past season though when he rolled off eight straight wins to earn his second career championship, during his incredible eighth visit to the title game.

Moving forward, for Griff it’s simple…don’t take your foot off all our necks and keep doing what you’re doing and with a studly threesome of keepers heading into 2016, we could be looking at a repeat.

BY THE NUMBERS

POINTS PER GAME | 1,339 PPG (#3) CAREER RECORD | 150-109 (#2) PLAYOFF RECORD | 20-12 (#3) PLAYOFF PPG | 1,385 PPG (#5) 1,500 GAMES | 26.6% (#4) 1,000 GAMES | 87.3% (#2) HIGH SCORES | 11.2% (#2) LOW SCORES | 4.8% (#3)

THREE GREATEST MOMENTS

2005 was the year of the Griff. After shaking off a shaky 2-4 start to the season, he finished as the league’s top scorer, winning nine out of ten, defeating Colby in the title game, earning his first championship. Yet, it all began on one Sunday morning. That day, as the rest of us chugged down a box of donuts and Rob Masterson was arriving late with a harsh hangover, Griff stole Larry Johnson in the ninth round. He was Priest Holmes backup. He should have gone to Masterson, due to Holmes’ recent injury history, but he waited too long. Well, Priest went down and Johnson, along with Shaun Alexander would give Griff the greatest running back duo in league history. Shaun Alexander, earning first-team All-Robio, rushed for 1,880 yards and 27 touchdowns. Larry Johnson earned only second-team, because he only started nine games. Yet, he still produced 1,750 rushing yards, over 2,000 total yards and 20 touchdowns. In the title game, Alexander scored 426. Larry Johnson scored 406 and that’s during the era where we subtracted -2 for each touch (which cost them a total of 116 point). If they did that today, they would have combined for 948 points. No other duo has come even close.

1. For the longest time, the last thing Griff ever wanted to see in the post-season was me. I had crushed his championship dreams so often, it was feeling like a hobby of mine. I easily defeated him in the 1999 and 2000 championships and in 2002, when he was one win away from creating an All-Coomer title game, I crushed him again. In 2006, he was the defending champ and heading into the season’s final week, he was up one in the standings over me. Yet, we were facing off and if I beat him, I would take the division and the three seed. Well, I won and not only did I earn the 3-seed, I got to face 6-seeded Griff. If Griff would have won that game, he would have been the 3-seed and would have faced the other Rob. Instead, he got me and I eliminated him from the playoffs in the quarterfinals. Man, this feels so negative for a “great” moment. I’m getting to it. Anyhow, fast forward to 2013. Griff earns the 5-seed and crushed Colby in the quarterfinals. However, I’m the top seed and scoring champ and after disposing of Jeff in round one, I’m guaranteed a spot in the finals with Griff up next, right? The only thing that can go wrong is myself. For reasons I’ll never be able to explain, I bench Tom Brady for Matt Ryan. The decision costs me 252 points. I lose to Griff by 67 points…my first defeat to him in the post-season. Sure, Griff got lucky, but sometimes you have to be lucky to get giant monkeys off your back.

2. Back in 2002, Griff began the season in typical fashion, winning, rolling off three straight victories. Yet, he suddenly hit the biggest speed bump one could find. He lost to new league member Justin, then to Eric, followed up a third straight defeat to David. Now a three-game losing streak is no big deal. However, in week nine he failed to hit 900 and lost again. The following week he scored over 1,500 and lost again and of course in week nine, he lost to me. That was six-straight defeats. Teams that lost six straight in a season didn’t make the playoffs, but could this be a different team? Technically, Griff was just one game out of the playoffs and after facing Masterson (his next opponent), his last four foes would be teams that were beatable. Maybe, just maybe. Well, he got that win over Masterson, followed up with a victory of Burrier (both playing in their rookie seasons in Robioland). He then crushed Molly and was officially back in the playoff discussion at 6-6. In week thirteen, he snuck by Jimmy and now controlled his own destiny, facing the league’s worst team in the season’s final week. No problem, he doubled up Brian and just like that, Griff became the only person to lose six in a row and make the playoffs. He would go on and win one playoff game before bowing out in the semis, becoming the only person to this day to win six in a row and lose six in a row in one season.

THREE WORST MOMENTS

Prior to the 2004 title game, Griff had already lost three championship contests, so it was no surprise to see his team falling short for the fourth time against Bob. Yet, neither team was putting up much points and in the last game’s final moment (Chiefs vs Chargers), Griff was in it. The Chiefs were down a ton with less than a minute to play, but got down to the two-yard line for a possible garbage time touchdown. At that point, Griff was down just 1,216 to 1,201. All he needed was a Trent Green touchdown pass (not to Eddie Kennison) and the title was his. Instead, the Chiefs ran the ball. Touchdown. Ball game. Bob wins it. But wait. No, the Chiefs execute an onside kick and recover. Seconds are left. After a pair of incompletions that cost Griff -4 points, Green hits Tony Gonzalez for 21 yards. Just like that, Griff is in the lead, 1,218 – 1,216. Yet, Green spikes it and that cost Griff two points and the game is tied. There are 10 seconds to go. Just one completion (again, not to Kennison) for at least two yards and Griff wins it all. Instead, Green tries to throw deep to Daute Hall…interception. Griff falls to 0-4 in title games.

1. In 2001, Griff won just five games and missed the playoffs. It happens. Yet, in 2007 he again failed to qualify for the post-season after his opponents scored the league’s most points. The following year, Griff missed the playoffs and again his opponents showed up, leading the league in points scored against. That’s it, Griff has missed the post-season just three times in 17 seasons and all three times to do it, his opponents had to lead the league in points scored against. That’s not really a moment, but that’s something.

2. Between 2010-2012, Griff was arguable the best team the regular season had to offer. He went 9-4, 9-4 and 10-3, winning a total of 28 games. During the 13-game era, no one has won more during a three-season stretch. Yet, all three of those teams not only failed to win a championship, but Griff couldn’t win a playoff game. In 2010, Griff won nine games, but it’s not like he was considered the favorite. He was just 7th in scoring, as three other teams won nine games, I won 12 and Calderon was the scoring champ by a long mile. In the quarterfinals, the 4/5 game featured a pair of nine-win teams (a first), but one was clearly better than the next, as 4-seed Bob (the eventual champ) crushed Coomer, 1,793 – 690, in one of the worst post-season beatdowns ever. In 2011, Griff’s nine-win team was a better one than the previous season’s team. He was fifth in scoring and was red hot, winning five straight, although it was Molly who won his division, leaving him as the 4-seed. That year, he faced Colby and once again Griff was crushed, losing 2,197 – 1,227. In 2012, Griff again got better. His team won ten games, he finished second in scoring and he earned his second career top seed. He had won eight of nine, producing three weekly high scores. Yet, in the quarterfinals, his team fell apart, as he lost to 8-seed Burrier, 1,150 – 1,084. It was his lowest point output of the season.

HISTORIC MOMENTS

1. Could week nine of the 2015 season be the changing of the guard?

2. Sadly, Griff was a loser on the league’s greatest weekend.

3. He and Molly combined for the league’s most combined points in a single game.

4. 2005, the year of the long awaited title.

5. One Sunday morning, Griff made The Pick.

6. We’ve had greater games since then, but back in 2004, Griff was the loser of what was the greatest game.

7. Already talked about this, but here is a more detailed write up of the sixes.

8. The league’s first great playoff knockout.

LEAGUE RECORDS

1. Griff is one of two people to win a two-point game (beating Burrier, 1,202 – 1,200 in 2009)

2. Griff and Molly combined to score 3,950 points in a game. At the time (2011), it was a record and remained a record until 2014.

3. Griff won the third lowest scoring game of all-time, beating Don, 692-505 (1,197 combined points)

4. Griff is currently riding a 8-game winning streak, tied for 7th longest in league history.

5. Griff lost nine games in a row between 2006-07, which is tied for the longest losing streak ever.

6. Griff has the third and fourth most points scored in a full season (regular and post). He scored 24,411 in 2005 and 24,350 in 2015.

7. Griff once went 56 weeks without a weekly low score (1999-2003), that’s the second longest streak in league history.

8. Griff once went 59 weeks without a weekly high score (2000-2005), that’s tied with Eric for the longest streak in league history.

FAVORITE & NOT FAVORITE OPPONENT

1. Griff has doubled up Colby (12-6) and has done well against Molly (14-9), but his favorite opponent remains Eric. He’s 16-6 against his fellow Floridian. In fact, Griff is currently riding a 8-game winning streak. Eric hasn’t beaten Griff since week 11, 2009.

2. Griff only has a losing record against two folks. First, it’s me. He’s 11-14 against me, but he’s won six of seven to take control of that series. The other is Matt. He’s just 4-8 against Neatock, having ended a three-game losing streak this past season.

GREATEST PLAYER

Like Burrier, Griff’s best player goes back to before we limited the amount of years one team could keep someone. In 2003, Griff landed Shaun Alexander with the fifth-pick in the draft. The Seahawks back finished 7th among all runners that year. Solid, but it sure didn’t feel like Griff had hit gold, since three of the four backs drafted ahead of him earned All-Robio awards. Yet, Alexander would be kept in round one in each of the next two seasons on Griff’s squad and he earned back-t0-back 1st-team All-Robio awards. In 2006, he fell off the earth due to injuries (finishing 32nd among backs), but by then, he had led Griff to three straight title games (winning it all in 2005), joining Larry Johnson as arguable the greatest championship backfield in league history.

1. Yep, I’m giving Griff two greatest players, because both are worthy. Back in 2012, Griff took little known back Arian Foster in the tenth round. Man, that moved paid off. That year he took over the starting role in the Houston backfield and dominated. He finished first among all backs, earning first-team and League MVP. The following two seasons, Foster would earn 2nd team All-Robio awards, as the league’s third best back.

FUN FACT

1. Griff was the loser of four of the top-14 highest single scoring games in league history.

2. Griff has won four of the top 22 closest games in league history.

3. After keeping a category one keeper four straight years (2003-06), Griff has kept just one running back in category one (Steven Jackson in 2010).

4. Griff averages 3.06 All-Robio players per season. That’s a league best. Total he had 17 first-team, 24 second-team and 11 third-team players.

5. The only All-Robio player he hasn’t produced is a third-team All-Robio DST. Although he’s had three 1st-teams and four 2nd-teams.

6. Griff has never gone more than four years without playing in a title game.

7. He’s the only person to make it to three straight title games.