WEEK ONE
Rick Cubs (1421) at Dons Gators (1623) David the Patriots (546) at Eric’s Dolphins (1159) Molly Pop (1193) at Griff Stoners (1293) Brian Seminoles (1295) at Jimmy Alcoholics (1379) Robio Hurricanes (1358) at Richy Rich (1330) Blackouts (1284) at Jets, Jets, Jets (1562)
TUESDAY’S THOUGHTS
Jimmy: This could be the start of something beautiful. There’s a lot of talent on this team.
Brian: Oh Plaxico, oh Plaxico. All he needed was about 50 yards and he couldn’t even do that.
Don: So this means you’ll be scoring around 600 points next week, right?
Rick: You know, I pick you to win the championship, and this is how you repay me. I picked Griff last year and see what happened to him.
Griff: The Fantasy Football Champion…in your house of course.
Molly: The second best fantasy owner in your house.
Eric: Gee, I didn’t realize I was giving you a bye-week that first week. Now you find yourself over .500 for the first time EVER.
David: Man, will the worst football player on this team please stand up (Robinson, James, Bucs Defense, etc.).
Justin: So let me guess, that championship run begins next week, right?
Masterson: Has Anthony Becht scored 144 points…in his career.
Rich: You kept it close my brother. If you played an actual kicker that was in the league you might have won the game.
Robio: My first novel, “The Great Escape” written by Robio Murray.
WEEK TWO
Jets, Jets, Jets (1023) at Richy Rich (1234) Blackouts (1696) at Robio Hurricanes (731) Jimmy Alcoholics (1299) at Griff Stoners (1495) Brian Seminoles (891) at Molly Pop (1698) Eric’s Dolphins (961) at Dons Gators (1327) David the Patriots (2144) at Rick Cubs (1159)
TUESDAY’S THOUGHTS Molly: Voodoo will get you nowhere.
David: Move out of Florida and you score the third highest game of all-time, nice job, pop.
Rick: Dating back to last year, that’s seven loses in eight games. Quickly, approaching “Tim” level.
Don: 3-0 against your son. 4-9 against everyone else.
Eric: 0-3 against your Dad. 6-7 against everyone else.
Griff: If only the Chargers could play the Texans each and every week.
Jimmy: Hey Jimmy at .500, what a surprise.
Brian: First 0-2 start in Fantasy History. Is this the crumbling of a Dynasty?
Rich: Maybe you do belong with the big boys.
Masterson: Losing to a guy with no kicker, shame on you.
Justin: Hey, you’re first in the division. You’re also last like the rest of us.
Robio: Hey, look on the brightside, I’ve never started 2-0 ever.
WEEK THREE
Rick Cubs (644) at Eric’s Dolphins (1062) Dons Gators (1208) at David the Patriots (1047) Molly Pop (1348) at Jimmy Alcoholics (929) Griff Stoners (1399) at Brian Seminoles (1208) Robio Hurricanes (1537) at Jets, Jets, Jets (1460) Richy Rich (1673) at Blackouts (1502)
TUESDAY’S THOUGHTS
Rick: Look on the bright side, this is the bye-week situation for your next five opponents: Molly loses 3 starters, Brian loses 4 starters, Robio loses 2 starters, Blackout losses 1 starter, and Griff loses 3 starters.
Molly: As you already know, you will lose three starters next week against Rick. Look on the happy side though; Rick loses four starters next week.
Don: Great start, but next week will be your biggest challenge…oh wait, you’re playing 0-3 Brian. Never mind.
Eric: Okay Eric, we know you can win, but let’s see if you can win two in a row. You’ve only done it once in your career.
David: Well, at least you beat Rick, meaning you’re not the worst in your division.
Jimmy: Well, at least you beat Brian, meaning you’re not the worst in your division.
Brian: Dating back to last year, that’s four loses in a row. You’ve never lost five in a row before. Don’t be too sad though, there’s only eleven weeks left to go this season.
Griff: Maybe last season was a fluke. With the 3-0 start, you’re 12-9 lifetime in divisional games. Keep in mind though, you are only 13-11 in non-divisional games for your career, including 1-2 in week four.
Rich: Everyone, and I mean everyone laughed at you for drafting Tom Brady in the second round. Clique #1: Look who’s laughing now, baby. Can you say “Tied for 1st place?”
Justin: Best 1-2 team in the league. Clique #2: It ain’t over until the fat lady sings. I’m sorry, I promised to leave your girlfriend out of this.
Masterson: Lost a couple close ones. Clique #3: This is your brain…this is your brain on drugs. You’ll know for sure since your next four are against the Stoners, starting with 3-0 Griff next week.
Robio: In terms of the current teams in the league I have an impressive 23-8 record in my career against them. However, I am only 8-6 against my next three opponents (Dave, Don, Rick). Just so you know, my two other loses are against Griff ’01 & Blackouts ’02.
WEEK FOUR
Rick Cubs (692) at Molly Pop (969) Dons Gators (622) at Brian Seminoles (1285) David the Patriots (1462) at Robio Hurricanes (914) Eric’s Dolphins (1307) at Blackouts (1320) Griff Stoners (1242) at Jets, Jets, Jets (1391) Jimmy Alcoholics (1012) at Richy Rich (1355)
TUESDAY’S THOUGHTS
Justin: You know Fred Taylor is making a lot of people look stupid for not drafting him. Just so you know, the Blackouts are averaging 1,451ppg. That’s currently the fourth best ‘per game’ average in league history.
Eric: So, I guess McMichael wasn’t the second coming of Christ after all. But if you want one reason why Eric is only 2-2, look at the defense, between the Packers and the Patriots, Eric’s defense has only averaged 37ppg
Masterson: You have five players who are in the top-five in points for their respected positions. Not bad for a white boy.
Griff: Despite the loss, Griff has scored 1,000 points for tenth straight games; the longest active streak in the league. However, he’ll need to continue this for the remainder of the season to have the record. Rick has the record at 19-straight games.
Molly: Hell of a maneuvering job this week putting that staff together. Do you want to be my General Manager next season?
Rick: There’s good news and bad news. With one more lost, you tie the record for the worst start in league history (0-5, Tim ’99), and you’ll be tied for the second longest losing streak of all time (7, Chris ’99). On the bright side, I started 0-4 last season, but managed to win 9 out of the last 10 to win the division, so there is hope.
Rich: Tom Brady and the Eagles defense are averaging a combined 708ppg. You won’t lose another game with that average. How many games did I predict you to win? Let’s not talk about it.
Jimmy: Back-to-back games below 1,000 points. Hey, you’re still better than Brian…oh wait, no you’re not.
Don: Tough luck for the old man; loses his 1st round pick last year (Fred Taylor), and his 1st round pick this year for 8-10 weeks (Kurt Warner). Look on your happy side, you won’t miss much with Warner being gone, considering Quincy Morgan, Ike Hilliard, and Curtis Conway all have more points.
Brian: Shaun Alexander’s 708 points was 12 points short of the one-game record held by Jimmy Smith’s 720 points in ‘00. Guess whose team Smith was on that year? Brian’s
David: 998 points from Drew Bledsoe and Tampa Bay’s defense. That might win you a few games, bastard.
Robio: 1,358 one week, 731 the next; 1,537 after that, followed by 979; I wish I would make up my mind.
WEEK FIVE
Jets, Jets, Jets (1153) at Jimmy Alcoholics (1280) Richy Rich (660) at Molly Pop (1436) Griff Stoners (837) at Eric’s Dolphins (1583) Blackouts (1400) at David the Patriots (1711) Robio Hurricanes (1772) at Dons Gators (1818) Brian Seminoles (614) at Rick Cubs (1636)
TUESDAY’S THOUGHTS
Robio: I said that the high score of the week would come in this game. However, I picked the wrong person. My opponents have scored an average of 1,553 points a game. At this rate I will give up nearly 22,000 points this season, shattering Griff’s record of 18,997.
Don: Congratulations, you’re the winner of the fourth highest scoring game ever (3,590 points). The record is 3,778 (Robio 2,324 Chris 1,454 in ’00)
Masterson: The top-three point getters in the league all lost this weekend. Yes, this team was one of them.
Jimmy: Call this your ‘lucky’ game. We all get them. Now go out there and win two in a row, something you haven’t done since week thirteen of last season.
Rich: Welcome back to earth, my man. How did that reality bite feel? Don’t feel sad though, your whole division went 0-4, so you still got 1st place all by yourself.
Molly: Who’s the only person with red hair in the league? Who has more tattoos than anyone in the league? Who’s the only person to give birth to a child in this league? Who’s the only person that’s seen Griff naked and liked it? Who currently has the best record in the Stoner Division? If you said Molly, you are correct.
Griff: Ugh. How many points did your running backs combine for? 36? Ugh. After all that bragging I did about the longest active 1,000 points in a game streak you throw it all away. Thanks, Griff.
Eric: Okay, you’re back over .500, but for crying out loud, please do two things for me next week. Win two games in a row and try, please try to score 1,500 for once.
Justin: Yeah, you’re 2-3, but you’re dominating in points scored for the season. Also, guess who has the longest streak of at least 1,000 points in a game? That’s right, Blackouts (5).
David: Second in the league in scoring. But we shouldn’t be too surprised though. In the last three/plus years Dave’s points have improved each year (’99 – 1,055, ’00 – 1,089, ’01 – 1,238 ’02 – 1,382)
Brain: Another loss drops you to 1-4, three games behind Molly for the division. Only one team (Robio ’01) has ever made up a three-game deficit to win the division. More bad news, only one team (Also Robio ’01) has ever started 1-4 and made it to the playoffs.
Rick: Your team finally plays like I said it would all season. A victory over me next week will go a long way to turning this ship around. Your 954-point margin of victory is the eighth largest in league history.
WEEK SIX
Rick Cubs (1491) at Robio Hurricanes (1389) Dons Gators (964) at Blackouts (1292) David the Patriots (1259) at Griff Stoners (1079) Eric’s Dolphins (856) at Jimmy Alcoholics (1187) Molly Pop (1291) at Jets, Jets, Jets (1395) Brian Seminoles (1369) at Richy Rich (1393)
TUESDAY’S THOUGHTS
FUN FACTS: If the playoffs started today, four teams would be out of the playoffs; Brian, Rob, Rick, Eric (Eric is tied with others at 3-3, but loses out due to point total. In the end though, head-to-head will be the #1 factor) Anyhow, in the past two years, of the eight teams that were not in the playoffs after week six, only two (Dave ’00 & Robio ’01) have ever been able to turn it around and get into the playoffs.
RICK: It’s about time you started playing like I said you would. To be the best, you’re going to have to outscore the highest scoring team in the league next week, Blackouts.
ROBIO: 2nd highest point total last week = Lose. 3rd Highest point total this week = Lose. My opponent has had the high score for the week four out of the six weeks. At least I’m 19-3 in breakdown the past two weeks. Too bad I’m 0-2 where it matters.
DON: Suddenly looking a bit average after 3-0 start, going 1-2 since.
GRIFF: Suddenly looking bad after 3-0 start, suddenly going 0-3 since. Maybe you found a stud at running back in Alstott.
JUSTIN: Good week to have your worst week, but that point lead is shirking fast. Who cares as long as you’re winning.
DAVID: Has anyone team ever relied on two players so much (Bledsoe & Buccaneers).
ERIC: For Christ sake Eric, just win two in a row once in your life. Just once!
JIMMY: It wasn’t pretty, but it was a win. Fun fact: The two teams I projected to end up in the championship game are 4-0 the past two weeks. Of course, they’re still only 5-6 for the season. Oh well.
MOLLY: Just like the (Sorry)Noles, true champions know how to pull off the close ones, but you still go sole possession of first place in your division…and that’s all that matters.
MASTERSON: Congratulations, the four-point victory over Molly makes you the winner of the third closes game in league history
BRIAN: So close, yet so far. With Rick’s victory this weekend, you are officially the worst team in the league.
RICH: Nice rebound, Grizzly Adams. I think you’re here for the long run. See what happens when you pay your league fees. You probably won’t lose another game all year. Too bad more can’t be like you.
WEEK SEVEN
Rick Cubs (962) at Blackouts (1374) Dons Gators (1023) at Griff Stoners (897) David the Patriots (1171) at Jimmy Alcoholics (1647) Eric’s Dolphins (1681) at Richy Rich (739) Molly Pop (1707) at Robio Hurricanes (1166) Brian Seminoles (902) at Jets, Jets, Jets (1864)
TUESDAY’S THOUGHTS
RICK: Digging yourself a nice little hole after failing to break 1,000 for the third time this season. After playing Griff this upcoming week, your last six games are against teams with a winning record, including two division leaders. Good luck with that.
JUSTIN: Would anyone believe me if I said that one of the best teams in the league, the league leader in points, tied for first-place in his division, tied for the top spot in the power rankings is from the football powerhouse of Rutgers?
MASTERSON: Would anyone believe me that one of the best teams in the league, league leader in breakdown percentage, tied for first-place in his division, tied for the top spot in the power rankings is from the football powerhouse of Rutgers?
BRIAN: Just so you know, the worst season of all-time is held by Tim at 2-12 in ’00. You’re halfway there, baby.
DON: Formula to winning in fantasy football: A) Hope that none of your players break 200 points. B) Make sure your highest scoring player gets only 180 points. C) Have your best player and first round pick injured three weeks earlier, so you can pick up a QB who can’t even beat Detroit. D) Play Griff.
GRIFF: Mayday, mayday…I’m going down. I’m hit and I’m going down. My best running back is Jerome Bettis’ backup. I’m screwed! I need to play Robio so I can have a career day.
MOLLY: 700-points from your running backs. That’s how you win games. But don’t look now, but that’s Jimmy right behind you, so keep it up. By the way, how does it feel to be the true fantasy football stud in your house.
ROBIO: Opponents are averaging 1,566 points a game. So if anybody’s team is struggling come play me, we’ll fix you right up. However, my next five opponents are averaging less-points a game then me, so I should (and have too) win at least four of them.
DAVID: This is very simple…if Bledsoe and the Buccaneers D don’t score 400 each, Dave loses.
JIMMY: Hey, can you smell that? Sniff, sniff. Do you small that? That’s the smell of a championship caliber team on the rise.
ERIC: Okay, you’re scoring over 1,500 points on a consistent pace. You’re one game back of first-place in your division. You’re one win away from equaling you career high. But please, please, just once, win two games in a row…please.
RICH: I’m not one to ever knock a team that started 4-1, but I still don’t see the greatness in this team. Of course every time I say that, he scores 1,600 points and wins.
WEEK EIGHT
Rick Cubs (1612) at Griff Stoners (1528) Dons Gators (1192) at Jimmy Alcoholics (1113) David the Patriots (1606) at Richy Rich (893) Eric’s Dolphins (1270) at Jets, Jets, Jets (1288) Molly Pop (1581) at Blackouts (1131) Brian Seminoles (1223) at Robio Hurricanes (1671)
TUESDAY’S THOUGHTS
MOLLY: To be the best you have to beat the best. I guess this means you are the best. Did you know that our one female owner from last season was the league leader at 6-2 after eight weeks too?
JUSTIN: The first five weeks of the season you were averaging 1,440ppg. The last three you’re average is down to 1,269. Look on the bright side, that’s still pretty good and you’re still the only person to score over 1,000 points in every game this year.
MASTERSON: Hey Rob, do you like to keep it close or what? Week one – 278 (W), Week two – 211 (L), Week three – 77 (L), Week four – 149 (W), Week five – 127 (L), Week six – 104 (W), Week Seven – 962 (W against Brian, doesn’t count), Week eight – 18 (W). You need to get a computer at home so you can sweat it out.
ERIC: Eight straight games without any kind of streak. It’s going to be tough to push this streak to nine…you got Molly up next. Do you want a better number? When your opponent scores less than 1,000 points, you’re 4-0. When your opponent scored over 1,000 points, you’re 0-4.
BRIAN: Brian, Tim. Tim, Brian. Brian, Tim. Tim, Brian. Forget the playoffs, you better find a way to win two games or you’ll be linked to that name forever. (For those of you who don’t know Tim. He was the worst fantasy owner of all-time. After a 3-11 rookie season, he followed that up with an outstanding 2-12 season). Guess the two current owners who have to live their life knowing they lost to Tim? Griff and Brian.
ROBIO: See what happens when my opponent doesn’t score over 1,600 points. Brian’s 1,263 was the lowest point total any of my opponents have scored this season.
RICK: Despite the rough start, Ricky has won three of four and is sitting one game out of the playoff spot. Plus, he now owns the tie-breaker over the three other teams currently sitting out of the playoffs (Griff, Rob, Brian).
GRIFF: First loss to Ricky ever. You could have finished 1-13 this season. You could have finished with the lowest point total. You could have the worst team of all time. But I know you wouldn’t have cared a bit, as long as you beat Rick. Look on the bright side; at 3-5 you’re only two games back of the Florida State Seminoles. Bad news is you don’t play Wake Forest next week.
JIMMY: I won’t mention the fact that if you had your old tight end, you might have won this week. But it has to hurt just a bit to lose to a team that just picked up your QB that you just dropped and that quarterback has a career day. Ouch.
DON: I wonder if this is the worst 6-2 team ever? Well, I checked it out and the answer is, no. Five teams have started the season at 6-2 or better. Your 1,223ppg is not the best, but it’s not the worst. For that, you have to look back at the old Justin who at 7-1 was averaging 1,119ppg. However, his luck soon ran out. He dropped his next five games and 16 of his last 21 before being retired from the league.
DAVID: Strangest team in the league this season. 1,600 points one week, 1,100 the next. The next two weeks will determine how good you really are. You’re facing the top two point leaders in the league (Molly & Jets).
RICH: After 3-1 start, you’ve dropped three of four games. What worries me is in those three loses your point total is 660, 739, 893. Not only are you failing to score 1,000ppg, you’re not even scoring 900ppg.
WEEK NINE
Blackouts (914) at Brian Seminoles (832) Robio Hurricanes (1264) at Griff Stoners (1208) Molly Pop (1242) at Eric’s Dolphins (1047) Jets, Jets, Jets (1012) at David the Patriots (876) Richy Rich (1517) at Dons Gators (749) Jimmy Alcoholics (1267) at Rick Cubs (1516)
TUESDAY’S THOUGHTS
MOLLY: No argument. No dispute. Nothing more to say. Not only the best team in your house…by a mile, you are now officially the best team in the league.
ERIC: You finally ended that weird “non-streak” streak. Unfortunately, your first streak of the season is a losing streak. Two big games coming up though against two 4-5 teams (Rick/Robio). You already lost the tiebreaker against (4-5) Jimmy, so you can’t afford to loss the next two either if you want to have your first taste of the playoffs.
MASTERSON: Big game next week against Don. Division leader vs. Division leader. The battle for the second seed in the playoffs. Guess what, you’re now the only team to score over 1,000 points in each game this season. Only one team (Rick ’00) has done it every game in the regular season.
DAVID: It’s never going to be pretty when your two starting running backs are named Shipp and Centers. You better hope James has a quick recovery or this season, much like your life, is headed down the toilet.
ROBIO: You’ll never guess who’s back in the playoff picture…again. That’s right, me. Did any of you really think I wasn’t going to make the playoffs? There’s death, taxes, and me in the playoffs each and every year. Get use to it.
GRIFF: Oh Griff, oh Griff, can things get any worse? Six straight loses tie you for third all-time with John ’00, Tim ’00, and Rick ’01-02. It doesn’t get any easier the next three weeks either. All three of your opponents have winning records. Can you say new record? Tim would be so proud of you.
RICH: One more win and you’re almost guaranteed a spot in the playoffs. Shouldn’t be a problem because I think this team is just starting to hit its stride. You got back-to-back games against losing teams before heading back into the toughest division in the league. Another good note; you’re 2-0 against the Blackouts and Jets, giving you a good chance of stealing the division title. We’ll see.
DON: This one you probably should have won, considering your next two opponents are division leaders with a combined record of 13-5. Say it with me now and say it proud…ugh. However, with your 3-0 divisional start to the season, it will take a total collapse for you not to win your division and a top-three seed.
RICK: Guess who’s back in the playoff picture also? Can you name the only owners who have appeared in the playoffs each year of the leagues existence? Rick, Robio, Dave, and Brian. (Jimmy has never missed the playoffs either, but has only been in the league three years).
BRIAN: I think we can safely say Brian will be taken off that above list after this season. Eric, David, Jimmy, Molly, and Griff are Brian’s next five opponents. Should I go ahead and give you guys a ‘W’ now or what? Actually, I’m really looking forward to the possible match up between (1-12) Brian vs. (3-10) Griff in the last week of the season. Hey a guy can dream, can’t he?
JIMMY: You lose three in a row in the beginning of the season. Then you decide to follow that up with a three-game winning streak. You play me next week, so I would appreciate if you keep that three thing going, since you’ve now lost two in a row.
JUSTIN: Yeah, you won, but you had your first game under 1,000 this season. Is this team starting to lose its luster? You got back-to-back games against losing teams sitting out of the playoffs before heading back into divisional play, plenty of time to work out the kinks.
STATS, STATS AND MORE STATS
The good thing about records is they’re made to be broken. Last year, quite a few fell. Which of the records below will most likely be broken?
Robio ’99, Rick ’00, & Jason ’01 each won 11 games in one season. Molly is currently 7-2. The next two weeks she plays against winning teams (David/Don), but she ends the year against her three division foes, all sitting below .500. Can she pull off a 5-0 run to finish with a record 12-2 season?
Last season, Griff’s opponents scored a record 18,997, 1,357ppg. This season, Robio’s opponents have scored 13,395 through nine weeks, an average of 1,488. With Robio’s final three opponents sitting over .500, can he break Griff’s record.
Tim owns just about every futile record in league history, but Griff is starting to challenge him. With his 6th straight loss of the season, Griff moves within two of the record. His next three opponents all have winning records, sitting at a combine 17-10. Can Griff reach nine-straight defeats?
Tim also owns another one of my favorite records, worst season of all-time. After an impressive 2-6 start to the 2000 season, Tim dropped his final six games to finish the season at 2-12. This season, Brian sits at a proud 1-8, the worst start in league history. He has a good shot at tying the record, but can Brian drop his final five to beat the record?
In 2000, Rick was upset in the second round of the playoffs, but still finished with an impressive 12-4 record, completing the best one-season turn around, 4 games better then the 8-8 mark the year before. This year Don has the best chance to break that record. He’s rebounded from his 5-9 rookie season with a 6-3 start to this season. To break the record, Don must four of five and finish at 10-4 to break the record.
In 2001, Rick followed up his 12-4 campaign with a not so impressive 6-9 season; a five and a half game drop. If Brian can manage to loss the rest of his games, he’ll own the record at six and a half games.
In 2000, Rick became the only person to score over 1,000ppg in every game in the regular season. Despite the fact he continued that streak into the playoffs, he lost in the 2nd round, thus he is tied with Rob ’99 & Jason ’01 at sixteen 1,000-point games in one season (regular & post). If rob masterson (Jets, Jets, Jets) can keep scoring over 1,000 points in each and every game and manage to eventually win the championship, then he can own the record at 17.
WEEK TEN
Rick Cubs (1147) at Richy Rich (934) Dons Gators (979) at Jets, Jets, Jets (1549) David the Patriots (833) at Molly Pop (1751) Eric’s Dolphins (1065) at Brian Seminoles (1157) Griff Stoners (1407) at Blackouts (1202) Jimmy Alcoholics (950) at Robio Hurricanes (1617)
TUESDAY’S THOUGHTS
MOLLY: Despite all the success you’ve had this season, the one thing you failed to accomplish was a high score for the week. You can go ahead and cross that off your list now. Don’t relax just yet though, The Jets, Jets, Jets are only a game behind you for the top seed and he owns the tiebreaker if you finish with the same record. If you win this coming week, you clinch a playoff birth and the division title. (The quickest in league history). If both Griff and Jimmy loss next week, you clinch a playoff birth and division title.
DAVID: Another proud moment in Dave’s history. Despite the good pickup of Mumba, Dave suffered the tenth largest ass kicking in league history (918). Look on the bright side, although you are tied with five other’s a 5-5, you own the fourth seed due to the fact you own the tiebreaker against the other four (Rick, Robio, Blackouts, Rich). However, you failed to break 900 points in a game the past two weeks, so good luck with that.
RICK: Nice job Ricky. Let’s not forget this team started 0-4 this season. Now you’ve pulled off five wins in your last six games. However, three of those games are against teams currently sitting out of the playoffs. You’re next three opponents are the current #2 seed, #3 seed, and #4 seed in the playoffs. Beat the high flying Jets this week and I’ll take shotgun on this bandwagon.
RICH: Life is like a fantasy football team, you never know what you’re going to get. Brady & Barber blew up, Eagles Defense and Bradford took a week off. In your division, it only took you three weeks to go from first to worst. However, you’re hanging in there at the 8th seed in the playoffs. You got three huge games the next three weeks against opponents all fighting for their playoff lives. If you defeat Griff this week and Eric and Jimmy can both lose, then you’ll open up a two-game lead over them with three games remaining.
DON: Hanging in there as a division leader, barely. After your 3-0 start, you’ve dropped four of six, and you’re facing the big dog this week; big bad Molly Pop. Luckily you’re undefeated against you’re divisional foes, but you better stay that way. At this time, all three of your divisional foes lead you in total points. In fact, the only person you have beaten in total points this season is Brian.
MASTERSON: That’s five in a row baby, giving you a nice two-game cushion in the leagues toughest division. What’s most impressive is the fact that two of those wins were against the leagues other two division leaders. My favorite statistic of the week: You’re next four opponents are all 5-5, sitting in the playoffs between the #5 seed and the #8 seed. Just so you know, if you win next week and Jimmy loses to the Blackouts, you clinch a playoff birth.
BRIAN: You’re hanging in there. Despite the 2-8 record, you’re still in the playoff hunt…barely. To make the playoffs though, you’ll have to win your last four games. Of Robio, Rich, Rick, and Blackouts; one of them has to finish 0-4, or Dave has to finish 1-3. Eric has to lose at least two of his last four, or both Griff and Jimmy have to finish 1-3. Got it? However, if Dave beats you next week, you’re out of here. Good luck.
ERIC: What does it mean when Brian goes 0-8 against everyone, but 2-0 against the father/son combo of Don and Eric? It’s one thing to lose to the Jets and Molly, the two best teams in the league. But to lose to Brian, come on? In danger of becoming the only current owner to never taste the playoffs. It doesn’t help that Faulk is limping around.
GRIFF: Might have saved your season with a big win over the Blackouts. Still sitting one game out of the playoffs, but three of your next four games are against opponents you can beat. The two most important will be against Rich this week and Jimmy in three weeks. Both teams are sitting one game above you for the playoff spot. Big question though, how much longer will Zereoue be starting in the Steel City?
JUSTIN: Boy, talk about losing your luster. This team may be good, maybe only decent when you consider the fact that it has only had one single two-game winning streak all season, hasn’t broken the 1,500 barrier since week three, and went from the league leader in points to fourth in the league. Next week’s game is your last against a team with a losing record. More importantly, if you lose, you’re suddenly sitting out of the playoffs.
JIMMY: It has to suck knowing you had 667 points sitting on the bench this week with your backup QB. However if it makes you feel better, it wouldn’t have made a difference. Look on the bright side, you lost three in the row earlier this season, then you won three in a row. You followed that up with another three game losing streak, so it’s only natural that you’ll win your next three, right?
ROBIO: You know I think I’m a lot like the real Hurricanes out there. I only play good when my backs against the wall. Four straight losses to start the 2001 season, no problem I’ll win nine of my last ten. Lose five of my first seven this season, no problem I’ll cruise with three straight wins. However, my three-year run of division titles is in jeopardy. I do have the tie-breaker against the Jets, and I will face him again in the last game of the season, but I still need a little help from one of you out there.
WEEK ELEVEN
Rick Cubs (2019) at Jets, Jets, Jets (1679) Dons Gators (1611) at Molly Pop (943) David the Patriots (1171) at Brian Seminoles (898) Eric’s Dolphins (1241) at Robio Hurricanes (1147) Griff Stoners (1615) at Richy Rich (970) Jimmy Alcoholics (1118) at Blackouts (1431)
TUESDAY’S THOUGHTS
STAT OF THE WEEK: Rob the Greek went a proud 0-6 in his predictions. That’s right, baby. Zero, nada, shutout!!!
RICK: Good job break 2,000 points. Only the eight time in league history, and second time for you. I did say these two teams would have the top two scores. I just put the wrong guy on top. He may not be a division leader, but everyone better keep their eye on this team. He’s won 6 of 7, scoring over 1,400 points in five of those games.
MASTERSON: It’s about time one of your opponents scored some points. That was only the second time an opponent scored over 1,500 points, a loss both times. Despite the loss you now lead the league in points and you still have the tiebreaker over the two other division leaders.
GRIFF: You trade for the most underachieving player of the year in Alexander, but you give up a worthless tight end and QB who will be lucky to play again this season, so you come out the winner. Nice two-game winning streak; nice turnaround. However, you’re still sitting outside the playoffs because you and Rich both loss out on tiebreakers to Eric and Robio.
RICH: You think Griff has it bad, you have it worse. Not only do you loss the tiebreaker to Robio and Eric, you loss out to the other 5-6 team, Griff. That 3-1 start sure does seem like a long, long time ago.
JUSTIN: You got the win, but you really didn’t. It’s going to be really, really hard to replace McNabb’s 339ppg. That’s not good news when you consider McNabb has averaged 319ppg the last four games and the rest of the team has average only 811ppg over the last four games.
JIMMY: Oh-oh. Somebody’s season is starting to go bye-bye. You’re going to need a lot of help to reach the playoffs. If Robio and Griff both win two games, and Rick, Dave, and Jets win one, you’re in big trouble. It’s not all bad news, you got a bye-week next week…you play Brian.
BRIAN: Go ahead Brian and sing along with me…nah, nah, nah, nah…nah, nah, nah, nah…hey, hey, hey, goodbye…nah, nah, nah, nah…nah, nah, nah, nah…hey, hey, hey, goodbye. At least get that third win so you don’t tie Tim’s record of 2-12.
DAVID: Hey, you broke 1,000. Good Job. Good week to play Brian, huh? Great news though, not only do you have the tiebreaker against the two other 6-5 teams (Rick & Blackouts), you have the tiebreaker against the 5-6 teams (Robio, Rich, Griff), except for Eric, who you will play again next week. Keep in mind though you play Rick again in week thirteen.
DON: Nice win, pop. It took six weeks for you to break 1,500 points and when you do, you do it against the leagues top team. Next weeks game against Rick though is bigger, considering it might decide the division. We’ll see.
MOLLY: First time all season, in your career in fact, your opponent scored over 1,400 points. But let’s see, you lost one, then won four, lost again and then won four more. You lost this week; does this mean your going to win your next four? Shouldn’t be too tough when you consider your next three opponents are divisional foes who are all currently sitting out of the playoff picture. If you beat Griff next week, you win your division.
ERIC: You win despite being short one player. You might want to thank the defense when you consider you got 153 points this week from them. It’s average at best, until you realize you have gotten 192 points COMBINED from your defensive spot the first ten weeks.
ROBIO: Speaking of defense…what happens when you over think things too much? Consider this; I’ve had outstanding success picking up different defenses week-by-week. This week I picked up the Colts Defense earlier for this week. As the week went on, I slowly but surely talked myself into switching the Colts out for the Steelers. Results: Steelers –33, Colts 412. Robio loses.
WEEK TWELVE
Dons Gators (1432) at Rick Cubs (1541) Eric’s Dolphins (835) at David the Patriots (1339) Griff Stoners (1572) at Molly Pop (880) Jimmy Alcoholics (1082) at Brian Seminoles (1722) Richy Rich (1113) at Robio Hurricanes (1767) Jets, Jets, Jets (1032) at Blackouts (2133)
TUESDAY’S THOUGHTS
JUSTIN: Welcome to the stat sheet. The Falcons 838-points breaks the record previously held by Jimmy Smith (Brian) in ’00 by 118 points. Your 2,133 is the eighth 2,000-point game in league history and the fourth highest all-time. Last but not least, your 1,101-point victory is the fourth biggest ass kicking in league history. Win your final two games and you win your division. Win one more game (Or a Rich lose) and you’re in the playoffs. To miss the playoffs, you would have to finish 0-2, the Jets and Griff would have to win one of his final two games, Eric would have to loss at least one game, and most importantly Rich would have to finish 2-0.
MASTERSON: Not the game of the week for you. No longer the league leader in points, and no longer in first place in the division since your now 1-3 in divisional play. To win the division, you’re going to need a little help, most importantly win one more game than the Blackouts. Win one more game (Or a Rich lose) and you’re in the playoffs. To miss the playoffs, you must finish 0-2. Griff and Rich would have to finish 2-0, David and Don must win at least one game, and Eric would have to loss at least one game so he’s not part of the tiebreaker. If Eric also goes 2-0, all hell breaks loose.
ROBIO: Despite the fact I’m third in the league in scoring, have the second best breakdown percentage, and had the second best score or higher six times this season, I haven’t been above .500 since week three and I’m not a lock for the playoffs. However, If I win out, not only will I make the playoffs, I’ll win the division for the fourth time in four years. The bad news is my two final opponents are a combined 14-10 and are the leagues top two scoring teams.
DAVID: Good time to get hot. Win one of your final two games and you’re in the playoffs. If Eric loses next week, you’re automatically in the playoffs. Win your final two games and you win your first division title. To miss the playoffs, you would have to go 0-2. You would need Griff, Eric, and Robio to finish 2-0 and the Jets to win one.
ERIC: Bad news Eric, you do not have a lot of friends this week. The playoffs would be set, if you and Rich are both kind enough to loss this coming week. To make the playoffs all you have to do is finish at least tied with Robio, Rick or Griff. However, if Jimmy somehow is involved in that tie, then the tiebreaker would be total points and then you’ll be in trouble. Basically, if you finish 2-0, you need either Griff or Robio to finish 1-1, or Rick finish 0-2. If you finish 1-1, you need either Robio or Griff to finish 0-2 and Rich to loss at least one. Finish 0-2, you’re out of luck. Helpful advice: Try playing two running backs this week if it’s possible.
RICH: You’re also nobody’s friend this week, because a lot of people would be happy if you loss this coming week. To make the playoffs you need a lot to happen. You need to win your final two games and hope that either Robio or Griff loss their final two games. If you loss one of your final two games, then you need Jimmy to win his final two games, Eric must finish 1-1 in his final two games, and you’ll need either Robio or Griff, or both to finish 0-2. Then you would have a five-way tie and total points would be the tiebreaker. However, you trail Robio by roughly 2,500, Griff 1,800. Good luck.
BRIAN: Nice game. Nice win. You won’t tie Tim with the worst record of all-time. You’re still out of the playoffs.
JIMMY: You’re going to need a miracle. This is how a miracle happens, finish 2-0 and hope that Griff goes 0-2. Then pass up Griff in total points. Currently, your around 1,500 points behind Griff. You also need to make sure Eric or Rich don’t finish 2-0. If Eric and Rich finish 1-1 and Griff finishes 0-2, then you’ll need to maintain his point lead over Eric and Rich, and still pass up Griff. If Griff wins one of his final two games, you’ll need Rich not to go 2-0, you’ll need Eric to win at least one game, but not two, and you’ll need Robio to finish 0-2. Then you’ll need to pass up Robio in total points, who you’re currently trailing by over 2,000 points.
MOLLY: No matter what happens, Griff rules your world. Sorry. However, the good news is you have clinched a playoff spot. Also, if you win one of your final two games, you win your division. Currently, you own the tiebreaker for the top seed against the three teams tied for the Senior Citizen division (Don, Rick, Dave), but you loss out to both of the New Yorker division (Blackouts, Jets). If you win your final two games, you get the top seed. If you win next week and both the Blackouts and the Jets loss, you win the top seed.
GRIFF: You’re the king of the house at least. If you win your final two games and Molly loses her final two games then you win the division. If you only finish 1-1, then you need to make sure Eric doesn’t finish 2-0 and if he does, then you need Robio to finish 0-2 or you’ll miss the playoffs. If Griff drops his final two games and Eric wins one, Griff needs Jimmy to beat Molly in the final week of the season, then maintain his total point lead over Eric and Jimmy.
DON: Is everyone confused yet? I am. Okay Don, win your final two games and you win the division. If you finish 1-1, then you need to make sure both Rick and David do too. If you win one more game though, you are in the playoffs. To miss the playoffs…I’m not even going to explain it to you. I’m too tired.
RICK: To win the division you need to win one more game than Don. To make the playoffs, win one of your final two games. To miss the playoffs, read Don’s “To Miss the playoffs” above.
WEEK THIRTEEN
Rick Cubs (952) at David the Patriots (420) Dons Gators (991) at Eric’s Dolphins (1037) Molly Pop (1722) at Brian Seminoles (1213) Griff Stoners (1450) at Jimmy Alcoholics (1325) Robio Hurricanes (2153) at Blackouts (1492) Richy Rich (1456) at Jets, Jets, Jets (1420)
TUESDAY’S THOUGHTS
BRIAN: Faulk or Holmes. Holmes or Faulk. Congratulations, you can go ahead and start thinking about it now. You just wrapped up the top pick in the draft. Please try to pay the $30 league fee before the season ends. You and Jimmy are the only two who haven’t paid.
JIMMY: Faulk or Holmes. Holmes or Faulk. Congratulations, whomever Brian passes up on, you get if you like. Please try to pay the $30 league fee before the season ends. You and Brian are the only two who haven’t paid.
ERIC: Still breathing, barely. You’re on life support but you still got a shot. There’s nothing else I can really say.
RICH: How lucky can a white boy get. You still need a lot of help to get in, but you’re still fighting. There’s nothing more to say about this.
ROBIO: I hope you all didn’t forget about me. I hope you all didn’t miss me. I know it’s been ten weeks since I’ve been above .500, but don’t look now, I’m just about back on top. Lead the league in scoring (Again), top’s in the breakdown percentage (Again), leader of the power rankings…oh yeah, third highest single games score of all-time. Guess who has the top two as well? That’s right, me. Now all I got to do is win next week and wrap up my fourth division championship in four years.
JUSTIN: You can’t be too sad. You would have beaten a lot of teams this past week, and it would take nothing less than a miracle (And I mean Jesus rising from the grave miracle) to miss the playoffs.
MOLLY: Hip-hop hooray!! Guess who’s the first woman champion in league history? Molly! Now I know Griff beat you twice. I know he’ll run his mouth about that all day and night. I’m sure he’ll tell your daughter about this many years from now. I’m sure it makes him feel good inside. Just remember, you’re the one that’s $50 richer, not Griff.
GRIFF: That’s four in a row and counting. I don’t think anyone’s going to accuse you of backing into the playoffs. Avoid the upset next week against Brian and you’re in.
RICK: Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good to keep good streaks going, just ask the Hurricanes, or any Seminole kicker over the past fifteen years. Good week to play David, huh? Just one question for you, how does it feel to be the winner of the second lowest scoring game of all-time? 1,039 combined points. Beat Eric next week and you will become only the second owner to win two division titles.
DAVID: Dave, Dave, Dave…who the hell told you to put Plummer in for Bledsoe? Let’s do the math. Bledsoe 484, Plummer –101. That’s a 585-point difference. You lost by 532 points; that my son equals a loss. Don’t feel bad though, you’re not the first dumb ass and you won’t be the last jackass to pull out your best player for a scrub. Actually, you probably are the first and my God I hope you do it again if you play me in the playoffs. Also, not to rub it in, your 420 points is the second lowest single game total in league history.
MASTERSON: 74 damn points. All you needed was 74 stupid points. A lot of people who have been in the playoffs, you would have been in the playoffs. Now you’re sitting third in the division thanks to a 1-4 divisional record. Win next week and you’ll be in the playoffs, and I promise you all your pain will go away.
DON: You feel asleep and missed a great finish. The Jets were driving; Pennington just completed a 27-yard pass putting you in the lead, knocking Eric out of the playoffs and making a lot of people happy. Pennington could have thrown four straight balls into the dirt and you still would have won. But what’s he do? He takes a sack followed by an interception…no!
PLAYOFFS HOPES DREAMS I will send out a detailed sheet laying out all your playoff possibilities in a couple days. For now though, I’ll give you this.
IN: Molly and Rick
Win and you’re in: Dave, Don, Griff, Robio, Blackouts, and Jets, Jets, Jets
Need help: Eric and Rich
Out of here: Jimmy and Brian
Dear Eric and Rich, there are a lot of complex mathematical ways one or both of you could make the playoffs, which you’ll see in a couple of days. But here is the easiest road for both of you.
ERIC: You beat Rick, Blackouts beat Rich, Don beats David, and Jets beat Robio, you’re in. If either Robio, Rich, or David win then the final playoff spot will come down to total points between you, Rich (if he wins), and the loser of the David/Don game. Currently you trail Rich by 163, David by 481, and Don by 435. Simple, right?
RICH: You beat the Blackouts, Robio beats the Jets, David beats Don, Griff beats Brian, and Rick beats Eric. If this happens you’ll be tied at 7-7 with Blackouts, Jets, and Don. You would be 5-0 against those three, thus you win the tiebreaker. You need Eric to loss and Griff to win to avoid being 7-7. If either do finish 7-7 or Dave loses to Don then the tiebreaker goes to total points and then it would come down to you, Eric (if he wins), and the loser of the Don/David game. Currently, you trail Don by 272 and David by 318, but you lead Eric by 163. Easy, right?
WEEK FOURTEEN
Eric’s Dolphins (1336) at Rick Cubs (1314) David the Patriots (1149) at Dons Gators (1181) Jimmy Alcoholics (1025) at Molly Pop (1201) Brian Seminoles (636) at Griff Stoners (1310) Jets, Jets, Jets (1051) at Robio Hurricanes (1541) Blackouts (1990) at Richy Rich (1069)
TUESDAY’S THOUGHTS
#1 Seed: Molly – ($50) Won the Stoner Division outright and finished with the leagues best record.
#2 Seed: Don – ($50) Won the Senior Citizen Division. Don and Rick both finish 8-6 and split the season series, however, Don was 4-2 in the division, opposed to Rick’s 2-4. Don gets the 2nd seed over Robio thanks to his week five victory over him.
#3 Seed: Robio – ($50) Won the New Yorker Division. Robio and Blackouts both finished 8-6 and split the season series, but Robio was 5-1 in the division, as opposed to the Blackouts’ 3-3 record.
#4 Seed: Blackouts – Rick, Griff, and the Blackouts each finished 8-6. The Blackouts beat Rick but lost to Griff. Rick beat lost to the Blackouts but beat Griff, and Griff beat the Blackouts but lost to Rick. What’s it all mean? The tiebreaker is total points…winner Blackouts.
#5 Seed: Griff – Read above.
#6 Seed: Rick – Read above.
#7 Seed: Jets, Jets, Jets – Tied 7-7 with both Eric and David. The Jets defeated both of them this season (2-0).
#8 Seed: David – He and Eric both finished 7-7, split their season meetings, so the tiebreaker came down to points. Dave outscored Eric by 294 points.
NEXT YEARS DRAFT
QUARTER FINALS
Molly Pop (1424) at David the Patriots (982) Blackouts (1088) at Griff Stoners (1256) Robio Hurricanes (1815) at Rick Cubs (1393) Dons Gators (1254) at Jets, Jets, Jets (1431)
TUESDAY’S THOUGHTS
Reminder: Like I said in the beginning, I changed the playoff format this season making so the top team would always be matched against the lowest seed.
ROBIO: Thank You NY Giants, Thank You NY Giants, Thank You NY Giants, Thanks You NY Giants.
MASTERSON: The best 7th seed ever. If you win next week and I knock off Griff, it will be an all MTV, all New York, all Rob finals.
GRIFF: You beat the Blackouts who were missing its best player in McNabb. You’ll face Robio next week without his best player Priest Holmes. Maybe you can ‘luck’ your way to the championship.
MOLLY: Check it out, if you and Griff both win, we’ll have the first ever ‘lovers’ championship game. Molly Pop vs. Dough Boy.
RICK: You’re 4-2 against Robio in the regular season, 0-2 in the playoffs. We’ll see you next year.
DAVE: Losing in the first round, now that’s the Dave we all know.
DON: The highest seed to ever loss in the first round.
JUSTIN: The first person to lead the league in scoring and not lead the league in wins, not win his division, and not win a single playoff game. I’m sure there’s more, but I’ll just tell you at work.
NEXT YEAR’S DRAFT (SO FAR): #1 – Brian, #2 – Jimmy, #3 – Rich, #4 – Eric, #5 – Dave, #6 – Rick, #7 – Blackouts, #8 – Don
SEMI FINALS
Molly Pop (1646) at Jets, Jets, Jets (867) Robio Hurricanes (1598) at Griff Stoners (795)
CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
Molly Pop (1112) at Robio Hurricanes (1841)
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