Eric, who always looks like he's posing for a gay porn shoot, has come out of nowhere to be the favorite in 2007.
Before we get started, let’s look at some history:
How were our former champs doing at the halfway point. 1999 – Robio Murray started 4-3…After an average beginning, Robio finish the regular season 7-0 (only perfect 2nd half). 2000 – Robio Murray started 6-1…Robio’s greatest start, but was only average down the stretch at 4-3, earning 2nd seed. 2001 – Jason Carpenter started 5-2…Good start for Jason, but a even better finish at 6-1, taking the top seed. 2002 – Robio Murray started 2-5…This season gives everyone hope. Finished a solid 6-1 and earned the third seed. 2003 – Burrier Bruisers started 4-3…Not overwhelming, but 4-3 was good enough to give him division and 3rd seed. 2004 – Bob Castrone started 4-3…Bob rolled at the end, going 6-1, winning the division and taking the 2nd seed. 2005 – Griff Coomer started 3-4…Griff finished with a 5-1 record. He didn’t win the division, so he got the 4th seed. 2006 – Don Vozzola started 5-2…First champ to have a losing record in second half of season at 2-4, earning the 7th seed.
Forget last year where Don finished 2-4…The basic rule is, if you want to win the title, finish strong. The champs have a combined 40-14 record in the second half of the season.
FIRST-HALF ALL-ROBIO PLAYERS
FIRST TEAM, ALL-PRO QB – Tom Brady (Dave) – No Brainer RB – Ronnie Brown (Eric) – I’m shocked, were you? RB – Adrian Peterson (Matt) – Screw ROY, why not MVP? WR – Randy Moss (Matt) – How does Matt only have two wins? WR – Plaxico Burress (Eric) – Where were these stats last year? TE – Antonio Gates (Rich C) – Shocking. Really, shocking. PK – Kris Brown (Rich B) – Burrier’s second best player DST – Steelers DST (Dave) – Could you call them a sleeper D?
SECOND TEAM, ALL-PRO QB – Tony Romo (Eric) – Will he fall off like last year? RB – L. Tomlinson (Rich B) – His bad game, is still 200+ RB – Brian Westbrook (Matt) – Seriously, only two wins? WR – TJ Housh (Griff) – The lone bright spot on Griff’s team WR – Braylon Edwards (Rob M) – Thank God for Anderson TE – Kellen Winslow (Eric) – The best Hurricane TE? K – Nicholas Folk (JC) – He’s been money this year DST – Patriots DST (Molly) – I shouldn’t be surprised at all
THE ALL-ROOKIE TEAM QB – No rookie QB has started for anyone in fantasy RB – Adrian Peterson (Matt) – Matt was right, rookie of the year RB -Marshawn Lynch (JC) – He’s the 15th best running back WR – Dwayne Bowe (Rich C) – Last time I watch ‘Hard Knocks’ WR – Calvin Johnson (Rich C) – Rich could keep both in ’08 TE – No rookie QB has started for anyone in fantasy PK – Nicholas Folk (JC) – Main reason, Pounders got a win DST There are no rookie defenses
THE ALL-DISAPPOINTMENT TEAM QB – Marc Bulger (Rob M.) – He was a champion last year RB – Larry Johnson (Griff) – Why is Griff 0-6? Oh yeah RB – Shaun Alexander (Eric) – Imagine if Griff had him still too WR – Lee Evans (JC) – Greatest fall from grace ever WR – Mark Clayton (Rich B) – Why does Burrier not cut him? TE – Alge Crumpler (Matt) – He cries more than he catches PK – Jeff Wilkins (Rich C) – Someone actually picked him up? DST – Bears DST (JC) – 21st ranked defense…ouch.
CONTENDERS, BABY!
LOOKS LIKE A CHAMPION, SMELLS LIKE ONE, MUST BE… – ERIC VOZZOLA, THE SWAMP (5-1) SO FAR – Much like Derek Jeter since Birth, everything has just clicked for this team; Romo thinks he’s Manning and Burress has forgotten he’s supposed to be a head case. Most importantly, Ronnie Brown has been the greatest person on the planet since week three; which is pretty amazing considering he’s on a 0-6 team. Since Winslow is a stud as well, has anything gone wrong so far? How about Alexander as the most disappointing player not named Larry Johnson or the fact the Broncos D hasn’t done shit all year? I WAS WRONG – This was supposed to be Shaun Alexander’s bounce back year, but instead he’s bounced backwards (if that was really possible). After breaking 200 fantasy points in week one, he hasn’t come close to counting that high since. Hell, he can’t even break 50 points in the past two weeks. INJURY YOU NEED – How about Boldin going out for the year? Since he’s been out, Fitzgerald’s numbers have doubled. However, the Cards are now starting a local landscaper at QB, so maybe it won’t matter. X-FACTOR – Shaun Alexander…it’s simple, look for the Seahawks to start running him like a $30 whore. If he can produce (and yes, that’s a big ‘if’), Eric could be unstoppable. SECOND HALF RESULTS – Forget that sore feeling of Dave’s foot in your ass. Yes, it must be disappointing to lose a game everyone thought you would win, but trust me, you won’t lose many more. Look for some tough L’s in week eight and/or nine when you have some serious bye-week issues, but you should be able to cruise to ten wins and a division title. BURRIER’S BULL – Forget the fact that eric has been expelled, knocked up some chick and is turning tricks to pay for food (you must be proud don) and you see that the only thing eric has going on in his life is a very strong team. However, eric’s luck could change dramatically during weeks 8 & 9 when his team gets hit hard with bye weeks. Will this be enough to topple him from claiming his first League Championship? I say no but if he makes hasty waiver decisions it could spell his demise. I’m going with track record here- eric becomes his own worst enemy and tanks his team with bad decisions.
PRE-SEASON FAVORITE READY TO LIVE UP TO THE HYPE – ROB MASTERSON, BACKSTREET BOYZ (3-3) SO FAR – Losing both Addai and Harrison, is like having sex without both your nuts, you’re just not going to accomplish what you set out to do. However, you’ve played two games without your big nuts (one to injury, one to a bye-week) and you split those games. For a while you filled that missing piece of your puzzle (second running back) with Jordan, but now his situation in Oakland is up in the air. Your QB and defense were both struggling (especially Bulger), but it appears you’ve plugged the QB hole and the Ravens have righted themselves. Did I almost forget to mention you’ve pulled a all-pro receiver out of your ass and into your starting lineup (Edwards).
I WAS WRONG – Little so far, Addai has made me look so smart (and I guess Masterson too) and the receiving core is elite (when healthy). However, it has been Edwards, not Coles who has filled in as that third-receiver. INJURY YOU NEED – Dominic Rhodes…so far, it’s been Fargas stealing some of the carries away from Jordan, but the Raiders didn’t sign Rhodes to sit on their bench. I can easily see them giving Rhodes the third-down carries or something. When healthy, Lamont Jordan was getting the ball 20+ a game and he has dominated. In fact, he’s still top ten despite injuries and a bye-week. If he can keep getting 20+ touches a game, stud. X-FACTOR – Braylon Edwards…out of all the three year receivers (Brown, Clayton, Jackson), Braylon barely got mentioned, but since Derrick Anderson found his way into the lineup, Edwards has been a top-three receiver. I always said Rob could win the title going three-wide, but I thought it would be Coles. SECOND HALF RESULTS – Rob’s got one more tough week to deal with bye’s (week seven), after that it should be smooth sailing for the Backstreet Boyz. I’m a little worried about Harrison’s health over the long haul and you have to be a little concerned about Steve Smith’s stats now that his QB is 83-year-old Vinny T., but as long as Garrard continues to play ‘good enough’ football, Rob should roll to his first divisional title. BURRIER’S BULL – Rob wears tight shirts like a European. Some speculate that this causes a lack of blood flow to his head. I think he is the benefactor of exceedingly good luck. Injuries will play a factor down the stretch for Mr. Masterson. Harrison and Addai are one hit away from being out for an extended period of time. His D is fair with the Ravens and Garrard has been consistent. I see the Boyz folding like a lawn chair in the next few weeks.
IGNORE THE RECORD, THIS TEAM IS READY TO ROLL – MATT NEATOCK, THE WIDE STANCE (2-4) SO FAR – It seems like Matt has a ton of all-pros, but only two wins to show for it. We all know about the Westbrook-fiasco, but lets not forget, not even Matt saw the stud in Peterson or Moss; they were sitting on the pine in week one. Anyhow, I will have to give props to Matt for nabbing Peterson in the second. Up until now, I always thought it was too soon (especially since I was going to nab him in the third), but I have been proven wrong. He will be rookie of the year. What more can you say about Moss? How many league owners wish they would have taken that trade offer? (I do). On top of those two surprises, Matt also has an elite back in Westbrook, a Redskins DST that is out producing the Bears DST and for now (assuming he can get healthy), the Boldin trade looks like it was a good one. I WAS WRONG – I should have stuck to my original prediction when I had Matt at #7…whoops. I knew Peterson would be good, but not this good. He has been sick. Please tell me who thought Moss was going to be the league’s top receiver? How is Matt not 5-1? INJURY YOU NEED – Chester Taylor to break his collar bone. Seriously, he’s the only thing keeping Peterson from being the league’s top player. Look at his last game. Peterson had 233 total yards. He had touchdowns of (get this) 67, 73 and 35. We’re talking Gail Sayers numbers here. But here’s the kicker; Chester Taylor had more carries; 22-21. X-FACTOR – Jay Cutler…Matt addressed his QB need with a Warner pick up, but God struck him down and he won’t be back soon. I don’t foresee a Tim Rattey pick up solving this problem. It appears Matt is stuck with Cutler for now (barring a trade). You don’t need him to be great, but sitting at 2-4, you can’t afford to lose one of those games where everyone plays great, but your QB lays an egg on you. SECOND HALF RESULTS – This lineup is starting to look down-right scary and if a couple things go Matt’s way, I could easily see him winning a bunch in the second half. Again, QB is a small issue as is Boldin’s health and I also wonder if Moss will keep it up. The last couple games he’s still gotten TD’s, but his catches and yards have fallen off. I’m assuming it’s because teams are starting to focus on him and Brady is going more to Stallworth and Walker. Anyhow, I’ll hold off on paying you your $50, but I can’t see how this team (if healthy) misses the playoffs. BURRIER’S BULL – Matt signed to me the other day how excited he was to have 2 eagles on his team. I said, “Matt stop flopping around like you’re having seizure. I can hear- spit it out!” Then i realized that despite his infatuation with Kevin “one good week” Curtis he’s got a pretty strong team. As much as it pains me, i pick neatock to go deep in the playoffs. Go sign that one to your girlfriend. Friendly advice- don’t take any tips from Pinzone.
UPSET MINDED
TEAM MOST LIKELY TO BE THE HIGHEST SEED TO LOSE – DAVID HIGHTOWER, YANKEE KILLAZ (6-0) SO FAR – Everything has gone right so far, but I don’t know how. You’re the first 6-0 team in league history, but I don’t understand it. How do you score 1,400 with a lineup that started Graham and Rhodes as your backs (Rhodes didn’t even play), a receiving core of Jackson and Stallworth and the Chiefs defense? I just don’t get it. I guess it helps when your starting QB throws for 350+ per game and 4-5 touchdowns. Brady is the new LT. It also helps to have your schedule so a far. If you had Griff’s schedule, you’d be 3-3. I WAS WRONG – About those running backs. I thought they would be the best combo in the league and they’ve been flatter than Bob’s ex-girlfriends tits. Yet, you keep winning. I just don’t get it. INJURY YOU NEED – Sammy Morris….this did happen against Dallas, but it wasn’t that serious. Soon you will get both Jackson and Maroney back, but even when Maroney was playing, too many carries were taken away by Morris (and Faulk too), which is not good when you’re on a team that is passing 87 times a game just for the fun of it. X-FACTOR – Both Running Backs (Jackson and Maroney). You can’t win this league with only one running back, but you certainly will not win it with no running backs. Even when healthy, these two sucked it up. If one can get into a groove, you’ll be okay. If both can re-live 2006, then Dave could run for the border. SECOND HALF RESULTS – I don’t see either running back getting back to elite status and like Burrier has proven in the past, there is only so far you can go with a 500-pt player carrying your team. Dave also has a history of solid starts and horrid finishes. I’m predicting another second half collapse, however, when you start 6-0, there’s only so far you can fall. He’ll win nine and the division, but he’ll be a popular pick for a first-round upset. BURRIER’S BULL – Again- and i think we can all agree that the last good move Hightower pulled off was in Police Academy. This is a team that looks good on paper but will ultimately fail. I don’t know Hightower and I’m assuming he’s a real person even though i have no proof of this but i can tell he is going to have some serious problems in week 10 when his whole team is apparently going on vacation. To survive this league you need to anticipate and prepare for the bye. Bye Bye Hightower- Tell Mahoney hi for me.
TEAM YOU CAN BEAT, BUT HE’LL NEVER LOSE – DON VOZZOLA, GATOR NATION (3-3) I WAS RIGHT – Every year there is a team that is just consistent. Gator Nation is that team this year. He’s scored between 1,100 to 1,600 in every game; nothing too amazing, but nothing really bad. McGahee always scores at least 150 fantasy points, but Portis can’t rush for more than 100 yards. Owens looks great some games and disappears in others; same goes for Hasselback and the Eagles defense. None of these players would make the fantasy all-pro team, but I wouldn’t bench any of them. I WAS WRONG – Willis McGahee (sort of). No, he hasn’t put up amazing numbers, but he’s about 170ppg, which in this season, is pretty damn good when you compare him to the likes of LT, Alexander, Jackson, Maroney, etc. INJURY YOU NEED – LaDell Betts…Clinton simple just isn’t getting enough carries to produce a big game. He’s failed to break 100 fantasy points in the last two weeks. He needs to get about 5-10 more carries a game. X-FACTOR – Greg Jennings…since coming back from injury, he has become Favre’s favorite target and is out producing Driver. If he can continue this, then 2nd receiver won’t be a problem for Donnie. SECOND HALF RESULTS – I keep looking at this team and all I see is a non-playoff team, but I can’t ignore the numbers and I’ll have to find a way to dig deep and say, I’m not always right. BURRIER’S BULL – Donnie football is an average team that is overachieving. I have to agree with the commish – there is no player in this lineup that has me shaking but the combination takes this team to another level. Other than struggling during week 8 when byes will hurt him- i see this team going through the first round of the playoffs before crumbling.
GETTING HEALTHY, THUS GETTING BETTER – BOB CASTRONE, THE CAUCASIANS (3-3) SO FAR – I can’t recall any team losing so many starters so early in a season; Jacobs, Johnson, Davis, Ward…all starters, all out for multiple games. Wow, how the hell did he manage to win three games so far? The good news is Bob gets them all back, plus he had one injury go his way in Deuce McAllister. The solid rock that Bob has had, has been the one and only Peyton Manning, who again is one of the top players in the league. I WAS WRONG – I said if I was him, I would have kept Benson in the 5th and not Bush in the first. At first they both sucked, but now that Bush is getting 20 carries game, it appears I will be wrong…by a lot. INJURY YOU NEED – He’s already had it happen, when Deuce went down for the second time in three years. For now, it wouldn’t hurt him if Droughns went down for the Giants. Jacobs doesn’t need to share the load with three guys, especially Droughns, who is stealing the goal line carries. X-FACTOR – Hines Ward….even when he was playing, he wasn’t helping. In three starts he had nine catches for a pathetic 109 yards and a touchdown. Bob could get those numbers from any of the Titans receivers. SECOND HALF RESULTS – I’m a little excited for this team. No, my dicks not hard, but it’s twitching. When you have Manning, you don’t need domination in your backfield, but Jacobs and Bush might be able to manage 400-450 points per game. Add in Andre Johnson, who should be able to jump right back into his groove once he’s back from injury (maybe this week). Bob will need to find a defense though, as the Fins D has gotten progressively worse as the season has gone on. He won’t be able to wrestle the division away from Masterson, but maybe he could fight off Matt for second. Look for a decent second half and a playoff birth. BURRIER’S BULL – Bobby C is a funny guy so it’s no surprise that his team is laughable. Peyton Manning is a decent leader for your team but after that you have me scratching my head. Reggie Bush has been underachieving, Brandon Jacobs is injury prone and splits time with the million backs on the Giants. I didn’t realize Derrick Mason was still in the NFL- who knew. Seriously, I’m in tears laughing so hard at this team. Well played Bobby
THE PRETENDERS
CONSISTENTLY INCONSISTENT – MOLLY COOMER, MOLLY POP (3-3) SO FAR – I wrote in my preseason predictions that Molly’s team is probably the team “I’m most underestimating”. I was wrong. She has not lived up to my billing. Worse yet, while other teams have struggled due to injuries, Molly hasn’t had that problem (only losing Javon Walker for a few weeks). Molly was supposed to be a contender with a great QB and a solid backfield. Only the Edge has lived up to it, while Palmer just throws interceptions, Frank Gore averages only 150ppg; this from a guy drafted third in many mock drafts. At receiver, Colston and Walker were supposed to be #1 guys, but the numbers don’t add up. On the positive side, she has one of the league’s best D’s (Patriots) and Dallas Clark is the best tight end not named Gates. I WAS WRONG – Frank Gore was supposed to be a dominating force, but so far he’s only broken 200 one time. I don’t feel too bad for missing this one, most people missed the boat on this one. INJURY YOU NEED – You could go for a Hines Ward broken leg. Santonio Holmes has looked pretty good with Hines sitting on his ass. As long as Ward is out, Holmes is Big Ben’s favorite target. X-FACTOR – Javon Walker…Molly will live even if Gore does dominate, because James has produced more than he was expected to. However, you won’t win a title without a top-fifteen receiver and Molly has none right now (Holmes is 26th, but he can thank his one 360-pt game). Walker was a stud last year and he needs to be again soon. SECOND HALF RESULTS – Molly still has good team; 6th in the league in scoring, and she certainly has the talent to win three games in a row (if she makes the playoffs), but until Gore, Walker or Colston breaks free from their ruts, I don’t see it happening. With no QB in SF, Gore will face 8-man lines and the two receivers will struggle as their teams struggle. She make the playoffs, but Molly will do what she does a lot lately…fall out after round one. BURRIER’S BULL – Molly, show me your tats!
PLAYOFF BOUND, BUT WON’T SNIFF THE TITLE – RICHARD BURRIER, BURRIER BRUISERS (3-3) SO FAR – It’s been all about waiting…waiting for Tomlinson to kick it into gear. With this squad, he has no other choice. At QB, he had the league’s most disappointing player in Brees, but he gave up on him for another struggling QB (Rivers). Rich also traded away the future (Lynch) for a Cadillac that broke down. However, Bruisers haven’t bruised anybody up yet, simply because they have one of the league’s all-time worst receiving corps…add in a no-name tight end and sometimes I wonder how Burrier doesn’t look at his roster and cry. I WAS WRONG – I thought Marshawn Lynch was going to be rookie of the year, but he’s not. Peterson could not play another down this year and still get the award. Lynch has been good (and he’ll probably get better), to bad he’s not playing on Burrier’s team anymore. INJURY YOU NEED – This one is no-brainer, Rich needs Julius Jones to go down for good. Barber puts up solid numbers for a backup, but he’s doing it differently. Last year, Barber played on series per half, plus third-downs and goal line, with all his points coming from TD’s. This year, Barber plays more series, he plays one to every two of Jones’, but Wade doesn’t put him in for goal line. If Jones starts the drive, he finishes it. X-FACTOR – LT…it’s hard to believe that LT is the X-factor (usually the star player isn’t), but with this squad, Rich needs LT to be LT, scoring 400-500 points per game. He may get a good game every now and then from Barber, Rivers and maybe a receiver, but he won’t win with LT scoring under 250…Rich is 2-0 when LT breaks the 250 mark, 1-3 when he doesn’t. SECOND HALF RESULTS – After last week’s four-TD ambush against the Raiders, it appears Tomlinson has got his groove back, but does that mean Burrier is about to make his typical second half run? Not quite, because this is simply the worst team Burrier has had in long time (maybe even ever). Take away LT and put in Brandon Jacobs and Rich wins three games for the whole season. However, he does have LT who will make us all proud and that’s good enough for four more wins and a lower seed. BURRIER’S BULL – The team to fear. The Bruisers historically start slow and then pour it on. Yes, i may be the Joe Torre of the league- leading my team to first round eliminations the past few years but this is a collection of players who have a chip on their shoulders and ready to stomp on every team till the championship. My team has a good distribution of bye weeks so i cant really say my team will be weak at any given point. You can send me my victory money (and trophy) now.
TEAM MOST LIKELY TO EXPERIENCE A REALITY CHECK – RICH CALDERON, ISLAMOFACISTS (4-2) SO FAR – Rich has won four games, despite a rotation of running backs, receivers and quarterbacks. Usually a ton of movement on a roster is the nail in the coffin for most people, but Calderon is a smart man and he’s made just about all the right moves. Like so many people, Rich has gotten little help from his #1 pick. Rudi’s been hurt most of the first half and it didn’t help when McAllister kissed the season good bye. Foster has showed signs he could replace the Deuce, but he has not shown that he can carry the fantasy load. At QB, Rivers was bad, but unlike most teams who wait for improvement, Rich pulled him out, replacing him with Favre, Campbell and now Brees. Rich has been at his best at the receiving spot, especially when you include wideout (I mean tight end) Antonio Gates. I WAS WRONG – The receiving core has been better than advertised. Holt has not struggled (while every other Ram has) and before getting hurt, Charles Johnson looked like a decent #2. As for Gates, he’d be the top receiver on at lot of other teams. Even when Johnson got hurt (and Jackson cut), Rich picked up two sleeper receivers in Crayton and Bowie. Both have filled in nicely. INJURY YOU NEED – DeAngelo Williams needs to go down and go down hard. Foster is getting about 15 touches per week, in a league where you need him to get 20 or more. X-FACTOR – Second Running Back, no matter who it is. Kevin Jones is now the starter, but come on, that can’t be exciting, can it? This is the Lions who run the ball like 12 times again. If Martz remembers the running game, then Jones could end up being a solid #2. SECOND HALF RESULTS – A lot of if’s and a lot of maybe’s, too many need to pan out for Rich to continue his success. Brees looked good last week, but I’m expecting some flip-flopping in the second half. Neither Foster or Jones will be reliable and Rudi can’t carry a team by himself. Rich probably only needs three wins to make the playoffs…he won’t get it. He’ll win six and lose out on the total point tiebreaker…all punishment for selling your soul to the fantasy gods in 2003, when you went from 1-6 to beating me in the playoffs as an eight seed. Serves you right. BURRIER’S BULL – Rich thought acquiring Drew Brees would change his fortunes. Right. He also has made some absurd trade offers but still cant come close to the shit the QP’s have tried (more on that later). There’s enough question marks on this team that make me wary of his playoff chances. Kevin Jones? Brian Leonard? Tory Holt? Calderon misses the playoffs and watches who the Big Boys play the game. better luck next year- and it wouldn’t surprise me to see rich tank his team in the last few weeks to get next years 1st pick.
AND WITH THE FIRST PICK IN ’08…
TEAM MOST OVERRATED AND OVERHYPED (BY ME) – ROBIO MURRAY, BIG SHIRTLESS ROB (3-3) SO FAR – It’s been a strange season so far. I scored 1,500 in two of my first three, but then go three straight without breaking 1,000. How weird has it been? I’ve been the favorite (according to the guru) three times…and I’ve lost all three. I’ve been the underdog in three games…and I’ve won all three. First, the struggles begin at QB, where Vince Young has forgotten how to scramble. He only has 139 yards so far, which is a problem since I didn’t keep him for his passing skills. My backs have looked good (to a point); Henry was the leading rusher for the first four weeks and Parker is one of only four backs who averages over 100 yards per game, but the problem is, neither can sniff the end zone. They each have one TD. I WAS WRONG – The vaunted receiving core….Oh, it’s been good some weeks and Johnson has been fine, but Driver has not been Favre’s favorite target and Shockey vanishes for too many long stretches during a game. INJURY I NEED – Greg Jennings needs to re-discover the IR. Driver was the Packers best receiver, but as soon as Jennings came back, Driver’s numbers have dipped. X-FACTOR – Henry/Young…With Henry getting high and facing a year long suspension, the last thing I need is for this to drag out. Most likely, the old ball coach is going to try to get Young involved (anticipating a Henry suspension). I need Henry getting the full load. SECOND HALF RESULTS – I want to say this three week fallout is a fluke; just a few bad match ups and some bye-weeks, but I can’t ignore the fact the team just doesn’t look good. Add in the fact that my next four opponents are a combined 18-6 (I don’t face Griff this year) and it looks even worse. Although Garcia will be a step up from Young, he’s not a stud. Henry will be suspended eventually and I will be forced to roll with rookie on a shitty team. I have the highest paid starting lineup in the league, I’m not counting on them living up to their price. I’ll miss the post-season for only the second time in nine years. BURRIER’S BULL – Get the duct tape cause this team is patchwork. Who was available on the waivers the first two weeks? Stop by Robio’s lineup and you’ll find out. I can’t believe this team is even fielded. How exactly are you a Cowboys fan if you’re from FL? Don, thoughts on this?
THREE WINS WOULD SALVAGE THE SEASON – GRIFF COOMER, NASTY BOYZ KENNELS (0-6) SO FAR – Every year there’s a team filled with busts. This year, we have a bucket full of them, but only Griff has two REALLY BIG ones. However, we should have seen it coming; everyone was warning us about Johnson and Benson. Despite the zero wins though, it hasn’t all been bad. Schaub has been decent and the Housh/Wayne/Witten trio has been one of the league’s best. However, this is a head-to-head football league and sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good. Griff has not been lucky. If he had my schedule, he’s be 4-2. Welcome to my world the past three years, Coomer. I WAS WRONG – I thought Cedric Benson was destined to be a good back. I thought he would get about 1,200-1,300 yards. Right now, it would take him two full seasons to get that. Ouch. INJURY YOU NEED – The injury you needed, has already happen. When Caddy went down (followed by Pittman), Tampa Bay went out an got Michael Bennett. He’ll get every opportunity to succeed. Don’t get too excite though, he’s only averaging 2.8 so far this season in KC. X-FACTOR – Larry Johnson…if LJ was the LJ of last year, Griff could pull a Burrier and ride one player to the playoffs, but Johnson has looked worse than Benson. Last week he finally had a great game. Is it a fluke or is it a re-birth? We’ll see. SECOND HALF RESULTS – Even if LJ rumbles down the stretch, sadly it will be too little, too late for Griff. Going from 0-6 to the playoffs, isn’t impossible, it will be tough. In Calderon went from 1-6 to the playoffs and in 2004, Molly started off 0-5, but rallied to win six of her last eight. She ended up missing the playoffs due to total point tiebreakers. However, those both were in a 14-game schedule. Griff would need to probably win six of seven, just to have a shot. Look for LJ to produce more and his receivers will remain solid, but he won’t be able to fill that hole at #2 RB and he won’t win more than three games. BURRIER’S BULL – If you’re only real threat is Houshamandsadofyadifuaosdf and Witten then you’re staring at a top 3 pick in next years draft. I admire Griff because he likes dog fighting but as an owner his team needs some serious help. I see no hope for this doomed squad. you should hang your head in shame for wasting our time playing you.
FLOP FLOP, FIZZ, FIZZ, OH WHAT A RELIEF LT (WILL BE IN ’08) – JEFF/COLBY, THE QUARTER POUNDERS (1-5) SO FAR – Man, Christian Slater’s career didn’t fall this hard. Last year, Jeff and Colby we’re riding high at 9-2, living a care free life on a nine-game winning streak…but then the wheels fell off the bus. They lost their last two games, followed by a first-round bye-bye. This year, they busted out of the gate like Christopher Reeves and since that glorious 9-2, they’ve gone 1-8 since. QB has been strong (although the better one always seems to be stuck on his bench that week), Colby has been forced to rotate in and out a handful of average backs; Jones, Lynch, Williams, Morris and Lewis (where’s Tiki when you need him). The receiving core looked decent enough draft day, but Branch and Evans have fallen flat on their asses (especially Evans. Fuck 40ppg, what the hell?). Have the Pounders started the same lineup in back-to-back weeks? I WAS WRONG – I thought Lee Evans was about to become a top-five back and now you couldn’t pay be $100 to put him on my roster now. A year after catching 82 balls for nearly 1,300 yards, he has 12, count ’em, 12 catches for 113 yards. INJURY YOU NEED – I was going to say Laurence Maroney, but that’s already happened and Morris looked great. However, Morris will be out for some time, so never mind. X-FACTOR – Thomas Jones had a great game (despite the Jets crashing again), maybe he becomes Ronnie Brown, great back on a shitty team. SECOND HALF RESULTS – This might just get ugly. Maybe not David ’06 ugly (1-12), but look on the bright side. If the Pounders can finish last, his starting backfield could be Tomlinson and Lynch in ’08 (Warning: There are no throwing games in Robioland. I check every lineup). BURRIER’S BULL – Colby Greenblatt has offered trade after trade to everyone. Freaking out weekly. I think we can all safely sit around and compare absurd trade offers from the QP’s. To their credit they made some interesting moves- but that’s the law of averages- make enough offers and one of them is bound to be accepted. i still don’t think Colby is a real person. Sort of like Hightower. And i know this isn’t a real team. Who’s going to be your first pick next year?
PREDICTIONS: SECOND HALF RESULTS
MANHATTAN DIVISION BACKSTREET BOYZ – I said 8-5 and a division winner and I’m sticking with it. (2nd Seed) THE WIDE STANCE – I said 3-10 and last place, but what I meant to say was 7-6 and a very dangerous 6th seed. (6th Seed) THE CAUCASIANS – I said 7-6, but his players are not fully back yet. 6-7 is more like it, sliding into a bottom seed. (7th Seed) BIG SHIRTLESS ROB – I said 7-6 and playoffs, but too many players not living up to potential, 5-8 and no playoffs (No Playoffs)
BROOKLYN DIVISION THE SWAMP – I Said 7-6, but I underestimated the college kid. Look for 10 wins and a top seed. (1st Seed) GATOR NATION – I said 4-9, but his boys will continue to be just good enough and hand him an 8-5 record. (4th Seed) MOLLY POP -I said 8-5, but inconsistent teams finish with six or seven wins. She’ll get seven. (5th Seed) QUARTER POUNDERS – I said 6-7, but he’ll lose to Griff in two weeks, thus earning the eventual worst record 2-11 (No Playoffs)
JERSEY DIVISION YANKEE KILLAZ – I said 7-6 and Dave will collapse in the 2nd half, but will still go 8-5. (3rd Seed) BURRIER BRUISERS – I said 6-7, but 7-6 will be the results. However, going 0-2 against Dave will cost Rich the division. (8th Seed) ISLAMOFACISTS – I said 6-7 and I was dead right. He’ll get six, but will miss the playoff party. (No Playoffs) NASTY BOYZ KENNELS – I said 7-6 and I won’t be close. He’ll win three in the second half, 3-10. (No Playoffs)
PLAYOFFS
QUARTER FINALS #1 The Swamp over #8 Burrier Bruisers #6 The Wide Stance over #1 The Swamp #2 Backstreet Boyz over #6 The Wide Stance #6 The Wide Stance over #3 Yankee Killaz
RECAP: A top seed always goes down, but it won’t be Eric at #1 — But Matt will take down Dave, earning his first playoff win — Rob and Bob are solid in Rd one, but only one can win — Don makes it four straight playoff wins Top seeds never seem to find a way to the title game; two magic rides (Matt/Eric), one has to end — Don will be no match for a healthy Masterson. I said Masterson would win the title in the beginning and nothing has changed my mind. The only difference, he’ll be a second seed, instead of a second seed.
2008 DRAFT – FIRST ROUND
1. Jeff & Colby – L. Tomlinson, RB – SD Lil’ Ronnie looks like a star, but LT’s got at least three more solid years in him.
2. Griff Coomer – Ronnie Brown, RB – MIA His team sucks, but he doesn’t. Of all the great backs, he’s the youngest not named Adrian Peterson.
3. Rich Calderon – Brian Westbrook, RB – PHI Finally, Rich lands an elite back, something he’s lacked the last few years
4. Robio Murray – Darren McFadden, RB – Rookie I still got Parker in the second, but Henry won’t be reliable. McFadden could be ’08’s Peterson.
5. Rich Burrier – Marion Barber, RB – DAL No more LT, but Burrier will be ale to appreciate how good Barber could be now that Julius Jones is gone.
6. Bob Castrone – Reggie Bush, RB – NO KEEPER – Reggie’s final season with Bob. He should be ready to be a star by year three.
7. Molly Coomer – Frank Gore, RB – SF She can’t keep him anymore, but he should fall to this point in the draft However, if his numbers improve, he could go higher.
8. David Hightower – Steven Jackson, RB – STL KEEPER – Time will tell if he’s worth keeping, but for now, I have to assume he will.
9. Don Vozzola – Willie McGahee, RB – BAL Like Molly, he can’t keep McGahee, but why not draft him again. Feels like he’s been here forever, but he’s still young.
10. Eric Vozzola – Shaun Alexander, RB – MIA I don’t think Eric keeps him, so if he’s not taken here, can he really fall to the second round?
11. Matt Neatock – Tom Brady, QB – NE Matt has Peterson in round two and Jones-Drew should be a guarantee starter in ’08, so go ahead and grab 2007’s league MVP.
12. Rob Masterson – Larry Johnson, RB – KC If the Chiefs go out and find a couple offensive lineup, he’s still young, he could be a steal in ’08.
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