The 2013 playoffs are here. If you’re one of the lucky eight, then this article is for you.
#1 BUTT FUMBLES, 10-3 (ROBIO)
JUST THE PLAYOFF FACTS, MA’AM I’m 20-6 in the post-season. My 20 wins are a league high and my .769 winning percentage is also the league best. I’m the only person to average over 1,500 per game in the post-season (I’m sitting at 1,509). In fact, I’ve broken 1,500 in 14 of my last 18 playoff games. My opponents have averaged just 1,283 points per game, the second lowest total (behind just Bob’s 1,233). I’m a league best 9-1 in round one. My only loss was was to Calderon in 2003. I’ve won five straight in the first-round. I’m 7-2 in the semis and my seven league title games are the league most (I’m 4-3 in those games).
DEEP THOUGHTS When the league got started, I was simply the king, winning three of the league’s first four titles. In 2003, I was expecting to make it four out of five quite easily, but then I became the first 1-seed to go down without a win in the post-season and after that, I sort of lost my mojo. First, just getting to the post-season was no longer a guarantee, missing the fun four times in eight years. However, when I do get the invite to the party, I still perform well. First and second round opponents became my bitch, but unlike Alex Baldwin in Glengarry Glen Ross, I failed to be a closer, losing the title game in 2006, 2008 and 2010. However, in 2012 I finally got back over the hump and walked away with my first post-2003 title.
ROB’S POST-SEASON HISTORY YearQuarterFinalsSemiFinals Finals 1999#8 Tim, 1242 - 942 (W)#5 Rick, 1642 - 1140 (W)#2 Griff, 1872 - 1234 (W) 2000#7 David, 1097 - 1012 (W)#6 Chris, 1332 - 1298 (W) #4 Griff, 1448 - 1197 (W) 2001#7 Brian, 1224 - 662 (W) #6 David, 1075 - 1436 (L) 2002#6 Rick, 1815 - 1393 (W) #5 Griff, 1598 - 795 (W) #1 Molly, 1841 - 1112 (W) 2003#8 Rich C, 1533 - 1953 (L) 2004 2005#3 Rich B, 1816 - 1295 (W) #7 Colby, 1540 - 1880 (L) 2006#6 Griff, 1848 - 1364 (W) #8 Rob M, 1464 - 1073 (W) #7 Don, 844 - 1617 (L) 2007 2008#4 Bob, 1641 - 1136 (W) #3 Colby, 1760 - 1064 (W) #7 Don, 1041 - 1216 9 (L) 2009 2010#8 Rich B, 1741 - 1192 (W) #7 Don, 1705 - 1181 (W) #4 Bob, 948 - 1283 (L) 2011 2012#5 Molly, 1625 - 1528 (W) #7 Bob, 1554 - 1471 (W) #3 Eric, 1973 - 1871 (W)
#2 THE DICK-TATERS, 10-3 (RICH C)
JUST THE PLAYOFF FACTS, MA’AM Overall Calderon is just 5-7 in the post-season. His .417 winning percentage is 8th best in the league. However, he’s 4-3 in round one, which is good enough for 5th best. His 1,214 points per game is the lowest in league history (among current owners). He did break 1,500 in three of his first five post-season games, but hasn’t sniffed it since the quarters, 2007. His opponents average 1,373, which is the third most. He’s made one trip to the finals, losing to Matt in the 2007 championship game. His name appears four times on the playoff record book. He became the first 8-seed to upset a 1-seed (when he beat me in the 2003 quarters). He also has the biggest upset based on record when at 7-7, he defeated 12-2 David in the 2007 semis. However, he and Don combined for the lowest scoring playoff game in league history when they scored 1,830 points (Don beat Rich, 1114 – 716) and his 2,382 total playoff points were the lowest points scored by a team to reach the title game.
DEEP THOUGHTS Calderon’s playoff abilities have taken on almost mystic qualities, the kind that we’ll be telling our grandchildren about 40 years from now. Yet, it’s a simple concept. When Rich’s teams fail to dominate the regular season and barely squeeze into the post-season, his squad plays like it has nothing to lose and always advances. However, when Rich has a great team that earns a high seed and is expected to do great things…his team wilts under the pressure. He became the first 8-seed to take down a 1-seed in his first season back in 2003. He went back to the semis the following year as a 4-seed. In 2007, he double dipped, taking out both the scoring champ (Don) and the top seed (David) as a 7-seed, earning his only trip to the finals. In 2009, he advanced to the semis for the fourth time, this time as a 5-seed.
However, as a top seed…it’s not pretty. In 2008 he entered the playoffs winning nine of 10, earning a 2-seed. He lost to Don in the quarters, 1505 – 1133. Two years later, he won six of his final eight, brought home his first scoring title, but as a 2-seed again, he fell to Don. Two years later, he shook off a 1-2 start to win nine of his final ten, again earning a 2-seed. This time it was Bob who removed him from the post-season. Sadly, Rich is a high seed again in 2013. Can he change his fortune?
RICH’S POST-SEASON HISTORY YearQuarterFinalsSemiFinals Finals 2003#1 Robio, 1953 - 1535 (W) #3 Rich B, 1054 - 1141 (L) 2004#5 Don, 1845 - 1075 (W) #2 Bob, 965 - 1239 (L) 2005 2006 2007#2 Don, 1604 - 1436 (W) #1 David, 1067 - 965 (W) #5 Matt, 811 - 1444 (L) 2008#7 Don, 1133 - 1505 (L) 2009#4 Jeff, 1293 - 1233 (W) #1 Matt, 878 - 1950 (L) 2010#7 Don, 726 - 1114 (L) 2011 2012#7 Bob, 1249 - 1894 (L)
#3 WET BREES, 8-5 (Rob M)
JUST THE PAYOFF FACTS, MA’AM The name Masterson does not strike fear in post-season play. Rob is an unimpressive 3-7 in the playoffs and he hasn’t won a post-season game since 2006 (the longest active streak excluding Jeff). However, that has a lot to do with the simple fact that his opponents average a stunning 1,591 points per game. Only Molly’s opponents have produced more than 1,400 points pr game. Rob is actually tied with Matt for the second most points scored per game (1,448), but twice in the last four years he has scored over 1,600 in a game and lost. He scored 1,709 in the 2009 quarters, but fell to Griff and then in 2011, he scored 1,623 and lost to Bob. Throughout his career, Rob has advanced to the semis three times, but has never managed to get to the title game. The only person besides Jeff who has failed to do that.
Rob’s name appears in the playoff record book three times. He scored 2,501 points against Molly way back in the 2003 quarterfinals. Not only was that the most points scored in the post-season, they were the most points scored ever by a single team in a game. In that same game, he beat Molly by 1,182 points, making it the largest post-season ass-whopping in league history. As for being on the wrong side of history, when Bob rallied to beat Rob in the 2011 quarterfinals (1,625 – 1,623), the two-point margin of victory was the closest game in playoff history.
DEEP THOUGHTS Rob’s struggles in this league are well documented. He’s never been able to vault himself into the elite class, even in his early years as he consistently managed to just squeeze into the post-season. Four times in his first five years he sat as a 7-seed (2002-2004) or a 8-seed (2006), but he did mange to make some noise, pulling off first-round upsets over 2-seed Don in 2002, 2-seed Molly in 2003 and 1-seed Burrier in 2006. However, he also missed the post-season four times in six years, losing in round one as a 6-seed to Griff (1801 – 1709). Starting in 2011, Rob finally seem to get things to go his way. He made back-to-back playoff appearances for the first time since 2003-04, but in both cases, he failed to escape the first-round.
ROB M’S POST-SEASON HISTORY YearQuarterFinalsSemiFinals Finals 2002#2 Don, 1431 - 1254 (W) #1 Molly, 867 - 1646 (L) 2003#2 Molly, 2501 - 1319 (W) #5 Griff, 1064 - 1591 (L) 2004#2 Bob, 1494 - 1825 (L) 2005 2006#1 Rich B, 1452 - 917 (W) #3 Robio, 1073 - 1464 (L) 2007 2008 2009#3 Griff, 1709 - 1801 (L) 2010 2011#7 Bob, 1623 - 1625 (L) 2012#3 Eric, 1269 - 1649 (L)
#4 QUARTER POUNDERS, 8-5 (COLBY)
JUST THE PLAYOFF FACTS, MA’AM While Colby does sit below .500 in the post-season (5-6), there’s no shame in that as he has the 7th best post-season winning percentage in the league. In round one, he’s proven to be a tough out. He’s won his last three quarterfinal match ups and is 4-2 overall in round one, fourth best in the league. He made it to one title game, back in 2005. However, he lost to Griff and his 739 points was the lowest point ever in a championship game. Overall in the post-season his 1,290 points per game is just ninth overall, while his opponent’s 1,324 points per game are 7th highest. Besides scoring the least amount of points in a title game, his name is also on the wrong side of another record from that game. He lost to Griff by 1,143 points…the largest ass-kicking in title game history.
DEEP THOUGHTS During Colby’s first season way back in 2004, he rolled into the post-season as the scoring king, but managed just the 8-seed. It remains the only time a 1-seed has had to face a scoring champ in the quarters. In the end though, Colby’s poor luck continued as he lost his first post-season game by just 47 points. The following year he brought the 4th best scoring team to the playoffs as a 7-seed and did some damage. He eliminated Matt in round one, scored 1,880 in a semis win over me, before falling victim to Griff again, this time in the title game (1,882 – 739). The next year, Colby would fail to escape the first-round against Bob, but that would be the last time that would be a problem.
Since 2008, Colby is 3-0 in round one, taking care of business against 6-seeded David in 2008, 3-seeded Matt in 2010 and finally getting revenge against Griff, taking down the 4-seed in 2011. However, Colby has not been able to translate that quarterfinals success into semifinal victories. He lost to me in 2008 and then dropped back-to-back semis to eventual champ Bob in 2010 and 2011. Fact is, if he wants to avoid anyone in the post-season, it has to be Bob or me. His last four playoff loses have come to one of us.
COLBY’S POST-SEASON HISTORY YearQuarterFinalsSemiFinals Finals 2004#1 Griff, 1349 - 1396 (L) 2005#2 Matt, 1222 - 1060 (W) #6 Robio, 1880 - 1540 (W) #4 Griff, 739 - 1882 (L) 2006#5 Bob, 781 - 1373 (L) 2007 2008#6 David, 1041 - 652 (W)#5 Robio, 1064 - 1760 (L) 2009 2010#3 Matt, 1726 - 1311 (W) #4 Bob, 1015 - 1163 (L) 2011#4 Griff, 2197 - 1227 (W) #7 Bob, 1180 - 1201 (L) 2012
#5 WELCOME 2 FLA, ASSHOLES, 7-6 (GRIFF)
JUST THE PLAYOFF FACTS, MA’AM Griff has played 24 games in the post-season, second only to me and his .583 winning percentage (14-10) sits behind just me, Bob and Matt. He’s averaged a solid 1,325 points per game, fifth best in league history, while his opponents have scored 1,357 points per game, also 5th in the league. Griff’s 11 post-season appearances is the tops in the league and his 7-4 record in the quarters is the league’s third best. At 6-1, he has the highest winning percentage in the semis, but in the finals he falls to a stunning 1-5. In fact, only one other team has at least two title game defeats. He did win his first and only title back in 2005. His 1,143 crushing of Colby is still the largest ass-kicking in title game history. He became the first 5-seed to win a title (it’s happened twice more since). Also, in the 2009 playoffs, he scored a solid 4,807 points in his three playoff games, the most points scored by a league runner-up.
DEEP THOUGHTS For the longest time, Griff was known for one thing…losing title games (or losing to me). In the league’s first two years, Griff accomplished both. He lost to me in both the 1999 title game and the 2000 title game. After missing the post-season in 2001, he failed to reach the finals for the first time in 2002, when he fell to me in the semis. The following two years he ended up right back where he belong, with the same disappointing results. He lost to Burrier in the 2003 championship game and then fell to Bob in the 2004 title game. However, in 2005, he finally got over the hump, defeating Colby, 1,882 – 739. To this day, he’s still the only person to reach three straight title games.
After a two year playoff absence, he returned and for the sixth time in seven playoff appearances, he made it to the title game and lost (this time to 1-seed Matt). However, starting in 2010 something went wrong. Suddenly, despite putting up solid numbers and delivering good teams into the post-season, Griff couldn’t escape round one. First he lost to eventual champ Bob in 2010, then he fell to Colby the following year. Last season, he was the clear favorite as the 1-seed, but was upset by Burrier. He hasn’t won a playoff game since 2009, despite the fact he has gone 28-11 in the regular season in that time.
GRIFF’S POST-SEASON HISTORY YearQuarterFinalsSemiFinals Finals 1999#7 Chris, 1245 - 996 (W) #3 Brian, 1299 - 1086 (W)#1 Robio, 1234 - 1872 (L) 2000#5 Justin H, 1158 - 986 (W) #1 Rick, 1398 - 1313 (W) #2 Robio, 1197 - 1448 (L) 2001 2002#4 Justin A, 1256 - 1088 (W) #3 Robio, 795 - 1598 (L) 2003#4 David, 1449 - 568 (W) #7 Rob M, 1591 - 1064 (W) #3 Rich B, 1036 - 2011 (L) 2004#8 Colby, 1396 - 1349 (W) #6 David, 1379 - 913 (W) #2 Bob, 1169 - 1216 (L) 2005#5 Molly, 1792 - 1190 (W) #8 David, 1388 - 1295 (W) #7 Colby, 1882 - 739 (W) 2006#3 Robio, 1364 - 1848 (L) 2007 2008 2009#6 Rob M, 1801 - 1709 (W) #2 Bob, 1622 - 1534 (W) #1 Matt, 1384 - 1608 (L) 2010#4 Bob, 690 - 1793 (L) 2011#5 Colby, 1227 - 2197 (L) 2012#8 Rich B, 1084 - 1150 (L)
#6 MOLLIPOP, 7-6 (MOLLY)
JUST THE PLAYOFF FACTS, MA’AM In 8 playoff trips, Molly has managed just three wins. She’s just 10th in points scored in the post-season (1,259 points per game), which is actually on par for her regular season average, where she sits 9th in scoring, averaging 1,249 PPG. However, unlike the regular season where her opponents have averaged just 1,241 PPG (2nd lowest in the league), her opponents suddenly show up in the playoffs, as they have scored the second most points per game, 1,470 points per game. Her problems begin in round one, where she is 2-6. Her six quarterfinals loses are the league’s most. Her name appears in the playoff record book once. Her 2007 playoff win was the lowest points scored (982) in a post-season win.
DEEP THOUGHTS Back in 2002, Molly entered the league like a Mike Tyson punch to the gut. She earned a top-seed and proved it was no fluke by taking care of business by easily defeating 8-seeded David and 7-seeded Masterson. She would end up losing to me in the finals and let’s be honest, who would have guessed that would have been the highlight of Molly’s post-season glory?
Molly would end up losing five-straight games starting with that title game defeat, dropping four straight quarterfinal games in a five-year span. That five-game post-season losing streak remains the league’s longest. In 2008, she earned what proved to be the easiest road to the 1-seed. Her final seven opponents all failed to scored 1,000, producing four weekly low scores. Thus it was fitting that 8-seed Eric also failed to record 1,000 points and Molly earned the lowest scoring victory in post-season history, beating Eric 982 – 850. The following week she would fall to Don.
In 2011, Molly became the highest scoring team (1,536 PPG) to not win a playoff game, when she fell to 8-seeded Don by 55 points in round one. She followed suit the following season, dropping a first-round game to me. She’s currently dropped three straight and eight of nine post-season games.
Fun Molly fact: She has lost to four teams in the playoffs that eventually went on to win the title.
MOLLY’S POST-SEASON HISTORY YearQuarterFinalsSemiFinals Finals 2002#8 David, 1424 - 982 (W) #7 Rob M, 1646 - 867 (W) #3 Robio, 1112 - 1841 (L) 2003#7 Rob M, 1319 - 2501 (L) 2004 2005#4 Griff, 1190 - 1792 (L) 2006#7 Don, 1296 - 1499 (L) 2007#3 Bob, 887 - 1537 (L) 2008#8 Eric, 982 - 850 (W) #7 Don, 1119 - 1281 (L) 2009 2010 2011#8 Don, 1344 - 1399 (L) 2012#4 Robio, 1528 - 1625 (L)
#7 FART JOKE, 6-7 (BOB)
JUST THE PLAYOFF FACTS, MA’AM Bob is an amazing 13-5 in the post-season, after winning seven of his last eight. His .722 winning percentage is second only to me and it’s the best post-2003 record. He’s averaged 1,444 PPG, a 142-point per game bump from his regular season total. It’s the fourth best in league history. His opponents have scored just 1,233 PPG, the lowest in the league. He’s a stud in the quarterfinals, going 7-1. He’s 3-4 in the semis, the second most career wins in the semifinals. Most importantly, he’s undefeated in the finals, going 3-0. In the playoff record book, his 1,625 – 1,623 victory over 2-seeded Masterson in 2011 is the closest game in post-season history.
DEEP THOUGHTS Bob is the new Robio if you count just what you’ve seen since 2003. Bob has delivered three championships, the first coming in his first post-season appearance back in 2004, beating Griff in the tightest title game ever, 1,216 – 1,169. Between 2006-2009, he continuously brought solid teams into the post-season, winning three of four in the quarterfinals, but always falling short in the semis (0-3 turning that time). However, in 2010-2011, Bob became just the second person to earn back-to-back titles. He came close to becoming the second person to appear in three straight title games, but fell short in the 2012 semis.
BOB’S POST-SEASON HISTORY YearQuarterFinalsSemiFinals Finals 2003 2004#7 Rob M, 1825 - 1494 (W) #2 Rich C, 1239 - 965 (W) #1 Griff, 1216 - 1169 (W) 2005 2006#4 Colby, 1373 - 781 (W) #7 Don, 1211 - 1007 (L) 2007#6 Molly, 1537 - 887 (W) #5 Matt, 1158 - 1398 (L) 2008#5 Robio, 1136 - 1641 (L) 2009#7 Don, 1941 - 1491 (W) #3 Griff, 1534 - 1622 (L) 2010#5 Griff, 1793 - 690 (W) #6 Colby, 1163 - 1015 (W) #1 Robio, 1283 - 948 (W) 2011#2 Rob M, 1625 - 1623 (W) #5 Colby, 1201 - 1180 (W) #3 Rich B, 1590 - 1283 (W) 2012#2 Rich C, 1894 - 1249 (W) #4 Robio, 1471 - 1554 (L)
#8 FLOCK OF DUDES, 6-7 (JEFF)
JUST THE PLAYOFF FACTS, MA’AM The fact is, there isn’t enough data to dig too deep. Jeff has appeared in just one playoff game. He scored 1,233 points in that game, which would make him last in points per game.
DEEP THOUGHTS I’ll have to keep this one short…In 2009, Jeff entered the post-season in his first year post-Colby. He went 8-5 on the year, but limped into the post-season losing three of four. While he kept it close, he fell to Calderon, 1,293 – 1,233.
JEFF’S POST-SEASON HISTORY YearQuarterFinalsSemiFinals Finals 2003 2009#5 Rich C, 1233 - 1293 (L) 2010 2011 2012
HOW WE GOT HERE
Now that we’ve taken a moment to look back at each team’s playoff history…it’s time to look back at this season and see how each team got here.
ROBIO, HOW I GOT HERE
Since 2003 I have made it to a stunning four title games (winning it all last year), but being consistent had not been my strong suit as I had missed the playoffs four times in that time span. However, with the return of Matt Ryan and Marshawn Lynch, plus the fact I landed all the draft picks I wanted early in the draft, I felt like I had a good chance to repeat.
Out of gate I dropped one to Masterson, but no sweat. I scored well and I had Rob as one of the better teams. My lack of concern proved legit as I won and won and won, breaking 1,400 in my first six games. I was 5-1 and even managed to pick up Knowshon Moreno to replace the struggling Lamer Miller. During weeks seven and eight I struggled to score, but manage to split those games, before rebounding nicely with a 1,800-point performance in a win over Bob and then Eric the following week. At 8-2, I was in first place and leading the league in scoring.
However, one major concern was at quarterback. Matt Ryan could do no right and I had zero options to fix it. The problem showed up big time in week 11, as I lost to Calderon, barely scoring 1,000 points. However, the week before I had shipped off Demaryius Thomas for Tom Brady and the Patriots quarterback earned his paycheck after his bye, leading me to two victories in the final two weeks. With the wins, I was able to earn both my fourth top seed and my fourth scoring title.
RICH C, HOW HE GOT HERE
With a solid backfield and big name receives, Calderon was expected to be a playoff team in 2013 and he played the part early, winning three of his first four. However, he wasn’t scoring a ton of points thanks to issues with Steven Ridley, Roddy White and Dwayne Bowe. At this point, Rich was starting three players from one squad, which is a scary proposition. However, in week five, behind 1,000+ plus points from Tony Romo and Justin Blackmon, Rich exploded for 2,040 and his fourth win.
With a great eye for the wire providing Rich with the league’s deepest team, the wins kept coming, as Rich won five of his final seven games. What made that most impressive was the fact that all seven games were against playoff teams (and one game against Matt, arguable the best team in the second half of the season). Two of those wins included victories over the two Rob’s, i.e. the two highest scoring teams in the league. Rich became just the second person in league history to record back-to-back 10-win seasons (and the first person to do it post-2003), earning his fourth career two-seed.
ROB M, HOW HE GOT HERE
There’s coming out of the gate hot and then there’s coming out of the gate flaming like Paul Walker on a Sunday afternoon drive. Rob won his first three games, scoring over 1,500 in each contest. Even in week four when he lost to Burrier, Rich had to pull a 1,908-point game out of his ass to do it (as Rob scored over 1,500 again). However, it wouldn’t be a Masterson season without a couple of shoes dropping and two huge clogs hit the floor hard when Julio Jones (in week six) and Doug Martin (in week eight) went out for the year. While Rob did suffer a couple loses in weeks six and nine, he was still scoring well, breaking 1,500 again in wins in week 7 and 8.
Thanks to rise of Josh Gordon and the trade of RGIII (for T.Y. Hilton), Rob worked through some running back issues and won two more games in weeks 10 (Don) and week 11 (Colby), scoring over 1,600 twice and clinching a playoff birth. At 8-3, Rob had a good shot at his first top seed and scoring title. However, Rob couldn’t get it done against the top two teams in the standings, myself and then Calderon. However, after scoring 1,626 against Rich, Rob became the first person in league history to break 1,500 in nine games in one season. Even better news, he avoids Bob in the quarterfinals and gets to face Molly, the lowest scoring playoff team in round one.
COLBY, HOW HE GOT HERE
The preseason favorite…Colby has been there before and it didn’t quite work out for him. However, 2013 would be different…if he could stay healthy. He challenge that logic early by drafting a risky Arian Foster and a already injured Rob Gronkowski. Yet, people had enough faith in those guys along with Russell Wilson, Chris Johnson, Brandon Marshall, Randall Cobb and the 49ers DST.
Colby started the season nicely, winning his first two (Jeff & Griff), although the second win was a less-than-an-impressive 1,196 – 944 victory. However, barely anyone showed up the next three weeks in loses to Robio, Bob and Calderon. In week six, things started to look bleak. Players weren’t living up to the hype, Gronkowski wasn’t back and then Arian Foster, Randall Cobb & Jermichael Finley all went out for the year. Things were looking real bad, yet Colby didn’t sit on his ass and whine. He traded away Cobb for Jason Witten, a week after he shipped Gronk and others off for Rivers and Alshon Jeffery.
Luckily for Colby, the schedule allowed him some time to figure out his lineup as he faced the four worst teams in the league in weeks 6-9. He won them all, scoring a respectable 1,392 per game in those wins. He won a fifth straight game against a struggling Molly team, putting him at a solid 7-3 on the season. With an ever-changing lineup, Colby struggled late, losing to Masterson and Jeff, before delivering a solid win in week 13. While few would declare him any kind of favorite heading into the playoffs, no one wins eight games by accident, so be warned.
GRIFF, HOW HE GOT HERE
If you ever asked yourself, can one man win a team a championship…well, Griff tried to answer that question this season. Anyhow, prior to the season, Griff looked stacked. Along with Manning, he had up-and-coming C.J. Spiller, a healthy MJD and Larry Fitzgerald with a quarterback. He rocked it out of the gate, dominating Bob, 1,872 – 1,406 in week one, behind Peyton Manning’s record breaking 818 points. However, the cracks in Griff’s armor started to show in week two when he failed to break 1,000. Yet, despite the struggles of MJD, Spiller and Fitzgerald, Griff managed to win three of four and scored over 1,400 in all four games.
However, Reggie Wayne went down in week seven and Griff was struggling to put good players on his squad. It’s not like he didn’t have stars. Antonio Brown was looking great in Pittsburgh, Spiller and MJD produced a couple solid games and Andre Brown returned from his preseason injury, but all remained inconsistent and Griff simply couldn’t guess right every time. He would fail to win back-to-back games the rest of the way, losing to bad teams like Don one week, but beating good teams like Calderon and Bob before and after. He finished the season 7-6, earning the 5-seed. He’s going to need one playoff win if he wants to extend his 8-win per season streak to five.
MOLLY, HOW SHE GOT HERE
There were some teams I expect to walk out of the draft and deliver some solid games to start the season…Molly wasn’t one of those teams. Don’t get me wrong, I thought she would qualify for the post-season in 2013, I didn’t expect her to dominate anyone. Yet, dominate is what she did early, crushing Burrier, 1,840 – 1,180, and taking care of Eric, 1,547 – 1,223, behind studs like Aaron Rodgers, Adrian Peterson and Victor Cruz. In week three she couldn’t hit 800 and lost to Griff, but that seemed like a hiccup as she hit 1,563 in a win over Bob. At 3-1, she was sitting pretty, despite the fact she struggled to fill her flex spot for the second straight year.
However, that hole, plus another gap at tight end started to cause problems right when Molly began the tough part of the schedule. Against the top three teams in the league, she fell three straight times and suddenly she sat below .500 at 3-4. Luckily for her, she got to face two more non-playoff teams and took care of business against Matt and Don, despite the fact she failed to hit 1,300 for the fifth straight game. However, the last win came at a cost, as Aaron Rodgers went down with a injury that would keep him out for the season.
With no Rodgers, she fell to Colby, but then Big Ben stepped in and Molly won two straight and at 7-5, she was locked into a playoff spot, despite the fact she had now gone eight games without scoring over 1,300. In week 13, in a meaningless game, she did break 1,300 (at 1,304), but lost to Eric. At 7-6, she wrapped up the 6-seed and a third straight trip to the post-season.
BOB, HOW HE GOT HERE
No one had faith in the Bob, but I did. Of course with his running backs (Bradshaw, Bernard, D. Richardson and company) I get why people had misgivings about Bob’s squad. Early on though, he looked good without running backs, getting solid points from Cam Newton and his receivers, plus a Seahawks D. He won two of three, hitting 1,400+ in all three games. A loss to a second (Molly) Coomer in week four didn’t seems to faze him as he delivered back-to-back wins against both Vozzola’s and then scoring 1,536 in a tough loss to Masterson.
At 5-3, Bob was second in the league in scoring and it was only a matter of time before he reached the post-season for an 8th straight season. Yet, Bob got fucked again when he scored 1,619 in a loss to me. That’s when things went south. Even with Rob Gronkowski living up to the hype, Bob would drop his next three, struggling to score in all three contests. Suddenly, after a five-game losing streak, Bob was 5-8 and barely holding on to the 8-seed by total points tiebreaker.
A loss in week 13 would most likely end Bob’s season. Luckily for him, he got huge games from Cam Newton, A.J. Green, Gronk, the ‘Hawks D and even Justin Tucker to dominate Burrier, 1,778 – 951. For the third straight season, Bob finished the regular season under .500 (6-7), yet he still managed to tie the record for most seasons in row in the playoffs (8 straight). Now as a 7-seed again, everyone is fearing the Bob.
JEFF, HOW HE GOT HERE
Jeff’s last playoff appearance was way back in 2009 and the way he made decisions early, it looked like he was aiming to miss it again. He made two costly last-second lineup decisions and lost to Colby in week one and to Don in week two. He finally got his shit together and won solid games against Burrier and Griff. Sure he lost in week five to Bob, but he still managed to break 1,500 for the second straight game. The following week he caught a break, defeating Eric, despite scoring just 1,080.
At 3-3, Jeff was in a good spot as others like Rich, Matt and the two Vozzola’s struggled to win. Over the next two weeks, Jeff would face the league’s top two teams (the Rob’s) and managed to split, losing to Masterson, but beating me. However, Jeff got hit by bye-weeks hard and dropped three straight, including one to Matt, who was hot and passed him in the standings. Suddenly, Jeff was 4-7 and would miss the playoffs yet again if he lost one more time.
In week 12, he got his revenge against Colby, beating his former teammate, 1,419 – 1,316. Then in the final week, he got the help he needed (when I beat Matt) and he handled Don, 1,506 – 1,267. He ended up tied 6-7 with Matt, but outscored him by 405 points on the season, thus earning Jeff the 8-seed.
QUARTERFINALS, THE MATCH UPS
1. BUTT FUMBLES VS 8. FLOCK OF DUDES SERIES HISTORY: Jeff has been a bit of a problem for me. He leads the all-time series, 4-3. He’s won two in a row against me. This is our first meeting in the playoffs THIS SEASON: Behind Matt Stafford’s 506 fantasy points, Jeff overcame zero points from Randle and the fact only one other player (the Patriots D) scored over 200 to beat me, 1302 – 1234 in week eight. For me, Matt Ryan did little (136), Lynch did even less (36), but it was leaving Jimmy Graham on the bench that cost me the game.
Based on history and the standings, this game should be a major mismatch. I’ve won 20 playoff games, Jeff has won zero playoff games. I’m the top seed and scoring champ, Jeff barely squeezed into the playoffs. I averaged 1,499 for the season, Jeff scored that much just three times all year. Yet, the CBS Guru has me as just a 18-point favorite. The fact is, at QB (Brady vs. Stafford), RB (Moreno/Lynch vs. Charles/Bell) and receiver (Allen/Douglas vs. Smith/Jones), the two teams match up perfectly. I do have the advantage at tight end (Graham vs Witten), but Jeff has one major gift…the Patriots D gets to face a Browns offense that will be starting a quarterback they picked up off the street today.
There is plenty of talent on Jeff’s squad to pull off the upset. Hell, there is enough talent to make a run for the title. However, when my team has needed the big win, it always seems to come through. I haven’t lost a playoff game in the first-round since 2003. If I’m betting, I’m betting on the house…that’s me.
2. THE DICK-TATERS VS 7. FART JOKE SERIES HISTORY: Rich leads the series 7-6 and has taken five of seven from Bob. This will be these two’s fourth meeting in the playoffs. So far, Bob has dominated Rich in the post-season. He beat him in the semis on his way to his first title back in 2004. Then as a 7-seed, he’s upset Rich twice, in 2010 and 2012. THIS SEASON: Calderon got a stunning 318 from Racist Cooper and another 270 from LeSean McCoy to beat Bob in week ten, 1,432 – 1,068. For Bob, he did get 346 from A.J. Green, but he couldn’t overcome Cam Newton’s 81 fantasy points.
The history is all above. If that’s all that matters, then Bob wins this in a landslide. But you know what, fuck history? Mr. Castrone has to roll with two Bengals and go three-wide with Dwayne Bowe, who has more games under 100 than Bob would like to discuss. I’m loving Gronkowski against a weak Browns interior, but look for the 49ers to get some revenge against Seattle at home. For Rich, so many decisions to make and everyone knows I hate decisions. In this case, he’s going with the hot hands, Murray over Stacy, Floyd/Cooper over White/Burelson. He also has benched his All-Robio defense (Panthers). However, he’s made the same decisions I would have made and I think both Romo and McCoy can deliver a solid punch of points this week. Fuck history, Calderon gets over his 2-seed hump.
3. WET BREES VS 6. MOLLIPOP SERIES HISTORY: Rob wanted Molly, but maybe he shouldn’t have. She’s 9-4 against Rob all-time in this league, although Rob has taken the last three meetings. In the post-season, these two faced off twice before, way back in 2002 and 2003. In both their first seasons in Robioland, Molly defeated Masterson in the semis, but the following year, he eliminated her in the quarters. THIS SEASON: Thanks to zero points by free agent pick up TE Dallas Clark, Molly lost to Rob back in week five, 1,300 – 1,214. Of course that week’s roster featured seven players that will not be in Molly’s starting roster this week. For Rob, he got a solid performance from Drew Brees (384), Josh Gordon (224) and Steven Hauschka (180).
Rob has ridden Drew Brees all season long and it’s worked. However, as last week showed, if he’s facing a good D, he can struggle. This week he’s back home, but it’s against the Panthers, the third toughest pass defense in football. Worse yet, he’s got two Cleveland receivers (Gordon, Cameron) who could be having a guy named Caleb Hanie throwing them the ball. For Molly, she still has Adrian Peterson, but I’m about bored waiting for Victor Cruz to find his groove. Wright and Streater are serviceable receivers, but that doesn’t sound like a championship combination. However, look for Molly to pull off the upset as Josh McCown will light up the worst pass defense in the league.
4. QUARTER POUNDERS VS. 5. WELCOME 2 FLA, ASSHOLES SERIES HISTORY: These two are tied 6-6, as Colby has taken two straight, after dropping four of five. This is their fourth meeting in the post-season. Griff beat Colby in the 2004 quarters and then again in the 2005 title game. However, Colby finally took care of business in 2010, knocking Griff out of the quarters in 2011. THIS YEAR: Colby swept Griff this season. Back in week two, he won a low scoring affair, 1,196 – 944. Colby got killed by the Eagles D (-4), but his receivers (Marshall/Cobb) scored 570 points combined. Griff got 395 from Manning and another 196 from Spiller, but every other player scored under 100, including -70 from the Bengals D. In the season’s final week, both teams performed better, but Colby still got the win behind a stunning 592 points from Alshon Jeffery. Griff did get 591 points from Peyton Manning, but he got zero points from Jarrett Boykin, thus costing him the game.
Both quarterbacks face off against solid pass defenses (Wilson vs. the 49ers, Manning vs. the Titans), but I’ll always take Manning over any defense. That’s one advantage Griff has over ever team in this league, but slowly this has become more than just a one man team. The Brown’s (Andre and Antonio) are a solid RB/WR combo and both Jones-Drew and Fitzgerald are playing their best ball of the season. For Colby, he’s done a amazing job piecing a team together each week. Seriously, when was the last time he had the same roster back-to-back weeks? The problem is, Jennings may not play due to a concussion, which is kind of big and even though I like the Graham pick up at TE, he’s no Vernon Davis. Colby’s only saving grace is that his Bears’ receiving core is going up against a bad Cowboys (Monday night should be fun), but I just don’t think it’s going to be enough.
FULL PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS WITH MY GUT
I’m actually going to give you two predictions. One is my gut. That’s the first one. The Second one is my math. I have a mathematical system that is too crazy to explain to you simple-minded folks. That’s below.
QUARTERFINALS, MY GUT
#5 Butt Fumbles over #8 Flock of Dudes I’m picking me, but I warn you, do not sleep on Jeff. He has the goods to go deep.
#7 Fart Jokes over #2 The Dick-Taters As much as many fear the Bob (and you should based on his track record), he just lost five in a row for a reason. This season he went 4-1 against non-playoff teams and just 2-6 against playoff games. The last time he beat a playoff team was Jeff back in week five. Rich has to make many decisions and I don’t trust teams that have to make decisions, but I do trust him to win at least one game.
#6 Mollipop over #3 Wet Brees Here’s the reality…if Rob can survive week one, he’s my playoff favorite, but man those first-round match ups are brutal.
#5 Welcome 2 Fla, Assholes over #4 Quarter Pounders It’s tough to beat a team two weeks in a row and three times in a season…just saying.
SEMIFINALS. MY GUT
#1 Butt Fumbles over #6 Mollipop Molly may get lucky against Rob, but she won’t make out with lady luck twice in one post-season.
#3 The Dick-Taters over #5 Welcome 2 Fla, Assholes Unlike the quarterfinals…Calderon makes the wrong decisions.
FINALS, MY GUT
#1 Butt Fumbles over #5 Welcome 2 Fla, Assholes Come on, everyone knows a Coomer can’t beat a Murray in the playoffs.
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