Let me let you in on a little secret…

Adam Jones (aka Rob (sweet 16) Murray) has the best team in the league. Repeat after me: Rob Murray has the best team in the league. ..See, that wasn’t so tough.

Now, from reading his weekly write ups and from seeing his predictions, you’d never think such a thought. But here’s the thing – that’s exactly how he wants it.

So, why would a transparent front runner, a fan of the Cowboys, of Duke basketball, of Miami football (remember, it was the 80s – Miami used to be pretty successful recruiting kids who couldn’t read or write) want to be the underdog?

It’s pretty simple. He’s already played the ‘best team’ card in years past. And it’s bit him in the ass. Hard. (apologies to the Quarter Pounders if Jeff’s boner from reading that last line just poked Colby in the behind)

Simply put, for you Florida folk, Rob has been downplaying his team all year for two reasons – #1- because he can. Although he’s the highest scoring team (by far) and has the best breakdown (by far), head to head he’s been ridiculously unlucky. Since he’s 7-6, he can continue to pretend that his team isn’t very good. #2 – he’s afraid of the backlash. He knows all too well the message board comments that await him if he was “man” enough to claim his team was the best in the league, only to see it falter in the post season. Much like Neatock with his deaf girlfriend in a dark room, Murray is attempting to catch the rest of the league from behind, with it’s pants down.

I’m here to make sure that doesn’t happen.

In between producing shows ready for non-prime time slots, I’ve had some time to look over the playoff teams and their matchups this upcoming week. Here are my thoughts:

MOLLY POP (1) vs THE SWAMP (8)

Let’s set the record straight. Molly Pop is a weak #1 seed. That’s not saying her team isn’t good, but averaging 1300 points a game, hers is the type of team that’s consistent, but not very flashy. Without having the least points scored against by far, she’d be the typical mid-seed. Instead, Murray pretends this is the best team, so that it keep himself from the top slot. The thing is – Murray knows better than anyone that the best teams in fantasy football aren’t always with the best records – but they ARE the teams with the most points scored.

As for the Swamp, let’s state the truth: only 5 teams were really playoff worthy in 2008… and the Swamp fall outside the top 5 by two teams. While capable of the occasional break out game, right now the Swamp remains a team without a true identity or any reliable fire power.

PREDICTION:

Here’s what I like about Molly’s team – Cutler is a point machine, and gets KC this week. I either smell 300 points or Burrier just farted. Forte will get his 100 yards from scrimmage and a score, and she’s playing Arizona D, usually a shaky play, but has them against the Rams. Portis will be limited, but it shouldn’t matter. The Swamp will attempt to hang in there, but will come up short. Romo won’t be able to put up top 5 QB #s vs Pitt, L White might score, but isn’t going to gain yards, and while Steve Smith may get a score and some yards, Fitzgerald is stuck behind Boldin in Arizona.

MOLLY POP: 1320 THE SWAMP: 1280

ROBOT SEX (2) vs GATOR NATION (7)

Next up, it’s Rich Calderon’s first championship quality team versus a first round exit in the making.. yes, Gator Nation. I apologize if I’ve given anything away.

PREDICTION:

Robot Sex doesn’t even seem like a typical Calderon team – it’s old guys aren’t washed up and it’s rookies are actually producing this season. It’s almost as if his strategy has finally paid off after 6 seasons. Drew Brees is having another monster season, and will have no problems putting up points against Atlanta. Steve Slaton has become the RB I hoped Ray Rice would, and has a nice matchup vs Green Bay. Throw in two #1 targets in Calvin Johnson and Dwayne Bowe, and a Giants Defense that always makes plays, and you have the foundation for a solid team. On the other side, Gator Nation is starting one RB- Jones Drew, and three at WR. While Jennings has a good matchup, T.O. and Harrison will probably struggle to produce points (one due to douchebaginess and the other to being very old). McNabb vs the Giants is an accident waiting to happen. Does anyone besides Murray like the Cowboys defense against anyone?

ROBOT SEX: 1420 GATOR NATION: 1175

QUARTER POUNDERS (3) VS THE TURTLEHEADS (6)

My oh my.. Colby took Robioland by storm in 2008! Taking over for Jeff, Colby actually participated in Robio football 2008 and led the Quarter Pounders to a first place finish in the weakest division with the 5th highest point total. And let me be the first to congratulate QP on the record spread (according to Murray, who says it definitely beat his own record spread- whatever that means) in a playoff game vs the Turtleheads. Now, for the Turtleheads, here’s all I have to say- fuck you. Yep. Fuck you. You draft Julius Jones and Roy Williams with your first two picks and yet still back your way into the playoffs. Bitter? Sure, a little… but still – fuck you.

PREDICTION:

The Turtleheads could be up against a bye week, and I’d have trouble picking them to win. They’re going with Edwards at QB who not only usually sucks, but might be out this week due to injury. They’re starting a tandem at RB never seen in fantasy football history – Le’Ron McClain and Leon Washington might get you a nice week here or there, but to start both of them in the playoffs and to expect anything short of disaster is foolish. Coles and Moss at WR would be nice in 2005 but today, Coles seems washed up and Moss gives a good outing once every few weeks. Essentially he needs every player to score big… and it aint going to happen. Colby will ride Lynch, and get some points from LT. His defense (the Colts) has an ideal matchup vs the Bengals. At QB Colby goes for the risky play- Hill from SF might gain some yards vs the Jets defense, but how many TDs will he score? We’ll find out.

QUARTER POUNDERS: 1250 TURTLEHEADS: 930

GREASY ONION BOOTY (4) vs ADAM JONES (5)

Finally, here we are. The game of the week. Some might say, the game of the season. If it were up to me, THIS would be the championship matchup. Alas, these two hung squads (so I’ve heard) meet in round 1. Here’s what I expect…

PREDICTION:

AJ has an awesome play at QB in Kurt Warner. Going against the Rams, he looks poised for a huge day. AJ is also starting two of the hottest (no homo) RBs in football today – Thomas Jones and D’Angelo Williams. Luckily for him, Jones should continue his stellar play against SF, but on the flipside, look for Williams to get stuffed against Tampa Bay. Andre Johnson always puts up #s, and Hixon probably will be a decent #2 WR for AJ, but don’t expect Baltimore’s defense to put up numbers against Washington. While the yardage should be down, Washington doesn’t turn the ball over enough to add up to a 300 point day for the defense.

On GOB’s side, they’ve had the chance to implement the greatest fantasy football strategy ever known to mankind, but have failed.. They limit Warner’s numbers by starting Boldin, but instead of Breston at the 2 WR, GOB is going with DeSean “bob has offered me to every team in the league via trade” Jackson. Personally, I go with the two Arizona WRs and laugh as Warner goes 23-28 for 300 3 TDS, with 17-235-2TD to my WR group.. but that’s just me. At QB, Manning is itching for a breakout, and against what better D than Cinny? His C Johnson/ Jacobs RB combo guarantees points. His weakness?- Green Bay defense. Houston is going to put up yards and points… does Green Bay even put up positive #s? Who knows..this game goes down to the wire.

GOB 1520 ADAM JONES 1495

SEMIFINALS

MOLLY POP (1) VS GOB (4)

GOB takes it, as Molly finally faces a team that scores more than 1150 against her.

ROBOT SEX (2) vs QUARTER POUNDERS (3)

While ‘Quarter Pounders’ works on ‘many levels’, apparently it doesn’t work on the championship level. Robot Sex takes the W, while the only pounding the quarters get involves a metallic dildo.

CHAMPIONSHIP

GOB (4) vs ROBOT SEX (2)

GOB… That’s Greasy Onion Booty, for all ya’ white boyz.