WEEK ONE

Fart Joke (L) Welcome 2 FLA, Assholes (W) 1406 – 1872 Quarter Pounders (W) Flock Of Dudes (L) 1482 – 1317 The Dick-Taters (W) Foleatio (L) 1345 – 1036 Two (L) Johnny Hancock (W) 1393 – 1616 Wet Brees (W) Butt Fumbles (L) 1555 – 1459 Mollipop (W) o0o0o (L) 1840 – 1180

Week one is officially over. Some teams are already trying to find a spot for the 2013 Championship Mug. Others are already waiting for the 2014 draft to start. My advice for all…calm the fuck down. It’s one week. Did you know that eventual champs are just 8-6 in week one, with only one weekly high score in week one, the same amount of low’s? In fact, only two eventual champs broke 1,500 in week one. Just relax. Three things stood out for me in week one.

THE TIGHT END ERA IS UPON US Seven tight ends broke 200 fantasy points. Three broke 300 points. To put that in perspective, only seven running backs broke 200 points.

RUNNING BACKS WERE AWFUL Get this, 12 of the 23 starting running backs in our league failed to score more than 102 fantasy points.

WIDE RECEIVERS EQUAL MONEY The studs in week one were the wide receivers. Four wide outs broke 400 fantasy points, 16 in total delivered at least 200 points.

THE RANKINGS

1. QUARTER POUNDERS Sticking with my belief that you never overreact to week one, I see no reason to drop Colby down from the top spot. He won. He scored well doing it. Arian Foster only got 132 points, but that had more to do with the fact that the Texans were down 21 early in the third quarter. He looked decent and he got an important 24 touches.

2.THE GOOCH BRUISERS While I won’t overreact to week one results, I certainly won’t ignore them either. Griff scored a league high 1,872 points despite the fact he got just 86 points combined from his entire back field. Of course it helps to have your quarterback score the most points ever by a quarterback (818 points). More importantly, it looks like Vernon Davis may finally have a relationship with his quarterback.

3. SMOKIN’ A.J. w/DEZ BEIN’ FUN Bob didn’t have a prayer once Peyton Manning scored more points than God, but that doesn’t mean Bob is done praying for a running game. For the second straight year, Bob decided to wait on a running back in the draft and for the second straight year, it could be a problem. He needs one of his young pups to breakout. Darryl Richardson got 25 touches and a decent 96 yards. Maybe he should be starting. Bernard looked like a good option in my eyes, but he only got five touches, averaging a solid 6.0 per touch.

4. MOLLIPOP The star power is clearly there with Rodgers, Peterson and Cruz. Those three combined for 1,200+ points. Also, it’s clear now that Danny Amendola is going to be Tom Brady’s favorite target inside. Still, waiting on Monte Ball. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

5. WET BREES I could have sworn one of the Jets’ running backs was going to breakout. They didn’t and now I’m worried. As long as Foster is playing, Ben Tate is not a solution. 6. BUTT FUMBLES Well, that Lamar Miller era didn’t get off to a good start. He had one yard rushing…total. For now, I might have to send him to the bench until he proves he can run with the ball. Can you say, “Mendenhall era?”

7. THE DICK-TATERS Fucking Belichick. Steven Ridley looks good, but then fumbles in the second quarter. He’s benched for the rest of the game. No harm, no foul as Calderon was able to ride McCoy’s 374 points and Jason Witten’s 244.

8. JOHNNY HANCOCK In fantasy, falling behind is a good thing. Both the Giants and Texans fell behind early, but thanks to those deficits, their teams were forced to pass…a lot. The result: Eli Manning and Andre Johnson combine to score 790 points.

9. TWO Sure Don lost, but it wasn’t a lost weekend. Kaepernick looked brilliant, McFadden stayed healthy and let’s be honest, Calvin Johnson and Trent Richardson are not going to be held to 190 combined points each week.

10. FRUMIOUS BANDERSNATCH There is always one. There is always one team that makes a roster decision that costs him a victory. Jeff decided to bench Owen Daniels for the unproven Zach Sudfeld. It was a balls move that later kicked him in the balls. Sudfeld was shutout and Daniels produced 244 points…more than enough to beat Colby.

11. o0o0o This is what happens when you have to bench your second-round pick. While both Jackson and Gore did fine, not great, but fine; Bush was on the bench scoring 392 points.

12. KOLB GOBBLES If there was one game that I was sure would not feature a weekly low score it was the Calderon vs. Neatock match up. The fact is, these two had produced just six weekly low scores in their 264 career games. So much for that. Matt earned his fourth career weekly low score. What went wrong? Well, Brady looked average (one interception, one fumble, two sacks), Mike Wallace was the Fins fourth option in the passing game and David Wilson fumbled away a golden opportunity.

WEEK TWO

Fart Joke (W) o0o0o (L) 1523 – 1259 Two (W) Flock Of Dudes (L) 1426 – 1419 Foleatio (L) Butt Fumbles (W) 1183 – 1946 Johnny Hancock (L) Mollipop (W) 1223 – 1547 The Dick-Taters (L) Wet Brees (W) 1226 – 1652 Quarter Pounders (W) Welcome 2 FLA, Assholes (L) 1196 – 944

Last week in Tuesday‘s Thoughts, the theme was, let’s not overreact. No one ever won or lost a championship in week one. With two weeks in the books, I’m still not willing to jump on any bandwagons or jump off the one I’m already on. It’s a long season. Right now, the lack of running back points is shocking me this year. There are 20 wide receivers and tight ends who have over 400 fantasy points. There are only 8 running backs. Nine WR/TE’s have 500+ points, only two running backs (McCoy and Bush). Anyhow, for a Tuesday Thought appetizer, here is a great article on why my home state is a little weirder than most:

1. QUARTER POUNDERS Okay, two weeks in and the Pounders have not looked like the best team. I’ll admit that. Colby is 9th in points and 8th in breakdown. One week he wins because Jeff makes a bad lineup change, the following week he faces the week’s lowest scorer. In fact, he’s starting to smell a little like Calderon, 2012. He never blew anyone away, never broke 1,500 until the end, yet kept on winning. Is Colby panicking? Nah, but he is already thinking trade for a running back. Chris Johnson was a risky pick in round one and he’s not making Colby look smart. He’s gotten 25 carries in back-to-back games, but has yet to break 100 yards or score a touchdown. 

2. WET BREES I’m giving Masterson the biggest bump up this week, keeping him ahead of me and pushing him ahead of Bob and the Coomers. Why? Because he’s produced back-to-back great games and he’s done it with a balance approach. Every starter on this team has played well through two weeks. He’s not relying on 600-point games from a quarterback to inflate his score. Of his 16 starters in two games, 15 of them have broken 100, with a different player breaking out and have a fantastic week to lead the effort. This week, Julio Jones was unstoppable with 11 catches, 182 yards and a 81-yard touchdown.

3. MOLLIPOP Once again, Molly’s squad proves that with both Aaron Rodgers and Adrian Peterson, it’s going to be tough to beat her. Last week it was Peterson, this week Rodgers crushed it against the Redskins, producing 658 points, i.e. 43% of her score. Still, she did have a goose egg and it’s tough to win championships with zeros in a lineup. Of course this was the exact same spot Molly was in last year; great players, one giant hole. Last year it was because she drafted Ray Helu in the third round. Brutal. This year she went with Monte Ball. The rookie back actually got the start this week, but proceeded to fumble and was benched for Moreno, who had a fantastic game. Will he get an opportunity again? When is Danny Amendola coming back?

4. THE GOOCH BRUISERS I refuse to overreact when Griff’s team delivered the weekly high score, but I’m dropping him two spots for having the weekly low score? Doesn’t make sense, right? I’m probably being a little harsh, especially when you consider that both MJD and Vernon Davis failed to finish their game this week. However, my number one concern is Maurice Jones-Drew. Both he and the Jaguars offense have looked awful. Through two games he has 25 carries for 72 yards (that’s under three yards per carry) and no touchdowns. He also only has one catch on the year and unless you forgotten, that’s what use to make MJD so great…his receiving ability.

5. FART JOKES Bob wrapped up his first win and I saw some things I expected and I’m seeing things I didn’t expect to see. First, the expected. The Seahawks DST was awesome at home. 422 fantasy points against the Niners is no joke, but it’s also not surprising. I would start the Hawks’ D at home against any opponent. However, the unexpected is Cam Newton. I really thought he was going to have a bounce back year, but as of now, he has the feel of a bust. He’s averaging just 232 fantasy points per game, making him the 23rd best quarterback in the league.

6. BUTT FUMBLES Hey, guess who is leading the league in scoring? Jimmy Graham showed why he was worth a second-round pick, delivering 398 fantasy points. It was also nice to have Marshawn Lynch back (three touchdowns and 135 yards). Still, Lamar Miller remains the X-factor. He got 75 yards and a touchdown in week two, which isn’t bad. However, if the Dolphins are going to continue to pass it so much, Miller will have a hard time ever getting to RB1 status.

7. JOHNNY HANCOCK Two weeks in and Eric is still trying to find his groove. Eli keeps turning it over, Alfred Morris can’t score and both Andre Johnson and Ray Rice failed to finish this week’s game. However, even before Rice got hurt, his numbers were feeling sketchy. On the season he has just 72 yards rushing. He does have 11 receptions, so that helps, but he was expected to challenge for All-Robio this year.

8. TWO Up top I talked about balance on Masterson’s squad. It’s something I think Don’s squad has too. Looking at his roster right now, I don’t see a hole. McFadden is running well, Nelson is healthy and even Antonio Gates is producing. The key for Don is to get Trent Richardson going. The Browns’ offense has struggled and so has he. Richardson has just 105 rushing yards in two games and has yet to get 20 carries in a game because the team has mostly been trailing this year.

9. FLOCK OF DUDES For the second straight week, a Jeff decision costs him a win. Last week James Jones did nothing, delivering zero points. Jeff decides to sit him for Cecil Shorts. Jones ends up going off (178 yards) and out-producing Shorts by 124 points. He lost by seven. Let’s just say it…if Jeff would have just stuck with starting lineup he drafted (minus Bell), he’d be 2-0. Instead, he’s drop 11 of 12 and 19 of his last 25 games. For the record, this was 11th closest game ever in Robioland.

10. THE DICK-TATERS It appears LeSean McCoy is really enjoying himself in Chip Kelly’s offense. He’s produced back-to-back 300+ games and is the top running back in football. Too bad Rich is relying on three Cowboys (Romo, Murray, Witten) to deliver him wins. There is still plenty of hope for Calderon’s squad. There is no deeper team in the league, especially once Roddy White gets healthy. In fact, I think it would be fun if he benched all three Cowboys next week for Tannehill, Ridley and Julius Thomas.

11. o0o0o Has Burrier fallen? Is this man truly a threat in this league anymore? I mean, he’s been to the playoffs two straight years, won a division and made it to the title game in 2011. He seemed to be doing alright. However, what in the hell was he thinking leaving the Giants DST in against the Broncos? The old Burrier would never let that slide, would he? Of course it didn’t help that both his starting running backs failed to finish their game this week.

12. KOLB GOBBLERS It’s never a good time to bench your second round pick, but it may be time to sit Tom Brady for Michael Vick. Brady has thrown the ball a stunning 91 times for just 473 yards. That’s just 5.2 yards per throw. There are 15 running backs who have higher yards per rush average.

WEEK THREE

Mollipop (L) Welcome 2 FLA, Assholes (W) 726 – 1468 Fart Joke (W) Quarter Pounders (L) 1343 – 966 Wet Brees (W) Foleatio (L) 1519 – 1043 Two (L) Butt Fumbles (W) 1278 – 1471 The Dick-Taters (W) Johnny Hancock (L) 1368 – 1023 o0o0o (L) Flock Of Dudes (W) 985 – 1407

Welcome back. Sorry I couldn’t produce any Sunday updates. Your commissioner was sick. Because of this illness, I’m posting my thoughts now, assuming I hold my lead against Don. Before we get started, I want to congratulate Bob Castrone on winning a fantasy baseball title in his Jersey league (as I like to call it). Sure it wasn’t a Robioland sanction championship, but a title none-the-less. Congrats.

1. WET BREES Masterson begged me to not make him number one, but I’m not known for listening to others. It’s not my fault, as his team gave me no choice. Masterson picked the wrong Jets running back (Chris Ivory got hurt and produced just two points) and still broke 1,500 points. He has broken 1,500 in his first three games. This has only been done four times before in league history. It happened twice in 2000 and then again two more times by Burrier and Masterson in 2011. Of course, no team has done it four straight weeks to open a season. Anyhow, how about that Jordan Cameron pick? While other week-one stud tight ends like Jared Cook, Julius Thomas and Vernon Davis have sort of come back down to earth, Cameron trails only Jimmy Graham in points.

2. BUTT FUMBLES How do I know that everything is still coming up Robio? All week long I tried to pick up a new D. First, I went for the Jets. Fail, Masterson got them. The next day, I tried for the Bills DST. Fail, Calderon got them. Two days later I made an effort for the Vikings. Fail, Griff got them. Teach me not to spend any money. In the end, I was stuck with the Ravens DST. They scored three defensive touchdowns and delivered me 368 points. Thank you.

3. QUARTER POUNDERS Sorry, it’s time to drop the Pounders. For three weeks, Colby’s squad has gotten less and less impressive. It certainly didn’t help that Finley got knocked out early in Green Bay’s game. However, let’s talk about that 49ers D. They’ve given up 28, 29 and 27 points so far this season. It might be time to start a new defense.

4. MOLLIPOP A Coomer will end the week with the worst point total for the second straight week and like last week, I’m not going to push the panic button. However, here is one bit of concern. Adrian Peterson started off the season with a 80-yard run. Since then, he’s averaged just 2.95 yards per carry.

5. FART JOKES Bob was screwed by the Daryl Richardson situation this week. Neither the NFL nor CBS declared him out this week, he was suited up, yet didn’t play a down. This resulted in a zero in Bob’s lineup. Yet, it didn’t cost him the win. Thank Giovani Bernard, who has produced back-to-back 230+ games, despite getting just 23 touches combined in those contest.

6. THE GOOCH BRUISERS Griff pulled out a win despite the fact he had to bench two starters due to injury concerns and got -2 points from C.J. Spiller. You can survive moments like those when you have Peyton Manning and a breakout game by Antonio Brown.

7. FLOCK OF DUDES Jeff finally uses his starting lineup and he wins. Just sad to think he could have been 3-0 if he would have just played this lineup all season long. How about Jamaal Charles? Willing to bet he’s not regretting passing on Arian Foster.

8. THE DICK-TATERS Did you know that Rich has the number one and number three running back in this league? Sure you knew about LeSean McCoy, but I bet you didn’t know DeMarco Murray was the third best fantasy back. 175 yards and a touchdown against the Rams will do that.

9. JOHNNY HANOCK People can overcome a lot of things in this league, but the one thing you can’t overcome is a bad quarterback. Eli Manning and the Giants offense looked pathetic this weekend. He was sacked six times in the games first 17 minutes. That’s -60 worth of fantasy points in 17 minutes.

10. TWO Colin Karpernick is a good quarterback, but with no Michael Crabtree (for the season) and no Vernon Davis (most of last week and this week), he’s looking awfully human. He has scored just 101 fantasy points over the last two weeks.

11. 0o0o0 How can a 0-3 team have no add/drops so far this season? Even if you think you have a good roster that is underperforming, you don’t at least try to find a new D so you’re not starting the 30th rated defense each week?

12. KOLB GOBBLERS Things are getting bad for Matt and I don’t think even he can trade himself out of this situation because no trade is going to fill up every hole on this team. The fact is, can anyone on this squad be trusted? Mike Wallace scores 272 last week, then 40 this week. Michael Vick tops 600 last week, but delivers just 237 this time around. DeSean Jackson scores 428 points, then 118 this week. Chris Givens has 200, then just 54.

WEEK FOUR

Mollipop (W) Fart Joke (L) 1563 – 1314 Wet Brees (L) o0o0o (W) 1569 – 1908 Foleatio (W) Johnny Hancock (L) 1521 – 1026 Butt Fumbles (W) Quarter Pounders (L) 1845 – 1083 The Dick-Taters (W) Two (L) 1321 – 1145 Welcome 2 FLA, Assholes (L) Flock Of Dudes (W) 1643 – 1768

What a week, huh? With a full slate of bye-weeks right around the corner, half the league went out and scored over 1,500 points this week. Two teams (Rob M & Griff) cracked 1,500 and ended up losing. I scored 1,845 and failed to get a third straight high score. That honor went to Burrier, who had a 926-point turnaround from last week. His victim? Masterson. Thanks to Drew Brees’ 611 points, he became the first team in league history to break 1,500 in four straight games to open the season. If he can do it again next week, he’ll join Bob and I as the only people to ever do it five straight weeks (and the first since 2004). All that and I haven’t even mentioned the surprise. You’ll never guess who is last in scoring in the league?

No. 1 BUTT FUMBLES It was an open secret that I wanted Jimmy Graham with the 13th pick in the draft. I never thought I’d get him, yet he kept falling and there he was. Thank you league, as the Saints’ tight end is not only the league’s best tight end, his 1,222 fantasy points is more than any wide receiver or running back in the league. In fact, I’d put him second behind Peyton Manning for League MVP.

No. 2 WET BREES Bilal Powell has been solid the last three weeks, averaging 203 points per game. The last two games were due in part to Chris Ivory being out. Of course Ivory will come back soon and will Rob be able to trust Powell anymore? Who cares, right? He has fucking Jordan Cameron.

No. 3 MOLLIPOP Molly can personally thank me for the win. Why? Because it was me who called out and challenge her two best players this week. Recall, I said, “I’m suppose to still be impressed by folks like Peterson and Cruz, but they need to seriously get their acts together.” Well, Peterson and Cruz got their acts together. The pair combined to score 726 points. You are welcome, Molly.

No. 4 QUARTER POUNDERS Okay Colby, this is your last shot to stay up top. I’m doing these rankings before CBS updates our standings, but if my math is right, you’re last in the league in scoring. Yes, Colby has scored less than Matt. Fucking ouch. Why do I keep Colby up so high? Maybe I don’t like being wrong. Or maybe I still think we have yet to see the best from this squad. Let’s see what happens once Gronkowski comes back, especially as Foster appears to be getting his groove back. Warning though, whether Gronk comes back or not next week, another shit performance and the Pounders are going to be pushed to the bottom of these here rankings.

No. 5 WELCOME TO FLA, ASSHOLES Despite putting up three solid performances so far this season, this team has the feel of a team still trying to find its identity. This is a team that has made eight lineup changes over the last two weeks and let’s face it, you could easily see a couple more next week. At 2-2 and scoring the way he is, Griff still has plenty of time to figure it out and see who will eventually be his stars this season.

No. 6 FLOCK OF DUDES Jeff’s output this week was the third most points he’s ever scored in a game and the most since he scored 1,933 points in week seven, 2009. However, one player who played no part in the win may be a key player down the stretch. Le’Veon Bell finally got to play, got 20 touches and scored twice, producing 248 fantasy points. With the way Darren Sproles played Monday night and the way Jamaal Charles has played all season long, Jeff now has some RB depth others can only dream about.

No. 7 THE DICK-TATERS Can not being bad…ever be good enough? Rich’s 13-4 record over his last 17 games is pretty impressive. Yet, during that 17-game stretch, he’s broken 1,500 just twice. In fact, after breaking 1,500 five times in 2010, he’s done it just four times in his last 32 games. Of course it’s hard to be great when you’ve basically “Molly’d” your second round pick. Note: To “Molly” a pick, means to basically waste a top-three pick on a player who never even starts for your team. Now I’m talking about Roddy White and I’ll be honest, it’s still too soon to call White a failure. He’s not healthy and it’s really shown in the stat sheet. He has delivered 148 total points in four games. This is a guy who scored 410 points for me in last year’s title game.

No. 8 FART JOKES Nice little pick up this week by Bob, who slid Philip Rivers into his starting lineup and got 517 fantasy points with Cam Newton taking the week off. However, that performance may just be hiding a crack in Bob’s lineup. Thanks to the Trent Richardson trade, Bradshaw is suddenly a bad weekly start and in St. Louis, the backfield is getting crowded as Darryl Richardson gets squeezed out. I’m not sure a Donnie Avory flex is what Bob was hoping for going into the season.

No. 9 JOHNNY HANOCK It’s been a rough three weeks for Eric and he should feel lucky I’m being patient and not dropping him. This week there was some concern about starting Ray Rice and the concern was legit. The Ravens ran the ball just nine times, giving it to Rice only five times. After watching Joe Flacco throw five interceptions, something tells me if Rice is healthy next week, he’s going to have a huge week though.

No. 10 TWO With a full week of practice, Trent Richardson got 20 of the Colts’ 26 rushes this week. That’s the good news. The problem is, he got just 60 yards, thus begging the question…is this guy a good back? For his career, he has averaged just 3.5 yards per carry.

No. 11 o0o0o Burrier scored the most points since his 2003 title game performance. Good job. He won his first game of the year. Now let’s see it again. If Burrier is to go on a roll, it’s going to be on the back of Reggie Bush. In the two games he has managed to start and finish, he has delivered 392 and 362 points.

No. 12 KOLB GOBBLERS The key to Matt’s success over the years has been his ability to have those late-round sleepers that have paid off. This year, it was supposed to be Tony Gonzalez yet again. However, the Falcons’ TE has looked his age, producing just 224 fantasy points in three games. However, this week he awoke, scoring twice and giving Matt 394 points. Nice win, now prove it wasn’t a fluke.

WEEK FIVE

Flock Of Dudes (L) Fart Joke (W) 1580 – 1704 Wet Brees (W) Mollipop (L) 1300 – 1274 Two (L) Foleatio (W) 1036 – 1135 Butt Fumbles (W) o0o0o (L) 1459 – 1083 Quarter Pounders (L) The Dick-Taters (W) 1457 – 2040 Welcome 2 FLA, Assholes (W) Johnny Hancock (L) 1552 – 1081

Right now, the league has never been so balanced. We have three 4-1 teams, three 3-2 teams, three 2-3 teams and three 1-4 teams. For those 1-4 teams, don’t give up…technically you’re all only one game out of a playoff spot.

No. 1 BUTT FUMBLES Everyone knows, I love smart decisions and I made plenty this week. After two solid weeks, I put in Kendall Thompkins in over Hakeem Nicks, but on Sunday morning I changed my mind. Results: Nicks scores 266, while Thompkins struggles with just 26 points. Of course I was playing Burrier, so it didn’t matter.

No. 2 WET BREES You know, it wouldn’t be a Masterson season without an awful, back breaking injury. Rob won a nail biter against Molly, improving his record to 4-1, but it came at a cost, as he will be without his top keeper, Julio Jones, for the remainder of the season. Now normally I would say he’ll be alright since he has Vincent Jackson on his bench, but with rookie Mike Glennon running the show, I’m not sure how good Jackson can really be.

No. 3 WELCOME 2 FLA, ASSHOLES Griff may not have two wins a row yet this season, but he’s produced three 1,500+ games, including back-to-back. Of course it mostly has to do with Peyton Manning, who is on pace to produce the greatest fantasy season in league history, averaging a stunning 579 points per game. That’s 158 more points per game than Drew Brees, the next best scorer.

No. 4 MOLLIPOP A tough, tough loss…tied up with just over two minutes to go. Obviously, we can point back to the fact she basically wasted a third-round pick (already cutting Monte Ball), but this week, receiver Denarius Moore stepped up and scored 218. No, the problem now is that she really has no tight end. For the second straight week, she got zero points from her tight end spot. That’s how you lose a 18-point game. On the year, her tight ends have produced just 246 points all season long. She’s tried to address it through free agency, using four different tight ends, but no dice.

No. 5 THE DICK-TATERS You know, I need to challenge teams more often. Last week, I talked about Molly’s combo of Peterson and Cruz and stating they needed to step up and produce. Well, they nearly combined for 700 fantasy points. This past Tuesday Thought, I talked about Calderon’s lack of greatness, i.e. his failure to break 1,500. Well, he proved he could score 1,500 and then some, becoming the first person to break 2,000 this season. Now most people will point to Tony Romo’s 736 point outburst, but me, I noticed Justin Blackmon. Coming off his four-game suspension, the Jaguars receiver had a huge first game, delivering 322 points. For the first time, Rich didn’t miss Roddy White.

No. 6 FART JOKES Bob made what I like to call a, “championship caliber decision” this week. Coming off a bye, he decided to keep Cam Newton on the bench (even though he scored 465 points the last time he played) and stuck with Philip Rivers. He was rewarded with 281 more points, which was the difference in a 124-point victory.

No. 7 FLOCK OF DUDES Despite a third loss this season, Jeff continues to have a pretty solid year, breaking 1,500 in back-to-back games for only the second time in his career. The key lately has been the play at wideout. Torrey Smith has looked like a WR1, producing 612 points over the last two weeks, while James Jones rocked out 306 this past weekend.

No. 8 QUARTER POUNDERS Okay, I’m dropping him. Sorry, I can’t ignore a three-game losing streak. However, I’m still not selling. Chris Johnson finally got a touchdown, plus Colby arguable has the league’s two best D’s. Don’t forget about Gronkowski, who will be back soon. However, the key is, he has four really bad teams below him, so he shouldn’t have to fight too hard for a playoff spot.

No. 9 KOLB GOBBLERS I’ll move Matt ahead of the two Vozzola’s only because he just beat them both, but I’m not proud of it. He’s still last in scoring and that matters to me. Still, Matt better keep this going. Over the next two weeks he will face Colby and Burrier, who are 8th and 9th in the standings. After that, it’s going to get brutal. His final six games will be against six playoff teams.

No. 10 JOHNNY HANCOCK And that’s why you don’t trade for Michael Vick. Eric’s starting quarterback was knocked out of the game this week and is expected to miss two weeks. By the time he comes back, Eric’s season could already be over.

No. 11 o0o0o It amazes me that people don’t realize how important DST’s are in this league. After riding the Giants awful D for three weeks, Rich has made a concentrated effort to get his best D on the field. However, his team is a prime example of how important a D is. In Rich’s four loses, his DST’s have combined to score a total of 238 points. In his one win, his DST scored 393.

No. 12 TWO Sometimes I don’t get it. I don’t understand why people don’t try to make their team better each week. Case in point. Don has the Bears DST. They’ve been good, but do have some injuries. They’re facing the Saints, one of the best offensives in the league. On the wire, you have the Rams DST. Now they’ve been bad all year, but they’re facing the Jaguars and if you’ve been paying attention at all…you would know that any D that faces the Jaguars has a great game. Don could have had the Rams for cheap, but instead kept the Bears in. They were run over by the Saints and scored 47 points; important when you lose by just 99 points. So far this year, Don has made zero add/drops. You know buddy, you don’t get to save that auction money for next year.

WEEK SIX

Two (L) Fart Joke (W) 1266 – 1431 Wet Brees (L) Welcome 2 FLA, Assholes (W) 1432 – 1471 Foleatio (L) Quarter Pounders (W) 1243 – 1340 Butt Fumbles (W) Mollipop (L) 1692 – 1058 o0o0o (L) The Dick-Taters (W) 1018 – 1429 Johnny Hancock (L) Flock Of Dudes (W) 986 – 1080

Sadly, after six weeks of football, we already have a clear line drawn between the teams vying for a playoff spot and the teams who are not. The bottom four teams (Matt, Burrier and the two Vozzola’s) are a combined 5-19. Those four are 3-3 against each other (Burrier actually hasn’t played any of the last place teams) and are just 2-16 against the rest.

The worst non-playoff group in league history belongs to the 2006 foursome of Calderon (6-7), Matt (3-10), Eric (3-10) and David (1-12). They produced a .250 winning percentage. This group, they have a .208 winning percentage. Now these four will face off against each other just four more times, so they’ll get at least four more wins, which means at worse they’ll have 9 wins. That means they’ll need to win five games out of the 24 games they have left against the top eight teams in the league. Good luck. On to the Robio Rankings…

1. BUTT FUMBLES In case you missed it, my backfield of Lynch and Moreno each broke 300 and combined for 724 points. Lynch isn’t that surprising. He’s been doing this for three straight years, but Moreno? The Broncos running back went undrafted, was picked up for just $5 in week two and has proceeded to deliver three 300+ games over the last five weeks. I’m going to need him, especially if Jimmy Graham’s foot injury is serious.

2. WELCOME 2 FLA, ASSHOLES I have no way of knowing this for a fact, but I think Griff is the first person to win a fantasy game by a late field goal. Nick Novak’s 50-yard field goal with two minutes to go handed Griff his fourth victory of the season. Yet, the thanks belongs to Vernon Davis, who produced a career day (464 fantasy points).

3. WET BREES One would think a team that loses Julio Jones, the top receiver in football, would miss him, but Rob certainly didn’t miss him this weekend. Vincent Jackson stepped right in and delivered 330 fantasy points. Yes, Rob still lost this week, but there is always hope in loses. If Jackson is for real, despite a rookie quarterback, then he and 2013 sleeper of the year candidate Josh Gordon’s (236 points) will help make Rob a lock for a high seed.

4. THE DICK-TATERS Is it time to start giving Calderon his due? All the dude does is win. In fact, since 2008, no team has won more regular season games than Rich. Check it out yourself…

MOST WINS SINCE 2008: 1. Rich C – 45 wins 2. Griff – 44 wins 3. Bob – 42 wins 4. Robio – 39 wins 5. Molly – 38 wins 6. Matt – 36 wins 7. Colby – 34 wins 8. Rob M – 33 wins 9. Don – 30 wins 10. Rich B – 29 wins 11. Eric – 25 wins 12. Jeff – 23 wins (One less season)

5. MOLLIPOP Sometimes, just to keep things positive, I like to highlight a plus after a defeat. Molly snagged Denarius Moore in the 11th round this year. It didn’t seem like a big deal at the time. Molly always seems to have some half-ass Raiders receiver on her roster, often starts them, even though she shouldn’t be. Well, Moore is proving to be legit. Thanks to four touchdowns this season, Moore has broken 200 three times in his last four games.

6. FART JOKES Things went from bad to worse for Bob at RB2. Bradshaw was knocked out for the year and it appears Richardson’s days as a starter are done. However, don’t count Bob out yet. First, he picked up Alshon Jeffery three weeks ago, after Eric dropped him, and he simply produced 336 and 476 points in back-to-back games. Yet, the real sleeper could be Andre Ellington. Who? Yeah, the rookie back has out produced Rashard Mendenhall the past two weeks in Arizona and he could eventually become the starter in the desert.

7. FLOCK OF DUDES In four seasons riding solo, Jeff has produced just one All-Robio player; Randy Moss took home first-team in 2009. However. With the way Jamaal Charles is running the ball, he’s going to have his second. He’s the top back, averaging 273 fantasy points per game. Now he just needs to settle on a RB2; Bell or Sproles?

8. QUARTER POUNDERS Benching Russell Wilson and the 49ers D cost Colby 413 fantasy points, but luckily for him, it didn’t cost him the win. This is why I have little faith in teams that have to consistency mess with their lineup to produce wins. The good news for Colby is, starting this week with Matt and over the following three weeks, he’s facing the four worst teams in the league, so now is the time to tinker. Fact is, if he’s not 6-3 in three weeks, he should be concerned.

9. KOLB GOBBLERS Up top I talked about the games the bottom four will face against each other. So far, Matt’s 2-0 against the least, 0-4 against the beasts, but that should surprise no one. Since 2010, Matt is 9-2 against non-playoff teams (obviously I’m projecting this year’s playoff squads), yet he’s just 5-17 against playoff teams over the last two plus seasons. Why is this important? Because Matt only has one more contest against a bottom-feeder; next week against Burrier. His final six opponents are a combined 24-12.

10. JOHNNY HANCOCK Last year, Eric played a full sixteen games and never really came close to not scoring 1,000. However, by failing to hit 1,000 this week, his career high of 21 straight games of scoring at least 1,000 comes to an end.

11. O0O0O Let me demonstrate one of the many ways one team can go 5-1, while another goes 1-5. Both Rich and I drafted so-so defenses, but only one of us has paid the price. Rich has started four different DST’s and has gotten a combined 623 points, averaging 104 PPG. However, that number is deceiving, because in week four, the Colts D delivered 393 points. In the other five games, his defense has failed to hit 100, including this week when he picked up the Vikings and they got two whole points. However, failing to draft a great D is not a season killer, at least it shouldn’t be. Like Rich, I’ve started four different D’s, including three I picked up to start one week. My D’s have combined to score 1,393, averaging 232 points per game. My lowest weekly total was 190.

12. TWO The big story of the 2013 season has to be the awful play by some of the league’s premier running backs. Just check out the list below… – Adrian Peterson has just 483 yards rushing after a 2,000-yard season. – C.J. Spiller has just 351 yards rushing in six games. – Doug Martin has 409 yards and just one score. – Ray Rice has probably been the worse. He’s averaging just 2.8 yards per carry and has yet to break 200 yards on the season. What’s this have to do with Don? Well, he had two solid backs with Trent Richardson and Darren McFadden and both have done very little so far. Combined, they have 563 rushing yards on the season.

WEEK SEVEN

Quarter Pounders (W) Two (L) 1484 – 1171 Flock Of Dudes (L) Wet Brees (W) 1256 – 1590 o0o0o (W) Foleatio (L) 1407 – 1027 Welcome 2 FLA, Assholes (L) Butt Fumbles (W) 968 – 1016 Mollipop (L) The Dick-Taters (W) 1233 – 1269 Fart Joke (W) Johnny Hancock (L) 1662 – 1402

Injuries…they’ve been around football ever since J.E. “Big Mike” Michael pulled a hammy for the Rutgers Queensmen back in 1869. While there were no fantasy football teams back then, if there were, one has to assume he was on Masterson’s great, great, great grandfather’s squad. Like I said, injuries are part of the game and they are difference makers. Yet, I can’t recall so many significant injuries this early in the season, made even stranger by the fact that all the major injuries are happening to players on contenders. This will be the theme of week seven’s Robio Rankings.

1. BUTT FUMBLES The Pain: Jimmy Graham and Matt Ryan’s receivers In reality, I haven’t really had any major injuries, which helps explains why I’m in first place and leading the league in scoring (despite my best effort to not be this week). Graham could be out for a little while, but since the Saints were on a bye this week, his absent was going to be an issue anyhow. As for Ryan, he’s healthy, but his receivers are not. However, he just produced 435 points without Julio Jones and Roddy White. Of course it was against the Bucs, so I don’t expect those kind of results weekly.

2. THE DICK-TATERS The Pain: Roddy White and DeMarco Murray Obviously, seeing Murray go down should not surprise anyone. In fact, Calderon was pretty prepared for it when he kept three running backs and has done a good job working the wire. Roddy White’s health has been a problem, as he’s been stuck on Rich’s bench for nearly the entire season. At least now with him resting, maybe he can fully recover and be ready for Calderon’s playoff run.

3. WET BREES The Pain: Julio Jones, Doug Martin and potentially Ben Tate The words “Masterson” and “injuries” go together like “Burrier” and “porn” and 2013 has been no exception. First he lost Jones, arguable the season’s biggest injury. He was the league’s top receiver by far when he went down with a foot injury. While that hurts, Rob does seem to have an answer with Vincent Jackson, who is clicking with Tampa’s rookie quarterback. However, losing Doug Martin could be bad. Now it’s not like Martin has been lights out, but when you say the words, “Ryan Mathews” and “Jets starting running back,” you’re not screaming “championship backfield!”

4. WELCOME 2 FLA, ASSHOLES The Pain: Reggie Wayne With Reggie Wayne, Griff always had consistency in his lineup. Sure he wasn’t going to be putting up an 300-point games, but he was always going to deliver something. Not anymore. Thanks to a Andrew Luck bad throw, Wayne is done for the season. Now Griff has depth at wide receiver (Hell, he has Larry Fitzgerald on his bench), the problem is, you can’t go four-wide in this league. Both MJD and Spiller have been awful, but barring a trade, he has to start someone.

5. MOLLIPOP The Pain: Danny Amendola, Vick Ballard We knew what to expect from Amendola and you have to assume Molly did too, since she drafted Tavon Austin in the fifth round, but thanks to the bomb Montee Ball turned out to be, she really needed Amendola and he hasn’t delivered. The Patriots new Wes Welker has started just two games for The ‘Pops. Sitting on Molly’s bench, Ballard came out of nowhere and lead the Colts in rushing in week one (63 yards). Could you say sleeper? No, you couldn’t. During that Thursday’s practice, he got injured and was out for the year. Too bad, because the one thing Mollipop is desperate for is a solid RB2.

6. FART JOKES The Pain: Ahmad Bradshaw and Malcom Floyd Bradshaw was always looked at as a possible bust, especially since he started the season hurt. By the time Trent Richardson was traded to the Colts, you had to wonder, would Bob even bother keeping him on his roster? But after seeing his 238-point effort in week three and after watching Richardson do just about nothing as a Colt, you have to wonder if Bradshaw wouldn’t have turned into a solid player. Floyd had the potential to be the top dog in San Diego and would have given Bob even greater depth at wide receiver, but he never made it out of week two.

7. FLOCK OF DUDES The Pain: Le’Veon Bell, James Jones and Owen Daniels Plenty of names up there, but so far, nothing too brutal. Bell missed the season’s first three games, but Jeff was prepared with Darren Sproles, who did a solid job in relief. Owen Daniels had already been benched when he got hurt and the tight end spot remains a problem for Jeff. However, James Jones’ injury could be problematic. He had already put up a couple of fantastic games and Jeff simply doesn’t have a wideout on his bench who can match Jones’ productivity.

8. QUARTER POUNDERS The Pain: Randall Cobb, Arian Foster, Jermichael Finley, Rob Gronkowski Talent-wise, no one has lost more than Colby. Randall Cobb was a huge loss and he can’t even come back until week 15, our semifinals. We knew Rob Gronkowski was out prior to the season, so Colby knew what he was getting into, but you still can’t discount the pain, because there was always a outside shot he could return earlier than week six. Finley did a admirable job filling in, but he’s no Gronk.

Speaking of Finley, Colby tried to address his injury concerns by pulling off the season’s biggest trade. He comfortably shipped off Gronkowski for a wideout because he felt good about Finley. Now Finley is out and because it’s a neck injury, so we have no clue how long he’ll be out. Arian Foster has a hamstring injury, which can linger, but at least he has a bye-week to heal. Plus, Ben Tate broke four ribs, so that means more carries for Foster if he comes back and Tate misses time. Lastly, one name that’s not up there is Jay Cutler. Why? Because he’s not on Colby’s team, but Brandon Marshall is and not having Cutler throwing the ball, we could see a huge drop in Marshall’s elite numbers.

9. 0O0O0 The Pain: Steven Jackson, Andre Brown, Santonio Holmes While Rich walked into the 2013 season with some solid depth at running back, it still hurts to lose someone like Steven Jackson. In that Falcons offense, Jackson was expected to have a great year. Instead, he hasn’t played since week two.

I’m sure most people in this league have forgotten all about Andre Brown, but after watching the Giants’ pathetic running game over the first seven weeks, don’t tell me this guy wouldn’t have eventually been the starter over David “Fumble” Wilson. He’s eligible to come back in week 10, but will Rich still be playing for anything by then? Santonio Holmes was a hot free agent pick up after exploding for 358 points in week three, but then he proceeded to get knocked out of his next game and hasn’t been seen since.

10. KOLB GOBBLERS The Pain: Jay Cutler, David Wilson, Eddie Lacy It seems like the harder Matt avoids playing Tom Brady, the more harm the fantasy gods to do him. Cutler has looked fantastic as a fantasy quarterback in 2013 (god bless the contract years), but then he tore his penis and is out a minimal four weeks. Now Matt is officially stuck playing Tom Brady, smack in the middle of his worst season as a pro. When Andre Brown went down, David Wilson looked like he could be the sleeper of 2013. Instead, I’d vote him as the “biggest missed opportunity” of the year. He’s done nothing all season, but with Eddie Lacy hurt for a couple games, right when Matt needed Wilson, he refused to deliver and now he’s out for at least a month.

11. JOHNNY HANCOCK The Pain: Shane Vereen, Michael Vick Heading into the season, Vereen was an afterthought, especially since Eric had both Ray Rice and Alfred Morris. Yet, Vereen went off in week one, scoring 276 points. Yet, that was it. He hasn’t played a down since and Eric sure could have use a 250+ point back, as both Rice and Morris have killed Eric’s year. In a effort to save his collapsing season, Eric traded for Michael Vick. The fact is, a big-time quarterback and mask a lot of holes, especially the Eli-sized one at QB. Of course, Vick being Vick meant getting hurt and that’s what he did, playing just two games for Eric. Now he’s going to come back, but at 1-6, not sure it will matter for Eric.

12. TWO The Pain: None. Ironic, isn’t it? The only team to not really suffer any major injuries is the last place team. Now Don did lose both Calvin Johnson and Darren McFadden for a game, but neither would have made a difference. Instead, Don accomplished a rare feat, drafting a pretty useless team from the beginning.

WEEK EIGHT

o0o0o (L) Two (W) 867 – 1896 Fart Joke (L) Wet Brees (W) 1536 – 1774 Mollipop (W) Foleatio (L) 1235 – 927 Flock Of Dudes (W) Butt Fumbles (L) 1302 – 1234 Welcome 2 FLA, Assholes (W) The Dick-Taters (L) 1264 – 1178 Quarter Pounders (W) Johnny Hancock (L) 1287 – 1191

1. BUTT FUMBLES No big deal. I lost a game I should have won. I was out and about Sunday afternoon and simply couldn’t make last second checks on Jimmy Graham’s status. If he was in, I’d win. Still, Jeff is slowly becoming my nemesis, having lost four of seven to him.

2. WET BREES If this is where Masterson is supposed to collapse under the weight of all his huge injuries, someone forgot to tell his team. Despite getting just 10 points from his lone running back, Rob nearly hit 1,800 points. This is the sixth time in eight games he’s broken 1,500 points. The year he became the third person to ever average over 1,500, he broke 1,500 just seven times. Don’t look now, but Rob is the first seed and the scoring leader (he’s never been a first seed or a scoring leader before).

3. FART JOKES Wait, what? Last week Bob was 7th in my rankings and this week he’s third? Didn’t he just lose? Yes and if you remember, I don’t rank these teams based on any past results. It’s based on who I think has the best shot to win it all. What I saw in Bob’s losing effort was a giant hole being filled. Slowly but surely Andre Ellington is getting more touches in the desert and he finally showed off his skills this week, busting out a 80-yard TD run, delivering 350 fantasy points. If that’s legit, Bob is dangerous.

4. WELCOME 2 FLA, ASSHOLES Griff’s won three of four, but hopefully he won’t go bragging to the friends too much, because he hasn’t sniffed 1,500 in over three weeks. It looks like Roy Helu won’t be the answer at RB (38 points), but maybe MJD showing some life (194 points) might deliver Griff some hope.

5. THE DICK-TATERS Calderon’s five-game winning streak comes to an end and there is plenty of blame to go around. However, I’m going to take a look at McCoy, who proves a good quarterback matters in the backfield. With no Vick and no Foles, Chip Kelly’s option offense is worthless with Matt Barkley, who never is a threat to run. If he remains the starter, McCoy is going to see a lot of 8-man fronts.

6. MOLLIPOP Mrs. Coomers three-game losing streak comes to an end, which should not be surprising, as she’s entering the easy party of her schedule. However, keep in mind, she’s averaging just 1,200 over the last month, better than just three other teams.

7. FLOCK OF DUDES Prior the draft, I have conversations with just about everyone at some point to discuss the upcoming season. Sometimes I offer advice, if asked, and sometimes the advice is taken, sometimes it’s not. For Jeff, I dared him to do something great and draft RGIII with the first pick of the third round. He didn’t listen and drafted Stafford. RGIII has been suspect (14th among all quarterbacks) and is now hurt. Stafford has been the best quarterback not named Peyton Manning, which just proves, you should never listen to me.

8. QUARTER POUNDERS Wow, Russell Wilson sure made things interesting. On a night Colby was trying to rally, his quarterback completed just 10 passes all night. Luckily, one was an 80-yard touchdown pass to Golden Tate. The win was Colby’s third straight and he did it with only two players who were starters for the Pounders in week one (Wilson and Mason Crosby).

9. O0O0O For the second time in four years, Burrier will start a season 2-6. Of course losing is nothing new for Rich lately. In fact, he’s produced just one winning season since 2007 (He went 7-6 last year).

10. TWO Calvin Johnson’s 650-point game was very impressive, but it was not the best in this league. Back in 2000, Jimmy Smith scored 732 points when he caught 15 balls for 291 yards and three touchdowns.

11. KOLB GOBBLERS Tom Brady has just 498 points in his last four games. Peyton Manning does that for lunch. At least Eddie Lacy is looking like a nice keeper for next year. Yep, it’s never too early to start thinking about next year, right? If you want to see where things first started to go wrong for Matt, look back when keepers were decided. Matt’s instincts were to keep Matt Stafford. Instead, he kept David Wilson. Something tells me he wishes he had the second best quarterback right now.

12. JOHNNY HANCOCK You know things are going bad when you pick up a receiver (Marvin Jones) who catches four touchdown passes and scores 468 points and it’s still not enough. One more loss and Eric’s season is probably toast.

WEEK NINE

Quarter Pounders (W) o0o0o (L) 1632 – 958 Wet Brees (L) Johnny Hancock (W) 757 – 1997 Foleatio (W) Welcome 2 FLA, Assholes (L) 2207 – 873 Butt Fumbles (W) Fart Joke (L) 1872 – 1619 The Dick-Taters (W) Flock Of Dudes (L) 1195 – 1117 Two (L) Mollipop (W) 947 – 1103

Seriously, what was week nine all about? Up is down, down is up? Cats and dogs, living together…mass hysteria. Our scoring leader couldn’t break 800, but one team hit 2,000, another nearly did and those two were a combined 3-13 coming in.

1. BUTT FUMBLES Do you really want to know the secret to winning lots of regular season games? Do you? Well, it is simple..have depth. That’s something I’ve lacked over the years and I honestly didn’t think I had great depth this year, but man was I wrong (at least for a week). Because of bye weeks, I had to play Mike James, Aaron Dobson and Keenan Allen. The three rookies combined to score 1,004 points. Now if only I had a quarterback who could score 200 fantasy points.

2. WET BREES If fantasy football games were acting performances, then this was Ben Affleck in Pearl Harbor on steroids. It’s not easy to find a silver lining in a 757-point performance, but here’s something…did you see Chris Ivory run the ball this weekend? Rob did, he was there. While Bilal has become an afterthought, Ivory has produced 100 yards rushing in two of his last three games.

3. FART JOKES Bob has four running backs on his roster, Woodhead, Bernard, Ellington and Pierre Thomas. Those four have combined for just 1,164 yards. This means Bob’s going to need someone to gain some motherfucking yards so he can have at least one 1,000-yard rusher? Does it matter? Well, only three times in league history has a team won a title without a 1,000 yard rusher starting. The first time doesn’t really count. It was me, back in 2002, but I did have a 1,000 yard rusher (Priest Holmes), but he went out for the season right before the playoffs and I had his handcuff (William Green). The two legit times it has happened? Both belong to Don (2006 & 2008). Bob is not Don.

4. QUARTER POUNDERS Colby has rolled off four straight wins. That’s the good news and that’s really what matters, right? Well, those four wins all came against Matt, Don, Eric and Burrier (9-27). Colby could have gotten tougher competition if he beat a puppy with a stick. However, not all luck is equal. During this stretch he’s been a solid 24-16 in breakdown over the last month, including a 16-12 mark against the seven other current playoff teams.

5. THE DICK-TATERS How does one judge how good a team really is? Wins and loses, we know that’s just luck, right? Points scored is a pretty solid indicator, however, a team can score 2,000 points one week, 1,000 the next three weeks and his average would still be pretty good. For me, you can’t beat a good breakdown. If you agree with me, then you’ll also agree that Rich has been the luckiest team so far. The fact is, among the current playoff teams, Rich beats only Colby in head-to-head breakdown.

Below is a ranking of luckiest teams to unluckiest team according to breakdown. Rich is the highest at +1.56. This simply means the breakdown says he should have 5.44 wins, but he actually has seven.

– RICH C +1.56 – COLBY+0.88 – MOLLY -0.11 – MATT -0.33 – ROBIO -0.67 – GRIFF -0.89 – DON -1.44 – RICH B -1.56 – ROB M -1.78 – JEFF -2.0 – ERIC -2.11 – BOB -2.56

6. WELCOME 2 FLA, ASSHOLES Life is never fun without Peyton Manning or Vernon Davis or Anquan Boldin or Larry Fitzgerald and it’s even worse without all four. However, let’s not forget, this is the third time this year Griff has failed to hit 1,000. That hasn’t happened in one season since he failed to hit 1,000 four times back in 2008. That team didn’t make the playoffs. This team will though. To be a threat Griff is going to need a RB. Spiller did show some life this week with 155 total yards. However, the guy I’m looking at is Andre Brown. The Giants RB has been out for the entire year and is expected back soon. Based on what we’ve seen from NY’s backfield this year, he has a legit shot to be the starter once he is back.

7. FLOCK OF DUDES Looks like Jeff’s boys went out and did a little too much celebrating after beating me last week. It happens. In fact, Jeff is 0-3 after beating me. Yeah, I know that’s kind of a lame stat that means absolutely nothing. Cut me some slack, Jeff lost a lame game, thanks to Dexter McCluster’s four amazing fantasy points. I could just try to blame this on another bad roster decision by Jeff, but the three active wide receivers on his bench all scored less than 70 points and would not have made a difference. Anyhow, watch out behind you…there’s a Neatock creeping up.

8. KOLB GOBBLERS Matt spent the whole week trying to dump Matt Forte onto someone’s team after dropping three straight games and instead he produces over 2,207 points, i.e. the 7th greatest game in league history. This boys and girls, is why we don’t give up on a season in week eight. With this win, Matt moves into the ninth spot, just one game back of Jeff, the man he’ll be facing this week. Can you say playoff game atmosphere? However, thanks to Aaron Rodgers injury, Molly could prove to be an easier catch. Yes, she’s two games up on Matt, but since Jeff is up nearly 1,000 points, Matt needs to not just catch him, but pass him in wins. With Molly, he’s only around 300 points back.

9. MOLLIPOP There are injuries…and then there are injuries. Aaron Rodgers was knocked out early in Monday Night’s game and was done for the evening. Thankfully for Molly, she was facing Don and managed to wrap up her 5th win of the season. Word is, Rodgers suffered a broken collarbone. If that’s the case, these usually take up to six weeks to recover. That means he wouldn’t be back until the Robioland title game, which will be tough for Molly to get to without Rodgers. The good news is this, Molly has a two-game lead over Matt, the top non-playoff team in the standings. She also avoids playing any of the top five scoring teams in the league down the stretch. After facing 6-3 Colby next week and 5-4 Jeff the following week, she gets 2-7 Burrier and 2-7 Eric to end the season. Hopefully for her, Big Ben’s 426-point effort this weekend is the beginning of something good.

10. JOHN HANCOCK Eric nearly became the first 1-7 team to break 2,000 points, which I guess would be something to brag about. If the Packers could have held the Bears to six less yards, he would have had it. Eric will have to settle for this record: Most points scored and not get a weekly high score. Anyhow, the stars of the weekend were the receivers, Andre Johnson and T.Y. Hilton. The latter, could be a stud moving forward. With Reggie Wayne out for the year, Andrew Luck needs a new number one receiver and based on his three touchdowns, Hilton looks to be that guy. Weirdly, all four of the teams who are sitting outside the playoffs looking in have had at least one game where they scored over 1,800 points: Burrier in week four, Don last week and Matt and Eric this week. However, keep in mind, the big outings failed to spark both Don and Rich’s season, as both dropped their next contest, scoring an average of 870 points less the following week.

11. TWO Five rushes, 15 yards, pulled hamstring…now that’s the Darren McFadden we all know. With the loss, it’s officially crunch time. Don’s two games back of a playoff spot, with four to go. 4-0 will probably be needed from here on out.

12. O0O0O No Gore, no Bush, no Welker…no chance. Welcome to the basement. Rich’s 2-7 record is his worst record ever after nine games. I’m not even sure 4-0 down the stretch will be enough to get into the post-season, thanks to his scoring output.

WEEK TEN

Welcome 2 FLA, Assholes (W) o0o0o (L) 1283 – 871 Two (L) Wet Brees (W) 1068 – 1627 Flock Of Dudes (L) Foleatio (W) 1229 – 1576 Johnny Hancock (L) Butt Fumbles (W) 697 – 1372 Fart Joke (L) The Dick-Taters (W) 1068 – 1432 Mollipop (L) Quarter Pounders (W) 1027 – 1265

1. BUTT FUMBLES I’m a man who understands the value of a quarterback in this league. The fact is, I think I’m pretty solid from top to bottom, but the one weakness I had was at quarterback. Come playoff time, if I was facing a Drew Brees or a Peyton Manning and they had one of their standard great games, I was going to be in trouble. Thus, the Tom Brady era begins. I paid a price for him, so he better be ready to work it. So far this season he’s been pretty bad, but last week he had his starting receivers back for the first time and he shredded a pretty decent Steelers pass defense. Let’s hope that’s the start of something good.

2. WET BREES It took Rob a month, but he finally unloaded RGIII, landing T.Y. Hilton and he didn’t disappoint. However, Rob was never weak at wide receiver. His big question mark is at running back and the best news all week had to be Arian Foster’s season-ending back surgery, because Rob has Ben Tate. Now he hasn’t dominated anything since Foster went out (just 204 fantasy points in two games), but something tells me he could have a major impact on our post-season.

3. KOLB GOBBLERS I hate to say it, but this is a team I’m really starting to fear. First, you have to love when you trade for a guy and he scores three touchdowns for you. Demaryius Thomas exploded for 382 points, but the problem with him has always been his consistency, especially with so many options in Denver. However, the key for Matt’s success is Nick Foles. He threw another three touchdowns and it would be a stunning development if Foles loses his starting job to Vick. The reality is, as long Foles is Matt’s quarterback, there is not a weak spot on this team.

4. FART JOKES Over the years, there is no question Bob has been one of the best fantasy owners in this league. However, as we all know, even great teams need lots of luck to bring home mugs. Right now though, Bob is not getting a lot of love from lady luck. Over the last three weeks, he has scored over 1,500 points in every game, yet walked away just 1-2 in those games (to both Rob’s). However, when he faces Calderon, he barely breaks 1,000. For Bob, what truly has to be annoying is the fact that he clearly has the best back on both the Bengals and Cardinals, yet both those backs continue to share way too many carries. In the desert, Ellington had five yards per carry, but still got less carries than Mendenhall (who actually fumbled). Meanwhile, Bernard is clearly the playmaker, yet he can’t get more than 14-15 carries per game. Why?

5. QUARTER POUNDERS Colby feels like I’m not appreciating his greatness (even though I moved him from 9th to 5th in my rankings last week). Maybe he has a point. This is a team that suffered through a tough start to the season and has had to overcome some big loses, including potential All-Robio players like Randall Cobb and Arian Foster, plus Jermichael Finley. To stay competitive, he’s shown he’s willing to ship off anyone, including Rob Gronkowski. He’s done all this while winning games…five in a row in fact. I have no doubt he’s done a solid job keeping a competitive team on the field. However, I’m taking a wait-and-see approach to see what this team is all about. The fact is, during Colby’s five-game winning streak, he failed to face a single winning team. Next week against Masterson will tell me what I need to know.

6. THE DICK-TATERS Rich hasn’t cracked 1,500 points in a game since he scored 2,000 back in week five, yet he’s still managed to win four of five and remain at the top of the standings. Part of the reason is that it feels like Rich has owned the waiver wire this year. He has a string of worthy pick ups that keep him rolling. In fact, in this week’s win against Bob, Rich played six players he snagged off the wire. Impressive.

7. WELCOME 2 FLA, ASSHOLES Sure Griff knocked out another win, but should he be worried that he hasn’t sniffed 1,500 yards since week five? The problem is, outside of Peyton Manning, there is no consistency on this team. C.J. Spiller rolls for 282 on Griff’s bench, so Griff puts him in and he scores just 46. Larry Fitzgerald scores under 100 every other game and right when Vernon Davis looks unstoppable, he gets stopped by another injury. Worse yet, Peyton Manning is hobbling around. It’s going to take a tank running him over for him to miss a meaningful game, but what happens if Griff advances deep into the post-season and the Broncos don’t have a meaningful game in week 16? Griff better be cheering hard for the Chiefs.

8. FLOCK OF DUDES Although Jeff is not playing a playoff game, it sure does have the feel of a playoff game. This week Jeff had a big opportunity to put some space between himself and Matt, but failed. Because of that, he gets to face Molly in a battle for a playoff spot. If Matt keeps on rolling, this game should have a playoff feel too, because the loser of this one could be on the outside-looking in.

9. MOLLIPOP The post-Aaron Rodgers era is off to a rough start. Let’s face it, two wins against weak opponents in weeks eight and nine have masked the holes on this team. Molly hasn’t broken 1,300 points since week four. The reality is, with Rodgers gone and Victor Cruz being a shell of himself in New York, this has basically become a one-man team (Peterson).

10-11-12. TWO – JOHN HANCOCK -O0O0O 6-24…that’s the combined record of the last three teams in this league. With just three weeks to go, these three were chasing history, but luckily for them they will avoid it. You see, back in 2010, Molly, Eric and Masterson combined to go 7-32. These three will need two wins to break that infamous mark. Since Don has one game left against both Burrier and Eric, there are two guaranteed wins left to get.

As for this season, is it officially over for these guys? No. Right now all three are two games out and three behind Molly. Obviously, if any of them want in on the post-season party, they’ll need to sweep their final three. Now if someone does that and then both Matt and Jeff go 0-3, they’re in. Note: This is a simple reminder that teams that are eliminated or close to elimination, you are still responsible for putting your best possible lineup. Playing for the first pick is not allowed. I’m not asking you to go make transactions or try to improve your team, but trying to win games should be what matters.

WEEK ELEVEN

Mollipop (W) Flock Of Dudes (L) 1296 – 1232 Johnny Hancock (W) o0o0o (L) 1466 – 868 Foleatio (W) Fart Joke (L) 1631 – 1242 Wet Brees (W) Quarter Pounders (L) 1605 – 1450 The Dick-Taters (W) Butt Fumbles (L) 1317 – 1079 Two (W) Welcome 2 FLA, Assholes (L) 1554 – 1426

With two weeks left to go, there isn’t much mystery over who will be invited to the postseason party and who won’t. In theory only Burrier is mathematically out. Both Don and Eric can still win five games, but they’ll need either Matt or Molly to go 0-2 and they’ll need Jeff to either go 0-2 or 1-1. Even then, their hopes are slim, because they would then need to overcome their huge point deficits.

So if you’re a realistic man like me, then the only real playoff battle is coming down to whether Jeff can get back into this thing and knock out Matt, Bob or either Coomer. However, that doesn’t mean the season is boring. We’re about to have one of the most amazing playoffs in league history. There will be eight teams, each with a chance to feel confident that that they can walk away with a mug.

1. WET BREES To the chagrin of Masterson, look who is back on top. Rob gets back to the top spot, not just because he’s won four of five, not just because he ended Colby’s five-game winning streak, but because he’s simply in beast mode. He has broken 1,500 points in all four wins and he’s done it now eight times total, tying three other people (Robio ’99, Jason ’01 and Molly ’11) with the most 1,500-pt games in a season….Oh and he has two games left to own the record all by his lonesome.

2. FOLEATIO Peaking at the right time is what fantasy is all about and no one is peaking like Matt is right now. He’s now won three straight and he’s averaged 1,805 PPG in that time. He’s now officially a playoff team (which should explain the rise in my rankings), but he has little room for error. He still trails Jeff by points, so he can’t afford a hiccup. If he does, he’ll just be a very impressive team watching the playoffs.

3. BUTT FUMBLES Sorry, but I can’t logically remain on top if I can’t find a quarterback who can score over 300 points. I gave up a lot of meat for Tom Brady, yet I didn’t even start him against the Panthers. Next week, it’s time to produce or my trade is going to look wicked bad.

4. QUARTER POUNDERS Colby finally met a real opponent and wouldn’t you know it, he finally tasted defeat again. Still, he did manage a solid 1,450 points thanks to yet another good decision when he started Jennings, who delivered 308 fantasy points.

5. THE DICK-TATERS Rich finally takes sole possession of first place and is primed to do something he’s never done before…earn the top seed. Yet, he’s sitting down here in the fifth spot. Why the disrespect? Simple…if you want to win playoff games, you have to score 1,500-point games, i.e. Rich’s Achilles’ heal. However, there is hope. Throughout the season, Rich has ridden a wave of Dallas Cowboys players. The fact is, no team has a more fantasy-friendly schedule during our playoffs (Bears, Packers, Redskins).

6. WELCOME 2 FLA, ASSHOLES Andre Brown…welcome back to fantasy football. In two games he’s produced two solid games, delivering 380 fantasy points. Next up is a big one against Bob. Both teams will probably make the playoffs, but which ever loses next week will have to keep fighting for it heading into the final week.

7. FART JOKES Bob is going to make the playoffs, right? Just four weeks ago he was competing for the top seed, but after four straight loses, he’s now barely hanging out for his post-season life. He’s now the 7th seed. Of course it would help if Andre Ellington didn’t produce just six points. Wait, what? Six points.

8. MOLLIPOP Who needs Aaron Rodgers when you have Big Fucking Ben and his 577 fantasy points? Of course when he’s responsible for 45% of your points, that’s not a good thing.

9. FLOCK OF DUDES Okay Jeff, it’s now or never. A win over Colby this week is a must. A loss won’t eliminate him, but he can probably safely start looking forward to next season.

10. TWO Calvin Johnson scored 466 fantasy points in the first half of this weeks game…and then scored none in the second half.

11. JON HANCOCK Ray Rice scored 300 points this weekend. He scored just 704 fantasy points prior to this game. That’s why Eric will not make the playoffs.

12. O0O0O So when your season is done, it’s time to look to the future. What are Burrier’s best keeper options in 2014? I would assume Reggie Bush in round two over Frank Gore in round four. In category two, maybe DeAndre Hopkins deserves a look, but my money remains on Andre Luck again in round seven. In category three, I don’t see anyone worth keeping.

WEEK TWELVE

Welcome 2 FLA, Assholes (W) Fart Joke (L) 1357 – 1216 Flock Of Dudes (W) Quarter Pounders (L) 1419 – 1316 Foleatio (W) The Dick-Taters (L) 1421 – 950 Johnny Hancock (L) Two (W) 769 – 907 Butt Fumbles (W) Wet Brees (L) 1752 – 1417 o0o0o (L) Mollipop (W) 702 – 1124

Masterson falls to 0-2 as the top dog and thus gets removed from the top spot. Now we have a new #1. Later tonight I have a document that shows each team their best cast scenario and their worst case scenario. I’d show it to you now, but I left it on a word document on my computer at home. For now, here are some rankings.

1. FOLEATIO Too high for a team that hasn’t qualified for a playoff spot? Maybe, but we’ll find out next week how good he is when he faces me. He’s rolled off four straight wins, he’s looked impressive doing it, beating the two teams he had to pass in the standings (Jeff, Bob) and two top-four teams as well (Griff, Calderon). If he takes care of me this week, then mark him down as the favorite heading into the playoffs. The fact is, barring an injury to a RB, there isn’t a hole in this lineup.

2. BUTT FUMBLES I started the season going 5-1 in quarterback battles (meaning my QB outscored my opponents QB). However, since that hot start, I had dropped four of five until Tom Brady busted out with a 400+ second half Sunday night. More importantly, around this time of the season, a handcuff could be the difference maker. I’ve always been pretty good about getting my handcuffs and with Knowshon Moreno suddenly hurt, I’m glad I got Montee Ball ready to go.

3. WET BREES Rob’s running game continues to be the problem moving forward. One would have thought that Ben Tate would be rocking his world with Arian Foster done for the season, yet the man doing more damage is his backup Dennis Johnson. He scored 144 fantasy points to Tate’s 30. Not sure Brees and Gordon can carry this team to a title without a running game.

4. QUARTER POUNDERS Damn those pesky decisions. It’s fitting that Colby lost because he picked the Chiefs D over the 49ers D, costing him 320 fantasy points and the win, only because Jeff lost to Colby in week one because he made a last second decision to bench Owen Daniels for Zach Sudfeld. Still though, just a minor hiccup for Colby, who has made some pretty solid decisions to get to where he’s at this year.

5. THE DICK-TATERS This week just wasn’t Rich’s week. McCoy and Cooper were on a late season bye and Julius Thomas was a late scratch Sunday night. There is plenty of talent on this team, but man there are a lot of decisions that need to be made each week. At least Steven Ridley is making it easier on Rich. With his fumbling issues, it’s starting to look like he’s in the doghouse permanently.

6. WELCOME 2 FLA, ASSHOLES Wait, what? Maurice Jones-Drew and Larry Fitzgerald combined to score 526 points? Who are those guys? Those names sound familiar, but I just can’t put my finger on it. Could these guys be for real? If so, Griff might be ready to put up a fight in the post-season.

7. FLOCK OF DUDES This is a classic example of how important making the right decision up top is. Think back to the draft and it really was unclear who Jeff, Don and Colby would have taken. Jeff ended up taking Charles and he can thank that decision for this win as Charles scored 398 points and is ready to earn a first-team All-Robio award. Meanwhile, Colby is without Arian Foster (although he’s done a fine job replacing him week-to-week.

8. MOLLIPOP Even if Aaron Rodgers came back tomorrow (which he is not), I don’t think he’s going to matter. Fact is, Big Ben has been a fine replacement. The problem is, outside of Kendall Wright, she’s getting zero production from her other receivers. Cruz, Amendola and Graham scored just 92 combined points. That may be enough to beat Burrier, but that’s not enough to beat good teams. Fact is, Molly hasn’t scored over 1,300 since week four and the only playoff team she’s beaten in that time was Matt back in week 8.

9. FART JOKES Are we witnessing the end of an era? Last year we watched as Bob’s six-year run of 9+ win seasons came to an end. Now we may be seeing the end of his seven-year playoff run (longest active streak) come to an end? Right now, he’s still in it, despite a five-game slide and the good news is, he’s getting lucky at the end, facing the league’s worst team (Burrier) in week 13. 10. TWO Hey, look who is getting hot? He’s suddenly won two in a row, although winning a 907 – 784 game against your son isn’t much to brag about. I’d like to say there is hope he’ll make the playoffs…but there isn’t.

11. JOHNNY HANCOCK This is the 20th time father and son have faced off, but these match ups have been anything but glorious. Don leads the series 13-7, but in half of their 20 meetings, at least one team failed to score 1,000.

12. O0O0O So now the only question is…how bad will Burrier’s 2013 season be? He hasn’t scored over 1,000 since week seven, becoming the only current league member to accomplished five straight sub-1,000 points games in a row. Right now, he’s averaging 1,003 points per game and risks becoming just the fifth person in league history to average under 1,000 for the season.

WEEK THIRTEEN

o0o0o (L) Fart Joke (W) 951 – 1778 Flock Of Dudes (W) Two (L) 1506 – 1267 Butt Fumbles (W) Foleatio (L) 1292 – 1277 Mollipop (L) Johnny Hancock (W) 1304 – 1618 Wet Brees (L) The Dick-Taters (W) 1626 – 1693 Welcome 2 FLA, Assholes (L) Quarter Pounders (W) 1439 – 1540

I’m going to keep this short. I have much more coming this week as the playoffs start.

1. BUTT FUMBLES I’ve earn my fourth top-seed and my fourth scoring title. I am the 7th person to earn both the top seed and scoring title in the same year. Of course only one of the last four has won a title. However, in sad news, I came up 19 points shy of averaging 1,500 on the season. So sad.

2. THE DICK-TATERS Oh shit. Rich has been the 2-seed three times since 2008 and he’s 0-3 in the quarterfinals. He’ll face Bob, who has eliminated the last two 2-seeds in the first-round.

3. WET BREES Rob was hoping to lose and face Molly and not Bob. Let’s hope this isn’t a classic, “be careful what you wish for” moments.

4. QUARTER POUNDERS He’s won his last three quarterfinal games….

5. WELCOME 2 FLA, ASSHOLES He’s lost his last three quarterfinal games.

6. MOLLIPOP The six-seed has lost six of the last seven games in the first-round.

7. FART JOKES Bob is 7-1 in the quarterfinals…I can understand why no one wanted to play him.

8. FLOCK OF DUDES Welcome back to the playoffs. Now it’s Jeff (zero career playoff wins) vs. Robio (20 career playoff wins).

LOOKING AHEAD TO NEXT YEAR…

4th Pick: Matt Wow, that was close. In fact, Jimmy Graham’s fourth quarter 20-yard completion was the last stat I got and the one that put me over the top and eliminated Matt from the post-season.

3rd Pick: Don This is only the fourth time in 14 years Don has missed the playoffs. Of course he’s now missed the post-season two straight seasons.

2nd Pick: Eric Eric has now earned the first or second pick in the draft in three of the last four years.

1st Pick: Rich B Rich’s two wins are his career lowest and next year will be his second career first pick. Of course the last time he had a top pick, he took some guy named Tomlinson (2003) and won a championship.

QUARTERFINALS

Butt Fumbles (W) Flock Of Dudes (L) 1409 – 871 The Dick-Taters (W) Fart Joke (L) 1798 – 1182 Wet Brees (W) Mollipop (L) 2031 – 1299 Quarter Pounders (L) Welcome 2 FLA, Assholes (W) 1499 – 2067

It was a hell of a quarterfinal, resulting in no real upsets, based on seeds at least. The week featured two 2,000-point games, which has never happened before in this league’s 15-year history. As always, let’s talk about those we are losing for the season.

#5 QUARTER POUNDERS You can look at this season two ways…the simple way, the preseason champ once again failed to live up to the hype. Or you can dig deeper and see that Colby went above and beyond to salvage what should have been a lost season. In the end, he scored 1,499 in a playoff loss…zero shame in that.

#6 MOLLIPOP Look on the bright side…Molly produced a third straight winning season without her best player (Aaron Rodgers) for most of the year. In fact, the last time anyone named Coomer failed to have a winning season was 2009…the opposite of Burrier.

#7 FART JOKE Everyone was fearing the Bob. Maybe we don’t have to anymore. He has now lost back-to-back playoff games. He hasn’t done that since 2007-08. If Bob wants to strike fear back into his opponents, he better find some running backs. He hasn’t had a 1,000-yard back the previous two years.

#8 FLOCK OF DUDES Jeff will be disappointed by the results, but he shouldn’t be. He put together a solid team and had a good year and got back to the post-season. In this league, it’s all about building on success, so let’s start researching for next year. NOW,

THE TEAMS THAT REMAIN…

#1 BUTT FUMBLES I scored the lowest point total of the four winning teams, but 1,409 points are nothing to sneeze at. It was actually sort of scary. I had just 188 fantsy points with four players heading into the fourth quarter of the early games. I was down over 500 points to Jeff. I thought I was fucked. Then Tom Brady finally started his comeback, got lucky with an onside kick and a bullshit pass inference call, and by 4:30 in the late afternoon, I was suddenly ahead of Jeff and cruised to victory.

#2 THE DICK-TATERS The hump…it’s been gotten over. Calderon earned his first victory ever as a 2-seed, beating Bob, a man known for beating, you guessed it, two seeds. His playoff run began like his season did, riding on the back of LeSean McCoy, who had an incredible 502 points (221 yards rushing, which included a 40-yard and a 57-yard touchdown run).

#3 WET BREES Speaking of hump, Masterson won his first playoff game since 2006, crushing Molly by 732 points. It was also Rob’s first 2,000-point game since 2003, when he scored 2,501 in the quarterfinals of that year. Rob got a stunningly solid effort from Brees (509) and Gordon (414), but those aren’t surprises. However, Vereen’s 12 receptions and 354 fantasy points were.

#5 WELCOME 2 FLA, ASSHOLES Griff avoided losing to Colby three times this year, by winning the one that really mattered. He did it, rocking out 2,067 points, the second most points he’s ever scored in 15 years in this league. In my playoff predictions, I had Griff as my favorite when I used my math. This effort showed why. This is a complete fuckng team. Fitzergald and MJD are playing like stars again and the two Browns are capable of putting big numbers up. All that and I haven’t even mentioned Vernon Davis and Peyton Manning.

QUICK LOOK AHEAD…

The semis feature two amazingly great match ups. On one side of the bracket, it features two teams (Robio/Griff) that have totaled 13 of the league’s 28 title game appearances. On the flip side (Calderon/Masterson), we got two teams that have competed in just one title game (Rich back in 2007).

#1 ROBIO VS #5 GRIFF Griff and I have met four times in the post-season and I’ve won them all. However, in all four of the previous seasons, I considered myself the favorite in all four games. This year is different. I know I was the top seed and scoring champ, but Griff’s team has come together at the right time.

#2 RICH VS #3 ROB M I’ll be honest, I don’t like upsets and I hate when the top seeds fall. It’s going to happen when you don’t reward bye weeks (which I won’t do), so I get amp’d up when I see two stud teams facing off in the semis. These two have never faced off in the post-season, but overall, Rich has dominated this series, 12-4. Rob has dropped four of five, winning in week two, but losing in week 13.

SEMIFINALS

Wet Brees (L) The Dick-Taters (W) 1118 – 1451 Welcome 2 FLA, Assholes (W) Butt Fumbles (L) 1105 – 1038

It’s not even Tuesday and the title game is set, so how about a little Tuesday Thought on a Monday? First, let’s say goodbye to the Rob’s.

BUTT FUMBLES I preach it all the time. To win, you need to eliminate decisions. Find a lineup and then either win with it or lose with it. I can lose a game that way. If my lineup can’t get the job done, I’ll get over it. Yet, I failed to follow my own advice. This week I made two lineup changes and both cost me the game. First, I sat Tom Brady vs the Fins for Matt Ryan vs. the Redskins. Brady scored 392, Matt Ryan scored 140. On top of that, I slipped Patterson into my starting lineup Sunday morning, but then at 12:48, I took him out and put in Rogers. That decision cost me 106 points. In the end, I lost by 67 points. If I don’t make just one of those decisions (either one), I’m back in the title game.

WET BREES This is starting to become a trend. Since 2011, we have seen the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th and 7th highest scoring regular seasons ever. Yet, of those five, not a single one managed to win a title. In fact, only one (Eric last year) managed to reach the title game.

I mentioned this because number 3 (2011) and number 7 (this season) both belong to Masterson. Still, I refuse to focus on this one result. Rob managed to do something pretty incredible this year. He scored the 7th most points in a regular season and he produced a record-breaking ten 1,500 point games (if you include last week’s results) and he did this without his best receiver (Julio Jones) for nearly the entire season and his best running back (Doug Martin) for half the year. Just imagine what could have been done if those two remained healthy. Title or no title, Rob has re-established himself as one of the top dogs in this league after what he’s accomplished the past three seasons.

ON TO THE TITLE GAME CONTENDERS…

THE DICK-TATERS He’s back baby…in the title game that is and he seems to be playing his best ball of the season. His last three scores have been 1693, 1798 and 1451. He seems to have settled on a lineup and while the wide receivers weren’t impressive this week, he’s getting consistent points from Romo, McCoy and the Panthers D, but let’s not ignore DeMarco Murray.

Two years ago Rich picked him up as a free agent and he has been able to keep him in round 13, but Murray has been nothing but disappointing throughout. However, over the last five weeks, he’s been dominate, averaging 273 points per game, the most from any RB in that time. Let me just say, you’re welcome…since I’m the guy who drafted him and dropped him back in 2011.

WELCOME 2 FLA, ASSHOLES To win championships, sometimes you have to be good (like when Griff scored 2,067 points last week) and sometimes you just have to get lucky. This week, Griff got lucky. His 1,105 points, is the fourth lowest point total for a winning team in the post-season. Yet, it doesn’t matter. The goal is to win and that’s what Griff accomplished. Griff improves to a 7-1 in the semifinals (a league best) and will be attending his 7th title game in 15 seasons of Robioland football (tied with me for most). This will be his first trip since 2009, when he lost to Matt. However, here is a stat that Griff should enjoy. Since this league started, of the two teams playing in the title game, the one who scored the lowest point total of the two in the semis is 10-4 in the title game. In fact, only two people in this league have ever out-scored their title game opponent in the semis and then gone on to win the title. I did it back in 1999 and again in 2013. Matt Neatock is the other, he did it both times he won a title in 2007 and 2009.

A QUICK LOOK AHEAD

#2 THE DICK-TATERS VS #5 WELCOME 2 FLA, ASSHOLES

BY SEEDS: The 2-seed has always been sort of unlucky in this league. Prior to this season, they were just 5-9 in round one, going 10-13 overall. The 2-seed has been to the title game three times total, winning it all twice. As a 2-seed, Griff lost to me in 1999, but in 2000 I won it all as a number two, as did Bob in 2004. However, that’s it. It has been a eight-year drought until Rich finally got back into the title game as a 2-seed. Like the 2-seed, the 5-seed has appeared in three title games. Griff was the first 5-seed to make it to a championship game back in 2003, but he lost to Burrier. In 2007, Matt won his first title as a 5-seed. Then the following season, I lost to Bob as a 5-seed.

CALDERON AND COOMER…THE HISTORY While this isn’t so much a rivalry, this has been a pretty tight match-ups over the years. Griff leads the all-time series, 8-6. Rich won the first one back in 2003. He beat him in week nine, 1,500 – 1188. It was Rich’s first season in the league and the first time he had won back-to-back games. Griff would go on to win four straight in the series between 2004-2006. Calderon got some revenge by winning both games in 2007. Griff would win the next two in 2008 and 2009, but then Rich would win three of four, including two wins in 2012.

This season, back in week eight, Griff took care of business, beating Rich 1,264 – 1,178. In that game, Griff only got 378 from Peyton Manning and starting Roy Helu was a mistake, as he produced just 38 fantasy points. However, he got 100+ from every other position and that was more than enough to earn a 96-point victory. Calderon’s losing squad that day doesn’t resemble his current team. In fact, only three players (Romo, Thomas and the Panthers D) who played this past weekend, played during that loss to Griff back in week eight. Back then Steven Ridley delivered 190 points, but Justin Blackmon had just 30 yards receiving and LeSean McCoy failed to hit 100. Anyhow, congratulations. Predictions later in the week.

FINALS

The Dick-Taters (W) Welcome 2 FLA, Assholes (L) 1496 – 1270

Of course, before we talk about the champion, we like to give one last shout out to the loser. Despite yet another title game defeat (this is Griff’s sixth in 15 years), it’s hard not to marvel at what Mr. Coomer has accomplished lately. Back in 2007-2008, he was getting fucked like a black kid in Florida carrying Skittles. Despite finishing 7th and 8th respectively in scoring those two years, Griff could only muster back-to-back four win seasons thanks to his opponents scoring the most points in each season. However, since that time Griff has been arguable the second best team in the league (behind Bob). He has produced an incredible five straight seasons of at least nine wins. He’s only the second person to do that. One more and he’ll tie Bob for longest streak in league history.

The reality is, this impressive five-year run has stayed hidden under the radar for a few different reasons. First, he’s never had a scoring title (finished a solid 3rd, 7th, 5th, 2nd and 6th in scoring). He’s also earned the top seed just once (last year). However, the biggest problem was that he’s struggled to turn his regular season success into playoff runs…at least, until this year when he returned to the title game.

Now think about what he’s had to deal with to do that. A backfield of Maurice Jones-Drew and C.J. Spiller, projected to be one of the best backfields in the league, both flopped. MJD finished 21st, while Spiller disappeared to 26th among all backs. Meanwhile, Fitzgerald couldn’t produce despite Carson Palmer throwing him the ball in the desert, as he finished 21st among receivers. Want more? Reggie Wayne was a solid low-end WR1 until he was knocked out for the season in week seven.

In the end, it was a decision Griff made August, 2012. As the entire league passed on Peyton Manning, Griff took a chance in the fifth-round and man, did that pick pay off. He kept Manning this year and he went ahead and had the second best fantasy season in league history. Because of the numbers Peyton was putting up (including a record setting 818 points in week one), he gave Griff the cushion he needed to fill his holes (Boldin, Brown & Brown), while waiting for players like MJD and Fitzgerald to kick it into gear later in the season.

It was never easy. He produced two weekly low scores and never won three in a row all season. Yet, he never lost two in a row and that made him a dangerous team down the stretch. In the end though, he came up 226 points short. Not bad.

Okay, now on to the 2014 Fantasy Football Champion.

I was actually sort of sad to see Calderon win the title. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing but love for the man. I wasn’t cheering for or against anyone in this title game. Yet, by winning the title, Rich FINALLY loses his “best team to never win a title” label. And when I say, NEVER, I’m talking about NEVER. Rich has been playing fantasy sports longer than anyone in this league and despite plenty of success in all his leagues (this includes football and baseball), he’s never been able to deliver a title in any paid league he’s been in. Yet, that’s all over and that saddens me. Now he’s just a regular dude with no story to tell each and every year.

So how did he do it? Ironically, in the year of the non-running back, Rich won this thing with the best backfield in football (at least in the second half of the season). Since week 10 of the NFL season, LeSean McCoy and DeMarco Murray have combined to average 594 fantasy points. To put that in perspective, Griff’s 2005 backfield of Shaun Alexander and Larry Johnson (the greatest backfield in league history) averaged 580 points per game (they did that for the full season and with L.J. only starting nine games that year).

Here are the last six games of McCoy and Murray:

McCoy: 270, 372, 182, 502, 186, 396 = 1908 Murray: 216, 218, 340, 270, 322, 292 = 1658

These two combined for a stunning 688 points in the title game, the second most ever by a pair of running backs in a title game. The most? Yep, Griff’s Alexander/Johnson each scored over 400 and delivered 832 fantasy points back in 2005.

Anyhow, their 688 points helped Rich overcome his boneheaded lineup changes that gave Griff hope until the end. Seriously, four lineup changes and all four were wrong (the defensive decision was only a one-point mistake). Worse yet, by cutting Tony Romo for Jay Cutler, Rich denied poor Romo his only chance for a championship. Cold man, cold.

Overall, it was a great season. Rich earned the two seed, finishing a solid fourth in scoring. He failed to hit 1,000 just once all season and never lost back-to-back games. He becomes just the fourth person in league history to win a title and finish with just three loses on the year (Robio ’99, Jason ’01, Matt ’09 were the others).

His 22,498 total points (regular season and post-season) are the 12th most ever scored. He’s gone a stunning 23-7 over the last two years. Those 23 wins are the most wins over a two-year period in the 13-game regular season era. Congratulations to Rich Calderon, your 2014 Robioland Fantasy Football Champion.