Two questions...can Masterson repeat and is this really a photo of Rob or a girl with painted boobs? I'm going maybe and yes.

Since no one with actual baseball knowledge is willing to give a prediction, this leaves me to do it. Since I’ve never actually seen any of these players play, there is little chance I have any idea of what I’m talking about. Yet, here we are.

Now baseball is a long season. There are too many trades, too many add/drops and too many games played for me to A) give a shit and B) make an actual championship pick here. Instead, this is simply my preseason ranking. Note: These are based on your draft, I ignored any add/drops you’ve done so far.

Enjoy, but ignore.

No. 1 JUGGALOBOOK (NAIDES)

Is this the return of the Naides? Overall, when I masturbate crunch my numbers, I don’t see a single category where I’d put Evan on top, yet here we are and I still have him sitting on top of the pile.

BATS – RANKING: #5 The strength of the lineup is power. He’s got 40-HR Pujols and 35-HR Teixeira. In fact, he has nine different bats who can hit 20+ balls over the fence. I also like the trade that landed him McCutchen. He’s right, it’s a week year for outfielders and he’s a young stud (that’s McCutchen, not Naides). Anyhow, overall Evan should be top-three in both homers and RBIs. He should also put up solid OBP numbers (potentially top four), but he’s middle of the road in BA, Runs and Steals.

ARMS – RANKING: #4 Naides rolls with a nice balance team, with both hitting and pitching sitting in the top five. In fact, I would argue that ERA will be his top category, thanks to young studs, Jered Weaver and Madison Bumgamer. I also wouldn’t be afraid to throw Beachy into that group. Sure he only produced seven wins in 25 starts last year, but that was probably a fluke and he’ll personally help Evan win some K/9 all by himself. At relief, he’s got a couple of 30+ save guys, but who will eventually fill up that flex spot?

No. 2 HALLADAY…CELEBRATE! (MASTERSON)

Hey, look who is back near top. If everyone is expecting the two-time defending champ to just sit back, get fat drinking Coors Lite out of his two championship mugs, don’t count it.

BATS – RANKING: 8th Prior to the draft I predicted that Justin Verlander would fall to Masterson. At the time, Jeff called me an idiot and a Jew hater (although I’m not sure why). Well, I was right, but what I didn’t see was Masterson going back-to-back ace. That’s good news for the pitching, but it certainly doesn’t help the bats.

Once Rob started to land some bats, he did a nice job finding some balance. While he’ll certainly struggle to score runs, and he won’t win the stolen base titles (in fact, I have him 11th in SB), I do expect this lineup to finish top-six in both small ball (BA, OBP) and power (HR and RBIs). He’s going to do this despite the fact he has only one potential .300 hitter (Castro) and one 30-HR guy (Granderson). I think he could get a real boost if Freddie Freeman can jack up his numbers (is .300/30/100 too much to ask for? Maybe) and if Justin Morneau can rediscover his old skills.

ARMS – RANKING: #3 Rob’s pitching staff is anchored by three aces, two of which may be the best in the league. Roy Halladay, Justin Verlander and Davis Price are three of the best pitchers in baseball, although Price does have his struggles, especially in WHIP. With these three alone, I expect Rob to win both QS and W-L and challenge for the ERA title too.

The question is, can Zimmermann and Buchholz be effective 4-5 starters in his rotation? Both have their limitations (Zimmermann: ERA, Buchholz: K’s), but if both can keep their ERAs below four, look out. Coming off the pine in relief, I don’t love Rob’s closer. Both League and Francisco are decent closers, but both will lack opportunities on their respective teams. In fact, I’m predicting Rob to finish 11th in saves this year.

No. 3 MENSTRUAL CRAMPS (CALDERON)

Do we have a classic worst-to-first situation on our hands? Almost. Calderon goes the classic route of dominating one stat, while scarifying another.

BATS – RANKING: #1  To erase the memory of the league’s worst season, plus some topless photos of Burrier he saw on Burrier’s laptop during the draft, Calderon grabbed three straight .300/25+/100-ish guys, starting with Cabrera, Holliday and Hamilton. I love the Eric Hosmer pick, even though he’s stuck in the city called Kansas and don’t be surprised if Alex Avila out-produces the more heralded Carlo Santana at the catching spot. All together I think Rich leads the league in batting averaged and OBP, but don’t confuse the the Cramps with a small ball team. In fact, this is a bottom three team in steals. However, they have pop (potential top-five in home runs) and they should challenge for best RBI producing team.

ARMS – RANKING: #11 Clearly Rich had a strategy and that strategy didn’t involve leading the league in wins. He kept Michael Pineda, but he didn’t draft his first pitcher until the 73rd pick in the draft. He took two total starters in the first 10 rounds. With the exception of WHIP (projected to finish top-five), Calderon arguable has the league’s worst collection of arms. Yes, Pineda will deliver the K’s and Hellickson will probably be the “ace’ of the rotation, but Hudson’s strikeouts, or lack there of, can be a killer and I don’t see Jansen producing enough saves to be an efficient third closer.

No. 4 NIESE DICKEY WRIGHT (PAPPER)

Since Jason doesn’t actually get any emails from this league, fuck him, I’ll keep this short.

BATS – RANKING: #9  Not a terrible lineup, but I just don’t see a lot of stats adding up. I wouldn’t put him in the top four in any category, maybe he can sneak in with runs. Adrian Gonzalez will lead the way, along with Justin Upton. Both are .300/30/100 type guys. Hopefully Lance Berkman won’t start showing his age and maybe Rickie Weeks can stay on the field.

ARMS – RANKING: #1 Prior to doing this I would have predicted that either Masterson or Jeff would have the top pitching staffs, but I like what Jason has put together. I like the Darvish pick (I think he’s going to be good). Add him in with C.C. and Gallardo and Jason is looking at three opening day stars. I suspect Jason will lead the league in WHIP and finish top-four in K/9 and W-L. In relief, he only drafted two real closers, including Craig Kimbrel (who should be one of the best), but I’m not sure it will be enough to make him an elite saves team.

No. 5 DESIGNATED HITTER (KESSLER)

Last year Kessler had nothing but bats, finishing the season with the top hitting team, but with the last-pace pitching team. This season he aimed for balance and the Jew ‘fro nailed it. I got him with the sixth best hitting team and the sixth best pitching team.

BATS – RANKING: #6 This team is built for speed, with Dee Gordon, Peter Bourjos, Shane Victorino, plus 20+ from Carlos Gonzalez. I project the Hitler’s to finish top-four in both BA and stolen bases. Does this mean he sacrificed power? Not really. Gonzalez, Cano and Longoria can all rope it over the fence, as can Brian McCann and Alex Gordon. That’s enough to keep him ranked between #6-8 in power and RBIs. If I smell a weakness, it’s not his cologne, but rather his bats ablility to produce OBP.

ARMS – RANKING: #6

The rotation begins with a decent one-two punch of Dan Haren and Cole Hamels. Chris Carpenter is getting old, but I love the pick in the 12th round. These three alone, along with solid closers like Jose Valverde and John Axford, should give Evan a top-three team in both ERA and WHIP. The big question marks will be, who gives him strike outs? Right now, there is no heat in this rotation and Kessler should finish last in K/9. Second, who holds down the 4-5 spots? I’m not soled on either Worley or Fister.

No. 6 MIDWESTERN SNOWBLOWERS (VOZZOLA)

After years of rolling with on strategy, Lil’ E suddenly makes a change in 2012. The kid always went small ball, sacrificing power for little guys who produce at bats, runs and steals. This time, Eric goes with the “Chicks Love the Long Ball” strategy.

BATS – RANKING: #4| Obviously we knew something was up when Eric grabbed the home run king (Bautista) in the first round.  He was one of four potential 30+ home run guys Eric snagged. This includes an underrated Giancarlo “Don’t Call Me Mike” Stanton, Corey Hart and even David Ortiz…yes, Davis Ortiz. In fact, Eric gave up completely on the small ball routine. On his roster, 13 players are projected to hit at least 17 homers, while only three (two of which are probable starters) will steal double digit bases. The end result? Eric should easily lead the league in homers and RBIs, but he’ll be bottom four in runs scored and certainly dead last in steals.

ARMS – RANKING: #8

Looking at the lineup, I would think this team would be better, but when I crunched those numbers, I only see the 8th best team. Josh Johnson struggles to stay healthy, but if he can stay on the mound, he’s an elite ace. Based on season-ending stats, Zack Greinke could be a second ace. Like Johnson, when healthy, he’s a star. Both Johnson and Greinke can add up the wins and K’s, but players like Johnny Cueto and Trevor Cahill can drag those numbers down. If Bud Norris can get shipped out of Houston, he’d be a solid 5th starter. For now, Eric will roll with just two projected closers, one is solid (Brian Wilson), while the other doesn’t impress me (Matt Caps)

No. 7 LESBIAN MOUNTAIN (MURRAY)

I may be the first person in league history to draft a team just win every week, 6-5. I ignored starting pitching, grabbing bats, then relievers, then finally starters with strikeouts.

BATS – RANKING: #2 My goal was just draft bats, ignoring pitching, no matter who fell to me. Yet, I still didn’t land the top offense in the land. My strength, BA, Runs and Steals. I should challenge for the top spot in all three. I have five potential .300 hitters in my starting lineup with Kemp, Reyes, Sandoval, Young and Prado. I also have three 40-steal guys starting with Reyes, Jennings and Bonifacio. I have only one 30-homer guy (Kemp), but I have enough balance to avoid last in power. Currently I rank my HR and RBI 9th, but if I can get that to 5th or 6th, I will have the best hitting team.

ARMS – RANKING: #9  Obviously when you ignore pitching into the later rounds, you’re pitching is going to suffer, but I think I did manage to avoid the basement. First, I made sure I got closers…three of them. My three closers, if they hold up, should produce over 130 saves this season, enough for second best saves team. However, with the exception of James Shields, I got nothing in my starting rotation. Between Wandy, Morrow, Liriano and Niese, I should easily finish last in ERA, WHIP and Wins. However, the beauty of all those arms is they do produce strikeouts. I foresee a top-three team in K’s.

No. 8 GUNT (DENBO)

For four years in this league, Denbo was arguable the worst team, but last year he cracked the top-two in the regular season and pulled himself out of the basement. Was it a fluke? Am I wearing someone else’s underwear right now? Both important questions.

BATS – RANKING: #3 The Gunts are loaded with power thank to a nice collection of guns. No one is going to lead the majors in homers, but 6-7 starters could pop 20+ homers, led by Joey Votto, Dan Uggla and Mike Napoli. This team should easily compete for most homers and RBIs. The problem is, only Joey Votto is a lock for a .300 batting average. Denbo has five players projected to hit below .280, while only two players will probably score over 100 runs. Also, outside of Ian Kinsler, Austin Jackson and Angel Pagan, no one else can be counted on to steal a ton of bases. I suspect the Gunts to be one of the worst hitting teams in the league, but capable of scoring enough runs thanks to the big bats.

ARMS – RANKING: #10 I like C.J. Wilson in his new digs, but outside of him and Tommy Hanson, no one is blowing me over. Wainwright has show flashes of talent in the past, but he has struggled to stay on the mound. I also believe Matt Cain’s best days are behind. Both should be starters in this league, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t foresee too many teams fearing this starting rotation. In relief, Denbo grabbed just two relievers capable of bringing home saves, but both should be solid this year. Both Papelbon and Marmol can reach 40 saves this year, but more importantly both can strikeout the side, which can help out with K/9 in this league.

No. 9 BRUCE SUTTER’S BEARD (GREENBLATT)

Jeff seems to either earn the top seed or miss the playoffs. That’s his M.O.. There is no middle ground. This year, I’m predicting the latter.

BATS – RANKING: #10 Sorry Jeff, winning just steals ain’t going to do it. This lineup will fail to get on base, hit home runs, knock in RBIs or score many runs. This group features zero potential .300 hitters (Ryan Zimmerman being the nearest thing), but does feature two starters who will never crack .250 (Chris Young and B.J. Upton). How did Jeff not draft Dunn? No BA usually means some power, but Jeff doesn’t have much of that either? Adrian Beltre can hit 30 in a good season, but I only count five starters capable of hitting 20+ over the fence. This all adds up to Jeff finishing botton four in BA, HR and OBP, while he’ll finish dead last in RBIs. The one exception is steals. He should easily lead the league, led by Brett Gardner’s 40+ steals.

ARMS – RANKING: #2 Of course the reason why Jeff has no bats is because he’s stocked at the pitcher position. Clayton Kershaw and Cliff Lee are a lethal one-two punch. The pair will challenge for league leading ERAs and wins, plus both can do damage at strikeouts. Josh Beckett remains injury-prove, but he’s always good for a low three-ish ERA and a winning season. At relief, Jeff nailed down three solid closers, all capable of producing 30-40 saves each. He should easily finish top-three in saves. While I think he’ll challenge for the league lead in ERA, WHIP and W-L, he misses out on first place due to the fact I have no faith in the 4-5 spots in his rotation. Yes, Jeff Garcia isn’t bad, but I have zero faith in Phil Hughes. Can he really regain his 2010 form? Would Jeff really believe in him if he wasn’t wearing pinstripes?

No. 10 BUST HER IN THE POSEY (GUIDI)

Did you know that every time Guidi wins a championship a puppy dies from cancer? True fact. Luckily for all of us, winning championships isn’t Chris’ thing.

BATS – RANKING: #11 Can one lead the league in batting average, but finish dead last in runs scored? Seems unlikely, but that’s the scenerio playing out this year for the Posey’s. Chris is loaded with .300 hitters, lead by Tony Tulowitzki and Hanley Ramirez. He can also count on both Buster Posey and Joe Mauer (who I expect to return to form this year). However, when two of your top hitters are catchers, they tend to not produce runs. Add this in with the simple fact Chris lacks power (only two 30 home run hitters), but is stacked with injured players (Chase Utley and Ryan Howard), then things aren’t going to workout so well. Chris should finish second in BA, third in stolen bases (thanks to Suzuki, Crawford and Crisp), but near the bottom in HR, RBIs and Runs scored.

ARMS – RANKING: #5 This is a bit unusual for Guidi. The man traditional has top-notch lineup, but no arms worth talking about. This year it is reversed. While I wouldn’t call it a dominent rotation, it’s pretty good. Tim Lincecum is the star, but don’t sleep on Matt Latos. I also expect solid stats from Anibal Sanchez down in Miami. These three are a solid 1-2-3. The question is, who will be able to lock down the 4-5 spots? Can someone like Ubaldo or Colon rediscover their old magic or will Chris be relying on a young kid to step up like Trevor Bauer or Hiroki Kuroda? If I had to place a bet though, I’d put my money on Detroit’s Max Scherzer. In relief, Chris did grab three solid closers, but then lost one prior to the season when Soria decided he’d love some Tommy John. This leaves Putz and Perez as his two closers. Both are capable, but the problem is opportunities on losing teams.

No. 11 MITTEN KITTENS (CASTRONE)

Right now, this man owns Robioland Football. He’s a three-time champion, who just won his second straight league title this past season. He’s been on a stunning six-year roll that would impress Boomer Esiason’s penis. Yet, in baseball he’s barely left a stain in this league. I don’t expect that to change in 2012.

BATS – RANKING: #7 Bob decided to load up with big guns. He’s got 70 home runs coming his two first basemen (Fielder and Michael Morse), plus another 7-8 players capable of knocking out 20+ this season. The batting average won’t impress you (only one projected .300 hitter, but his two worst hitters (In terms of BA) are Yankees (A-Rod and Swisher), so there is hope both could overachieve. Steals could be a problem, which is why I was surprised he drafted Michael Bourn. Sure he’ll deliver 50+ steals, but while he and Elisbury will producer close to 90 steals, the rest of his lineup (and this includes his bench players) will be lucky to steal 60 bases. This means he’ll avoid being last in steals, but bot by much. However, look for Bob to finish top-six in homers, RBIs, OBP and Runs scored.

ARMS – RANKING: #12 The irony is, I was actually trying to draft the worst pitching team, but Bob ended up doing it. Congratulations. Outside of Felix Hernandez, not a lot to love here. Matt Garza is Bob’s #2, but he’s a three at best. Colby Lewis can produce a decent WHIP and strike out plenty, but his ERA will hover over four. Between Jhoulys Chacin, John Danks, Jair Jurrijens, Ivan Nova, Chad Billingsley and Brian Matusz, your guess is as good as mine on who will step up and start for this squad. On top of that Bob decided to not draft any real closers and will easily finish dead last in saves.

No. 12 NATURAL GAS (BURRIER)

You know, it just makes me sad to predict the league’s worst team to finish dead last. I mean, who doesn’t want to cheer for an underdog? Yes, it’s Burrier and no one really ever cheers for a Burrier, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have pity.

BATS – RANKING: #12 It’s a hitters league and if you don’t have the bats, you can’t compete. Rich has lined up a group that should finish last in batting average, last in OBP and near the bottom in all other categories except for steals. First, he took Ryan Braun in the first round. That could be costly. Can he really repeat his 2011 numbers drug free and without Fielder protecting him? Outside of Braun, you have a little power (Bruce, Reynolds), but both will struggle to get on base. He’s got two starters (Weeks, Aybar) who will fail to hit double-digit home runs. Ouch. While both can steal some bases, neither can hit for .300. Right now, only Ryan Braun is capable of knocking in 100 and scoring 100 and again, that’s questionable.

ARMS – RANKING: #7 The man wanted a reason to cheer for the Washington Nationals and he got his wish. His two top pitchers are both on D.C.’s team. Both Strasburg and Gonzalez are solid arms, capable of being All-Star quality type pitchers. On a good day, Jon Lester is one of the best pitchers in baseball. On an off day, he’s one of the worst. Outside of that solid threesome, there are question marks. Justin Masterson is sort of the wildcard here. He’s got one year as a starter under his belt. The question is can he become a solid starter in this league? In relief, Burrier only nailed down two closers. In a league where most teams have three, it’s going to be tough to win saves with just two. Overall, I expect Burrier to be top-three in ERA, top-four in K/9, QS and Wins. He’s going to need to produce in WHIP, because saves won’t do him any favorites.